I'm just a silly little girl with a really big heart.

I think the hardest thing about life is caring about other people, because it's tearing me up inside.

Recap-
My brother just got home from Iraq a week or so ago. I was just able to stop worrying. But now Matt who is just the most amazing person I've ever met, is being deployed on the 18th. It's like I was able to take a deep breath. Just one, and now my chest is constricting again. And it's getting really hard to breath. And like... I'd do a heck of a lot for this kid. And he came up for the weekend and it was really very nice but it's the last time I'll get to see him. For more than eight months. And that's a long time. And I've said that I would wait for him and he told me he'd never ask me to do that. So because I'm a glutton for punishment I asked if he would even consider having anything with me when he got back. And I got the answer I knew I'd get that-eight months is a long time. And things change in eight months. And it's still early.

And I knew I was going to hear that. But it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I've thought of this guy for more than two years just waiting for an opportunity to be with him. But of course my timing sucks. And of course it's just crazy of me to expect anything.

And I know this. But my chest is still crushing in on my lungs and my heart might explode. And there is no oxygen getting to my brain and I'm just so sad.

I miss hickory hill and making a best friend who after one night was there is sit with me as I cried.

And I'm really just a silly little girl with a really big heart.

And I'm pretty sure that heart is going to shatter.