Just to live one day in those shoes..

I look to the people around me for inspiration. I look to them for guidance. And I look to the people around me for hope. There is one person in particular that I have always looked up to, who has so many qualities that I aspire to have. She is my neighbor and my cousin’s mother-in-law, and probably one of the most selfless people I have ever had the good fortune to know.

She was there for my family to help organize nearly everything when my uncle died a few years back; she is always around when I need a second opinion or some advice on life; and she seems to always be ready and willing when you need a favor. She is who I think of when I think of a good person or someone I wish to be like.

I want to have the reputation she does-I want to be the person that people call when they need a favor. I want to be the house that neighbors visit when they need a friendly ear. I want to be the person that can walk around and everyone is happy to see them. I just want to be the good person that she is. I don’t want to be famous or powerful or anything like that; I want to be the person that is just as important as the rich famous and powerful, to the few lives that they touch on a day-t0-day basis.

Breath

I'm happy to say that life is back to the way it is supposed to be and that I am breathing again.

Last week was really tough and I don't know if the fact that my brother is "on vacation" has really hit me yet; the goodbye was kind of abrupt: a hug and a kiss and then he was walking away. I guess I just figured he was coming back for a few more minutes or something. But he was just gone. The abruptness is really still kind of shocking but I understand having things to do and not wanting to stick around for a twenty minute sob fest.

But today I went back to work for a double shift and it was really actually nice just to be back in my stride at work of kissing peoples asses, bull shitting with my co-workers and just doing anything to keep myself busy and pass the time as quickly as possible.

Having breakfast and spending time with the boy after work helped to bring normalacy back a lot as well. I really missed that kid. Man. Whatever.

OK so I quit smoking and biting my nails about a month ago now. Now it's on to step two-losing some weight and getting into better shape. I wish it wasn't getting so cold out running in the cold is the worst. My reason for this is because I feel like if I keep doing nice things for myself ie: treating my body better I might start feeling better about myself.

Because I'm super tired of being forgotten, letting myself get put down, and hating myself. I want to be someone worth being, and worth being proud of.

That's all for now I'm too tired to write anymore.

Love.

4 hours..

In three hours my brother will getting changed into his cammies putting his boots on and doing one last mental check to make sure everything is in order.

In three and a half hours we will be in the car driving to Littl.e C.reak Nav.al Base to drop Kyle off on that base with his unit.

In four hours we will be saying goodbye, getting one last hug and kiss before we watch him grab his gear and walk away from us for probably eight months.

I think I'm starting to feel the sadness, it's creeping in and grabbing onto my heart.

It's been a stressful day for everyone, Kyle didn't sleep last night because he was stressing and anxious completely understandable. We ran some errands together and tried to keep the mood light singing songs, joking around, and finding random funny videos on you.tube. It's tough because we've known this was coming for months, this entire year has been leading up to this one day for us and now that it is here Kyle and I both agree that we just wish it was Friday. Friday means that he'll be in country and I'll be back to my normal life.

Friday means breathing again. And I cannot wait.

Three hours thirty eight minutes...

Update

For anyone that cares and doesn't know, I am down in Virginia with my mother and father visiting with Kyle before we have to say goodbye Wednesday at midnight for 6-8 months.

I feel as if my lungs are constricted and refusing to allow oxygen into my body. These past two nights have been sleepless and I have been on the verge of panic each time I lay down in my bed (which by the way I am terrified of sleeping in places that aren't camp. I don't even feel safe sleeping in my own bed at home) I can't swallow and my muscles are tense and making me jumpy at every little movement or sound. I'm falling rapidly towards a breakdown and I just can't slow anything down.

I want to slow down the time that we have to spend with Kyle so that everyone can relax and enjoy the moment instead of making this week uncomfortable-like my father has. He is constantly on edge and letting everyone know how miserable he is and his attitude is not making this trip a memory he's making it a chore. He is making my brother uncomfortable and me wish desperately for Friday when we will have said goodbye and be back in Jersey. I think it is so unfortunate that that is where my mind is at; unfortunate that I am not thinking that every day is a gift that I just want to be back to my normal life of working, reading, and Dan.

I want to be angry with my parents for the shit that they put each other, themselves and me through in the past couple of weeks. I want to be angry at my father for not realizing that it is not all about him that his son might be leaving for 6-8 months but my best friend is leaving for that long too. I want to shout, "how dare you take this away from me?! How dare you act so pathetic?!"

How dare he?

How dare I be this angry during such a time. Every single day is a gift and I'm taking them for granted and I'm miserable and I'm crying and I'm panicking and maybe I think I might be making this all about me. I so badly want to return my life to the normalcy of Jersey where day after day is the same thing where I'm not stuck in a hotel room counting down the hours until I can escape from my parents and the impending breakdown.

I want to be able to breath again.