I have so much to write about it feels like my soul is just going to explode if I don't get it out.

But I have no time at all. But when I do it's all going to be about:
Life
Death
Apartments
Changes
Residency
Stress
Family
and how fucked my life is.

love.

Be serenity

I love days like today where I find the inner peace that generally evades me daily. I love the happy thoughts about where my life is, and the excitement to see someone I finally had a little tiny chance to miss. I've really just had a great weekend, I think my parents and I have begun to settle into a more relaxed relationship of grown up mother/father/daughter instead of mother/father/child-who-needs-to-be-taken-care-of-constantly. It's a nice feeling just to have them off my back really.

It's back to reality though now that school has started up again, I need to start seriously looking into finding an apartment, save money for the security, brokers fee (which I really feel the person WITH the apartment should have to pay) and first months rent (which at 1400 for each-split two ways comes to a whopping 2100!) figure out money for next semester, (around 5-6000) figure out Dan's birthday present and if it's going to be big or not ($?) make sure I have money for disney (between 600-1000) and it's just all adding up. I feel really guilty that I just bought an I.pod shu.ffle, I think I'm going to return it (good thing I brought the receipt/packaging back with me) I mean it wasn't too expensive considering but I need to be saving money for other things.

Despite the growing concern for having enough money.. I still feel peaceful and content. It's amazing. I know it's going to leave soon enough and slide back into depression but it's a nice feeling for now. I guess you take what you can get right?

Get it out..

Life has been a roller coaster for the past few weeks. months. years.. whatever. I feel as if everything has built up to some kind of maximum like it has reached to point where it is pushing against this barrier and the barrier is just a whisper away from snapping; I'm a whisper away from snapping.

• I need my brother to come home; his approximate return date is the middle of May. That's like what-six weeks? The anxiety is building as the date gets closer, every day I grow more terrified that something will happen to ... delay his return. I need him here, he is by far my best friend and I miss being able to call him at retarded hours, to tell him the stupid dramas of my life, to hear about his stupid training missions. I miss him and having someone that really understood my mind inside and out on speed dial.

• Talking to the old man (forgive me I don't want to taint this blog with the name anymore than I may have in the past) gave me some closure that I think I really needed but had pushed to the side thinking I was never going to be able to have it. I believe it was good. I believe that it reminded me that he didn't always suck that I did love a guy that had some compassion and that, while he fucked me up, he did care about me and he will until the day he dies. I did mean something.... Pause.

• I feel like I've regressed back into the miserable fuck I used to be; feelings of worthlessness and sadness are back full force, not that they ever really left. I know he'd tell me I'm stupid, but I feel like my own boyfriend just puts up with me because I moved here to be with him, because he feels obligated to make me happy. I feel distant from him, from reality? From my life, I feel like I'm watching it and tapping on the glass trying to get my own attention to tell myself to snap out of it. To fucking wake up and live. And then I think why the hell can't I just wake up and say "fuck it let's be happy," but whenever I do it's just fake. I feel like any progress I made over the past few months in the happiness department has just dissolved like a thin layer blown away by the stress and loneliness of the past few months.

Today I think I suck, and I hate that. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just let shit roll off of me and move on? I need to know the recipe...