Marbles

I feel like my life is scattered like a bag of marbles that has been unceremoniously dropped onto the kitchen table. Bits of me have scattered very fast flying off that table to land somewhere under the refrigerator or over just to be forgotten, one catching the attention of the cat and being smacked into the next room and down the stairs just to cause discomfort to some one's foot later, some flew-smacking into the wall before losing momentum and stuttering back to the table as if giving up and the rest are still on that table going too fast headed towards the tables edge and I'm not sure if I can stop them from falling yet. I just want everything bag and held tight together again, everything tied securely in the bag and then reinforced because I feel like I'm losing it. I need friends and some stability in my life and I don't have it and I feel like I'm slowly going insane.

Chapter 3

Things have changed a lot in the past few weeks I finally escaped from hell and now I'm living with the boyfriend. And let me tell you! Whew things are different on this side of the street or bed if you will. We work together, we live together and sometimes we spend time together but I feel like as much as we are around each other it's like there is no Megan and Dan time. At work we don't really talk because he's the big bad mean manager and I'm just a lowly server and by the time we get home we're just ready for bed. It's strange living with someone else that isn't family, or camp, or a roommate because things just got so, I don't know, serious? Minus a little argument over how I don't like the way he treats the servers while he's pretending to be a manager, I mean really-don't forget where you came from right-we've been pretty alright. And I think we'll be ok because I'll be gone the whole summer and then we probably (hopefully?) won't be working together when I get back, I think that space will be good.
And at the same time bad because between my school and work and his work when are we ever going to see each other?
I just don't know, this was a huge step and I'm happy because he is the one I want to build my life with.
I'm just terrified he's going to wake up next to me one morning and decide that's not what he wants from me. Not saying at all that I don't think he wants me just maybe not what I want and it kind of makes my stomach turn. I want some reassurance maybe.

Going Home

I'm moving out of this hell hole in about and hour and a half-and I think that's pretty great. This school has kept me so depressed since day one. Here's a little recap on how fucked up this place is:

1. Two underage, drunken (on a dry campus) white girls beat up on this Black guy for sitting on "thier" bench. He takes it.. and takes it.. and finally turns around and smacks one of them. He's kicked out of the dorm and put on probation. The girls punishment? For being drunk and starting fights you get a minor slap on the wrist. Because it was a black man that hit a white girl.
2. My professor tells me that she gave everyone in the class an A on a report that she gave me a C on, even though we had the same quality of work. Because she was trying to "help" them out. Maybe I should point out I'm one of three white kids in the class? And what did going to the Dean of Students get me? Nothing. Not even a response.
3. I'm entrenched in this overly racist society that is making me a bad person. I wasn't racist before I got here, I judge a lot now. I'm not happy about it.

A couple of good things have happened since moving here

1. I made a couple friends at my new work. Where, sure the managers are dicks, but they do their jobs right at least.
2. I experienced living in a dorm, which I knew from the beginning I'd hate (and I do) and had at least one crazy college kid night.
   
3. I found out what's really involved with being a big kid. Lots of bills, that's what.
   

But now I'm going home. I'll finish packing up my car in about an hour, hand over my room key and mailbox key (which I've checked maybe three times all semester.) And I'll head over to work to kill some time, maybe eat, before working the night shift. Then I'll hop in my car and drive to Jersey to stay there until Friday (remember I have nowhere to stay in about an hour) and then I'll come back bright and early Friday morning to move into my apartment with the greatest guy I've ever met. (Though he hates the idea of living with me so so much. I am crazy I guess.) And I'll have a home again.

A home that I never play rap music in. Because it sucks and I've heard enough of it to last me forever and then some. I'm very excited to move into a new home with my boy and my cat and have our little family all in one place. I'm excited to have a stove so I can cook food that has nothing to do with TGI.Frid.ays. I can clean my little apartment as much as I want. There will always be toilet paper and I won't be living with people who are so proud of what they leave in the toilet that they... leave it in the toilet.

I'm just relieved that this hell is finally over and that I never ever need to come back here for anything other than a transcript.

Thank God.