sense of belonging

Those of you that have known me for a long time know what this picture is. It's me being "that camper," and making a sandcastle out of lakeweed. Someone pointed out that there is no lakeweed in this picture, don't worry, it came later. Now I usually joke about this picture and making that castle because I was such a dorky camper. But really I can tell you exactly what I was feeling that day.

This was taken my first year as an older girl, I had done ENL when it was still in maple glen. I was the youngest-older-girl there. I remember that on this day we had gone to the state park and I had decided before we left, that I wasn't going to bring my bathing suit because i didn't want to have fun. I knew I wasn't going to want to participate.

I remember it was insanely hot and I was sitting by myself in the burning sand and I built this castle. Wizzy being the ever caring counselor that she was came over and played with me.

I was so freakin lame.

And so today for whatever reason I was thinking about that picture and how I didn't feel like I belonged in that program, or at camp or anywhere. And you've got to understand I was maybe 12. Those are some heavy thoughts for a 12 year old. And then I started thinking about today. And I started thinking about what I was like now, almost eight years later. And I still don't feel like I belong. And I think that is really sad.

I thought about that on the way to school today. Just driving in my car thinking about whatever-people watching. And realizing how I don't really have any friends and I don't really fit in with any group of people. All I do is work. I escape into it because it's easy to say "oh the reason I don't go to parties is because I work too much." When really-I don't have to work as much as I do. I just choose to.
I don't know.


Now on the other hand... I know who I am, I know how I react and I know to stay away from certain situations and whatnot because I will react badly.
Like A few weeks ago at work I had this rediculas melt down because I was really stressed out from getting table after table. Ok. No big deal. I was "in charge" of the other staff, making sure they did their job. Again, no big deal. But then people who tell me that they are my friends start telling me I'm doing my job wrong-that they don't agree with what I do. And you know what? Probably on any other day I wouldn't have been such a melodramatic fuck but I broke down-Dan took me outside and I lost my shit. And see here's the thing: We all react to things differently. Where someone else might curse, break something or try to bring someone down. I just cry or get sick. It's how I deal with stress.

I know I'm emotional. I know I'm sensitive and i know that, with the exception of a few people, I can give it but i can't take it. And those people know who they are and everone else i kind of just avoid confrontation with. Maybe that's why people think i'm not fun....

But anyway. So that whole thing happened maybe three weeks ago now. And you know what? people, the key people from that night, are still talking about it! it's like.. just get over it!! I'm done with it. I had moved past it. I even tried making amends to the one person I flipped out on. I apologized for being overdramatic.

And I guess it's silly or just proving their point to get emotional over being called emotional. But It just makes me want to shut down.
You know.. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not too hard to tell if I'm having a good or bad day.
And to shut down means that I'm not going to be able to have the same relationships I had with these work people.
But I almost feel like it's the only way to survive. Because you know what.. like one of the people that was talking about it still-turns around and tells me I'm one of her favorite people at work. And that's cool and all-but that's not what I call a good friend.
Good friends don't sell you out. They have your back. No matter what. End of story. If you are my friend and you want to call me out on something. Tell me. Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Don't tell the biggest asshole in the restuarant. That's bull shit.

So I feel like shutting down.
When I cant get keep from getting down
And I grow tired of hangin round
I become invisible, unlivable
Just dysfunctional
Shut down

the end.

Graduating class of 2006

The graduating class of 2006. Finally done with highschool drama, crying in the girls room, running home to our parents to tattle on our class mates. Being a narc. (see that's funny because i've been accused of being a narc like seven times from highschool and still today. and it's funny because I never was. I used dope for five years and I didn't give a shit about anyone else, I didn't even care to be friends with anyone else that used. so yeah-obviously I was the narc. just wanted to get that out there.)
Well i thought that i was done with high school. but apparently no one else notices that. and i'm really getting tired of all the bullshit drama and i'm really thinking that i should reevaluate my "friends" because 1. i don't think i should be walking on eggshells around my friends. 2. im pretty sure friends aren't supposed to treat eachother the way that some of us do. And these are work friends and camp friends. but see the difference between work and camp friends is like work-it's a job, you're there for a few hours to make money and there are no rules so you have to be tough to get through.
but camp friends-these are the ones that i'm kind of disappointed in and i really dont care who that upsets. What i don't understand abotu camp friends is that we became friends because of camp. because we loved being in the woods singing songs being dirty and making a great environment for the girls to have a summer in.
But now it's gotten made into being a power-tripping environment where everyone thinks it's about them and people cant get past change and people that they don't like. and that's gross. it really is. like friday. people, myself included, went out of their way to make her feel unwelcome. and you know what? she did suck. but she had just as much right to be there as I did. i think somewhere along the line we all forgot why we work at camp, why we became friends in the first place. We all started doubting that our boss was right and started thinking that we could do it better than she could.
I'm done with it.
I'm going back to camp this year and I'm doing my job to the best of my ability. If i have to make new friends to do that i will. but I'm sick of this bullshit that's been flying around for the past eight ish months. camp used to be my favorite place and i'm not going to dread going back there because people want to act like five year olds.
So stop bringing me into your drama. As of now I've made up with everyone. I'm on good terms with everyone. and i'm not taking sides anymore i don't care who you are or how far back we go.

On a lighter note, I just got home from visiting Copper and Mac in North Carolina today. And it was really good to see them even if we didn't do much. we tried to get an ID but that fell through and since you two read this i just want you to know that that wasn't my reason for the visit i really just wanted to see two of my favorites.

anyway taco thursday has arrived. then the bar! love.