every day is a gift

2011-12-28T18:49:00.000-08:00

Generally I find it difficult to put thoughts into words. I irritate myself when I stutter and stumble over my tongue in a rush to make sense of the jumble in my head. The feelings and emotions are so strong and primal that nothing can come close to being a definition. I'm sure many can understand that feeling whether being put on the spot or in an argument and afterwards the perfect thing to say, the perfect turn of phrase is illuminated in the mind and you kick yourself for not being clever enough at the time to say it in the moment. Because the moment is gone and it's not coming back, but you hold onto that witty remark hoping to put it to use as something so clever and true should never die.

I've had 14 days now of nothing to do. School let out for the semester and I'm only working on the weekends. I'm losing my mind. I should go to the gym-but who actually wants to do that. I should work on the quilts for the babies-I'm a failure at sewing. I should spend quality time with the man-yeah maybe if he would finally get his shit together and stop being a deadbeat. I'd like to give myself a pat on the back for being as patient and understanding as I have been for the past month it's quite unlike me to tolerate the lackadaisical approach he's had towards daily life, our relationship, his future. I mean it's no skin off my back if he doesn't amount to anything. But I hate putting in that time into something so pathetic. Shit I'd rather be studying.

And considering I spent the last 4 months with my nose in a book for at least 4 hours a day (excluding Sundays, it is a day of rest after all) that's a pretty sorry state of affairs. But I will say, nursing school has been something else. While speaking with a friend the other night he told me how admirable it was that I was thinking about working in a trauma center when school is (finally) done. He confessed to not being able to stand the sight of blood other than his own and wouldn't have a clue how to react if he saw bone. I'll tell ya, you get used to it. Shrug it off. Compare it on the grossness scale to the last one you saw. Very importantly learn how to breath. I'd rather be studying because it was productive, an active contribution to society, hell I might just go ahead and change the world some day. A very intoxicating state of affairs when compared to someone bitching about how mommy and daddy owe them this or that.

I hate to be a downer but I'd rather feel eloquent here (who reads this anyway?) than stutter along in the real world waiting for that perfect moment to drop the one phrase I've practiced in front of the mirror 6 times with nothing to back it up without proper preparation. Hell at least I dropped an SAT word or two.

2011-02-27T18:05:00.000-08:00

Following this recent "breakup" I find myself wondering if I'm so sure I didn't want him, what do I want.
Become an RN and work for a traveling nurse company
Live in at least ten different states
Find my missing piece, feel excitement and challenge. Someone willing to do anything and everything, anticipates my wants and needs
Become this strong, courageous, beautiful women
Change a life
Save a life
I don't really believe any of these things are unrealistic. I want someone who is on my level .

He is great. We think a lot alike saying/thinking the same things all the time and really he is just sweet as pie. But something is missing or somehow he doesn't fit quite right. But he is comfortable and I know the stability he would offer.

So what's the trade off? Should I sit around through some inner misery guided turmoil figuring I'll eventually settle because I gave up on my goals? Because let's be serious, how many faithful guys are going to be cool with their girl going to different states every eight weeks? Or should I do what I did and cut the cord so no one gets hurt worse later on down the line? Aren't I just a scum bag even attempting a relationship before completing my dreams? Failure to complete them will only result in resentment down the road coupled with a sense of dissatisfaction concerning my accomplishments in life.

I'm just uncertain with what to do, it's a catch twenty-two if you will. My sense of honesty and my endless concern for how the feelings of everyone else are don't allow me to lead people on. But my determination to realize my goals prevents me from willingly entering a relationship with a hope of longevity.

Is it worth it?

Hate

2011-02-08T19:10:00.001-08:00

I'm so filled with hate and disappointment now. These are really hard emotions for me, especially hate. I'm the girl that apologized when I was cheated on, tried to make an abusive relationship work; I'm the girl that forgives everyone. I try to make all of my relationships work out and last, I try to make everyone involved happy but it seems that it's just not meant to be. I haven't spoken to my brother or he hasn't spoken to me, take your pick, since Christmas when I texted him. Things are just so terrible between us. Between my brother and myself, between someone who at one point I considered my best friend. His wife just hates me, for lack of understanding of the inner workings of her psychotic mind, so he finds it simpler to ignore the situation (or just ignore me) than deal with going against her I guess.

But they're building a fucking house together and she writes on his wall about moving past all the negativity in their life and build upon their family together, just the two of them.

And it just hurts so fucking much. It hurts. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about missing out on my brother's life. Just as how not a single day goes by that I don't daydream about bashing her face into the wall. What she has done to me, my family, my brother-everything she has done is just unforgivable. She will never be welcomed where I am, and I hope one day she understands the gravity of what she has done and I hope she falls down having collapsed under the weight of my broken family and my broken heart. I hope she knows that she made me hate her. I hope she understands one day that when I asked about reaching out to her it wasn't with malicious intent but it was with a desire to include her into my family. I hope she regrets what she has done.

And I hope that he can comprehend the severity of his indifference. Because now instead of just frustration, hurt feelings and incredibility at the whole situation, I'm carrying around hate. And it just weighs so heavily on me that I don't feel as if I can reach out to my brother out of fear of her intervention. I don't even feel as if I want to reach out to him anymore. He took a good thing, the love of his family and threw it away as unimportant and insignificant. I suppose I should have figured looking back at the trend of our relationship and how I was never anyone he spent time with unless he was single or heartbroken. What was I doing thinking that we could possibly continue any semblance of a relationship once he got married.

It just hurts so much and I don't want to be ugly but I can find no happiness to wish towards either of them, no forgiveness to offer and no desire to let him (or her, clearly) anywhere near my personal life again. Isn't that sad?

2010-03-22T20:14:00.001-07:00

I'm super women. I cannot be hurt. My heart has been shattered too many times to be effected by kind or hurtful words. But I want a chance. So give me a chance and open up. If it falls apart I'll take it like a champ. No worries. I am super women.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-03-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

You should all go watch this, I couldn't stop smiling.

2010-03-10T17:58:00.001-08:00

I'm happy.
I'm going to continue to be happy.
No one is going to take that away from me.

I won't let them.

Can we just talk about my night?

2010-01-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not saying that the sun shines out my ass or that I am the greatest waitress that ever lived but I generally try to make it a rule that I greet every table like an old friend that I've been dying to see and I keep that vibe up throughout their meal. But sometimes it just isn't enough.

The dinner shift started at six o'clock for me, a little busy because we were raising money for a group called the eleventh hour rescue. Good business for me good deed for a good cause. As dinner slows down the restaurant empties out minus the bar. My station tonight was above the bar and people get confused and think they are one in the same so I come out to my tables to see three guys there hanging out with full drinks that they've already paid for at the bar. It happens all the time but it always irks me. These tables are my section my business and my money, if you want drinks from the bar hang out at the bar. I head over to introduce myself and let the guys know that if they need anything I'll be hanging around and happy to help.

Then the "snapping" begins and man do I love that snapping. (Do I look like a dog?) "When you have a minute" they say. So I greet another table and head on over to them and they are just cracking up. "Take a whiff of this guys fart and can you bring us two more beers."

What? Take a whiff of his fart?

This stink was toxic. I mean eyes watering, taking a step back and trying not to cough. I nod and give a little smile and back off to get their drinks and hopefully let the stench dissipate a bit. I come back with their drinks and they are still laughing, the guy let another one go! I just couldn't believe it. And they are trying to get me to hang around so I can smell it. Fuck that.

I'm totally turned off by these guys now. I'm not a guy, I'm not your buddy and you guys are like forty plus. I was perfectly polite the rest of the night but believe me they were not people I waited all day to see. So the snapping continues for a few hours along with me just being polite until finally they want the bill. Thank god.

Ten minutes later the boys decide that they want bloody mary's. Hot. With Worcestershire (Sorry we don't have that) horseradish (sorry we don't have that either) Tabasco (sorry..) How do you not have tabasco?? (I'm sorry, haha, they don't consult me when they get rid of things like that *joking*)

Enter the 180 turn around.

"Don't give me that attitude! Fuck you, fuck this place, I'm from Indiana. Everyone here is so damn rude!"

What? Boss man we have a problem.

So my boss heads over to the table to try and talk to these guys down and they flip out on him. He told them they could leave whenever they were ready and that he would see them to the door personally.

That was an awesome tip.

So that was the start of a night that ended with a girl, who all I had said to was "Hi my name is Megan," telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday and saw him with a new girl today-that conversation went on for ten minutes. Finished by a 37ish year old man out of town on business looking for insight on why his wife dresses to impress while he is out of town.

Do I have psychologist written on my face? Is it a full moon?

Tonight was the most ridiculous night in a long time, I'm glad it's over.

2009-12-11T17:43:00.000-08:00

Last night around 230 a bunch of us from work hung out after closing and had a couple beers and talked about this and that. The topic came up about prom and when you're from Jersey prom means the jersey shor.e. I mentioned that after my own prom I didn't go down the shore because no one had invited me to join them. I told them how I, in fact, haven't been down the shore since elementary school when I went with my family because, again, no one has ever invited me. Since my friends are jersey born and raised this was of course met with gasps of disbelief and my buddy telling my that was it and that I was going down the shore with him this coming summer.

It makes me happy now that I have some good friends at work that actually want to spend time with me. At the same time however, it makes me sad for my childhood; the child that was left out , the child who for a long time only found friend in stories and cartoons. I just wonder how things would be different. Maybe I would be open to more relationships with people today instead of being such an awkward adult.

This is a picture from the last party I was invited to. It's somewhere around the third or forth grade. I found it on facebook today and it made me awfully sad.

2009-11-29T14:38:00.000-08:00

I don't get my hopes up anymore. Promises of things to do, days to come, happiness, fulfillment, love-whatever it is it's just a disappointment. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm tired of being so open and loving towards the people in my life because it always comes around to just kick me in the gut when I'm down, right after I've just given a little too much of myself to take back. So no more expectations unless low. No more giving of myself so freely. I'm running out of things to give and I am just so tired.

breath.

2009-11-23T22:54:00.001-08:00

I don't take compliments very well. I don't need to be told I'm a good person, friend, girlfriend, daughter etc. I think that deep down I know these things. Like I know that if my friends need me that I'll be there at three in the morning for them. I know that I respect the people in my life to the fullest I am able to. I know that I put everyone before myself.

I think I get so down on myself because I am so willing to do the right thing and be the best type of person I can be; the problem comes in when I just can't be there to do the right thing or I decide that for once I'm going to put myself and my needs before those of someone else. I always feel uncomfortable doing so, like I'm being selfish. And that mentality eats at me and I think that I'm just not doing right by the people in my life. I beat myself down so much that I start thinking I'm a shitty person.

This past month most of what I have done has been for me. In the process I have pushed people away because they have drama and they don't want to hear my solution and I just can't bring myself to listen to them bitching or even venting because they just don't want the help and advice I have to offer.

I've had a handful of low moments in the past weeks-missing my life, missing my ex, missing my friends; I've also had plenty of happy moments where I'm running or doing yoga, writing or reading where I just feel at peace because I'm doing something for myself. I've been putting myself first.

It's a struggle because it goes against my nature to put everyone else second but I think I've finally reached a healthy place.

I've always wanted to be like my Aunt Mare. She is such a strong women that has always been there for our family in times of crisis. When I was younger she was there to listen to my lame teenage woes. It's just how she is. But I am beginning to realize that Aunt Mare puts her needs, responsibilities and herself first. She always makes sure that her life is at the proper place to walk away from before she goes off and helps people.

That's not to say that in times of crisis she won't drop everything she is doing to help out but she seems to have found a balance where she is bettering herself and making her own life work while still enriching the lives of those around her.

I'm finding my balance. And even though situations and feelings like to get in the way I'm starting to be happy and satisfied with my life as it is. We all have setbacks. Plans that don't work out. People that just aren't supposed to be in our lives the way we want them to. I'm learning how to deal with all that and still keep smiling.

And just for today I am happy.

No matter where you go you take yourself with you.

2009-11-17T18:08:00.000-08:00

It's a hard concept, no matter where you go you take yourself with you. I feel like I've been running for the past couple years. Running from bad decisions, lost memories, terrible relationship after terrible relationship, my thoughts, my actions-whatever else. I've been running; each time I stopped for a breath a new place I felt energized and ready to start something new. Each time life and my relationships started solid and people thought I was great and people wanted to chill with me and get to know me. But just like after a run, every single time I got tired and worn down. When you're running you don't think. When you're running you just go, left right left right in out in out: pace yourself. When you stop running and the energy wears off for the day everything has time to catch up to you and take it's toll on you because you're too tired to fight back and it yells at you for trying to get away and you can't escape again until you run again.

Every time I've stopped running life has caught up to me. It sees me for who I am regardless of the color I dye my hair, or piercings, or tattoos, or diets, friends, habits, fads....
No matter where you go you take yourself with you. Even I can't escape that.

Beautiful sunset for you all

2009-11-16T13:55:00.001-08:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2009-11-15T21:25:00.001-08:00

I miss this. . It's a look I got often.

The past week has been different than any in the past two years. It's not that I dont feel ok with my decisions it's just that it's strange to me that I check my phone still every twenty minutes and there is never a text waiting for me. I wonder if it's strange for him too. Walking away from the biggest part of my life was heartbreaking. I did what was right for me though and I need to respect myself and my decision if I'm going to grow in the way I want and need to.

2009-10-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

I've been escaping lately into my work, or solitude, or drinking, or sleep. Collectively they bring me money, recognition, promotion, thinking time, head aches, peace, nightmares, and above all escape. I'm exhausted, I have nothing left to give to anyone. I am empty and tired of trying to fill up that emptiness with people and things. I'm just tired and done.

2009-09-28T21:20:00.001-07:00

Past experience has shown me that distancing myself from a situation brings clarity. Camp three years ago gave me the space I needed to re-evaluate my relationship with Ted and to come to the conclusion that it was a pretty shitty situation that I needed to get out of. Camp this year showed me that I did not want to live in Long Island, that in fact it brought me a heavy cover of depression which I associated not only with the place but with Dan who was at the core of my life there. In the two weeks since I have returned home I have felt greater inner peace I attributed to being away from a place and situation but lately the depression has settled back over my life and I spend most of my day missing the one person that has brought me the greatest happiness and comfort for the past two years that I have ever had.

I was so desperate to be happy that I decided that everything about Long Island had to go. Now I am wondering why I ever wanted to break up with Dan. I think the reason was in the place, my attitude towards everything changed when I was there and I made it impossible to be happy with anything. But for the past two weeks I have fallen asleep waiting for him to come home and crawl into bed with me. Having him be the last person I talk to before I fall asleep is very comforting but only a consolation to the real thing.

I keep wishing for him to move back out here because I believe that we could have a real chance at something permanent in a place that is safe for myself. But I am terrified that I won't be satisfied with anything. I'm afraid that he won't be enough to keep me happy or content with life. I am afriad that I will grow up to be a miserable person who breaks down, who isn't satisfied, who lets depression rip apart my family. I don't want to bring that into his life because he means that much. I'm overwhelmed by how important he is to me. I feel like it must be too soon in my life, that it could never work, but at the same time I miss him every single day and things are just better when he is around. Is that insane? I want a magic eight ball to tell me what to do because I am just weighed down by all of the options.

I am a wretched cunt rag.

2009-09-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

I am a wretched cunt rag. the way I treat Dan is not only disrespectful it's mean and wrong. I am so rude to him that all I end up doing is picking fights that I really don't mean to. It's not like I want to fight to get out anger-I can go for a run for that; I just don't know why I'm so mean to him I'm just so damn tired of being sad. But I think not being able to express what's wrong with me when I break down in tears plus picking on him for everything is just killing him. I wouldn't blame him at all if he decided to just give up, say fuck you, and leave.

I want to be happy, honestly happy. I want to not be a piece of shit ex-roommate/ex-girlfriend. I want to be the best friend to him that he is to me. He deserves so much more than I can give to him and I think it fucks up my mind that much more that I get so lost in myself and all I can do is apologize and hear him doubt me over and over.

I don't know how to fix my life and I can't even fix anything with him-I'm just a piece of shit. Super.

2009-09-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start I feel like I'm just spiraling downward, being sucked back into that black hole that I finally escaped back in senior year. It's like all that I have is just not enough. I have a nice apartment that i can afford, a job and I have an education that I'm heading back to tomorrow. I have friends that I can call to chat about anything and a family that loves me. But it's just not enough. It's like when you are on a steep hill in the snow and you just keep sliding down not gaining any ground, not moving in the right direction-and these people and things in my life are like branches I can grab onto to keep from slipping. But the branches always break or get up-rooted and I just fall down again.

My days are consumed with dreams of forgetting everything, hiding myself, and losing myself. Awful awful thoughts just consume me and it literally feels like I am stuck in a black hole that's just closing in getting tighter and smaller and more suffocating every morning I wake up.

It is the worst feeling. I feel so helpless, powerless, defeated. I just hate it. I hate everything and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to sleep and not wake up and just have peace again.

2009-08-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I've re-entered my downward spiral that I fought so hard to get out of. There is a piece of me that is ready to do the things I want to do without anyone relying on my to come home in one piece mentally and physically; I am unsure if I can be that whole. I've been comfortable with my life, and have felt whole as a person when I have been Meg+somebody. It was Meg+Ryan+Teddy+Ted+Dan. The security of Dan and his willingness to love and look past my flaws, the enthusiasm he has shown towards building a life together and the never ending patience and understanding he offered whenever I had a problem or messed everything up had put me in a place of feeling more complete then I ever had in my life. There is no good reason not to want to be with him other than not wanting to be with anyone. He has been compassionate and generous in all that he has done and in return all I have been is a wretched cunt rag.

I don't know when it happened but I just fell out of love with him. I hate myself for that because Dan is safe; Dan is home base, a lifetime of love, a fallout shelter in the shit show of a mortar attack. He was the glue that delicately put me back together when I was nothing but shards of glass and ground up powder. I honestly do not know how well off I would be without him in my life.

I feel like I owe him a lifetime of smiles and laughs, sweet messages on his phone, notes that say I will always love you.. I owe him eternal gratitude in the form of always lending an ear, rubbing his feet after a long night at work and a hot cup of soup when he's sick.

The problem is not being able to fall back in love with him because he's perfect and I'm sure having him back in my life, at my side, would be all it took, but I feel and would always feel that he deserves something so much better than I could ever give him. Call me a martyr to his eternal happiness but I can't allow myself back into his life feeling like the piece of shit that I do.

I should be happy with him. I should build a family with him. I just have the inopportune feelings of wanting to find out who Meg+no one is, of making a selfish choice finally for me. I'm terrified that I am pushing aside the greatest love I will ever have for a chance to be alone. It breaks my heart to think that when I eventually do move away it will be away from him and without him.

It's pathetic because at the end of the day there is nothing I would like to do more than crawl up into bed with him and have him kiss away the doubts and pet away the insecurities and whisper promises of it all working out and falling asleep in the safe haven of his arms and waking up holding onto a man that has pulled me out of drowning in an ocean of shit.

I want to stop being such a bitch, because it's my habit to push away push away push away and look for discord because I think that that will somehow help the situation into a more digestible outcome. I hate that I hurt him every fucking time I open my mouth because all he does is give and give and try and try and all I do is act like a shitty human being and shoot him down. It's not that he has done anything wrong, in fact he hasn't changed at all, I'm the one that changed. I'm the one that suddenly isn't satisfied and I'm the one pushing away.

But I wish I wasn't and that I was content with wonderful life with a wonderful man. On the other side I just wish that he would call me a scumbag and a worthless piece of shit, or on the other other side entirely I wish this just felt better. I've got a knot in my stomach that twists every time I open my mouth and talk about leaving and then again every time I talk about staying.

I just don't know what the answer is here, I don't know if I should go left or right. I just want to be happy, Dan makes me happy but I want Megan to make me happy too. I just can't believe that this is the right decision when it feels so dirty, I just don't.

Being a dolt sucks.

2009-06-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

7:50 wake up to crying cat
7:52 feed crying cat
7:54 go back to bed
7:54 cat jumps on head
8:30 cat head butts me (aka. wake up again)
8:45 jump in the shower
9:30 let Verizon man in
10:30 search for missing receipt
10:45 still searching
11:00 go dumpster diving and find missing receipt
11:30 say goodbye to Verizon man and hello to cable and Internet (aka $115 bill for the rest of my life)
11:45 say goodbye to boy who looks all smart leaving for work in his shirt and tie
11:55 gather piles of dirty laundry and H.&.M bag to return and throw it all in the car
12:05 head out on errands (buying screws for the t.v. stand that didn't have any, laundry, get gas, return shorts that are too small for my big ass)
3:00 finally get to laundromat
4:30 FINALLY get home from laundromat
4:35 screw t.v. together and feel seriously uncomfortable with the way it sways
4:38 turn on t.v. to see that it says "no video input" (ps how do I fix that?)
4:40 settle down for a little blogging.

When I went to the hardware store today I saw a washer and dryer on clearance and seriously contemplated buy them, I didn't A. because I don't think my landlord would be ok with that and B. because I just don't have that kind of cash anymore. But what I wouldn't give to have my very own washer and dryer!
And at this it occurs to me that being an adult sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks! I work all the time to pay bills to live in the apartment that I'm too busy working to enjoy with the cat that wakes me up at 7:50 in the morning crying only to jump on my head after I feed it. Most of the time spent in this house is occupied by some sort of cleaning; the bathroom, kitchen, bed, bedroom floor, litter box, vacuuming the thousands of bits of Styro.foam the cat tore up while we were trying to assemble the t.v. last night... the list goes on and on and on!

I'm feeling insanely grown up with too many responsibilities and bills! oh the bills just keep adding up!

And yet, that cat has finished shredding the new couch and has cuddled up to me, the laundry is folded (though not quite put away) and I have a few minutes waiting for the rain to stop before I venture outside to clean my car, Dan will be coming home to me in five hours and ten minutes and life is good!

Marbles

2009-05-25T08:09:00.001-07:00

I feel like my life is scattered like a bag of marbles that has been unceremoniously dropped onto the kitchen table. Bits of me have scattered very fast flying off that table to land somewhere under the refrigerator or over just to be forgotten, one catching the attention of the cat and being smacked into the next room and down the stairs just to cause discomfort to some one's foot later, some flew-smacking into the wall before losing momentum and stuttering back to the table as if giving up and the rest are still on that table going too fast headed towards the tables edge and I'm not sure if I can stop them from falling yet. I just want everything bag and held tight together again, everything tied securely in the bag and then reinforced because I feel like I'm losing it. I need friends and some stability in my life and I don't have it and I feel like I'm slowly going insane.

Chapter 3

2009-05-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

Things have changed a lot in the past few weeks I finally escaped from hell and now I'm living with the boyfriend. And let me tell you! Whew things are different on this side of the street or bed if you will. We work together, we live together and sometimes we spend time together but I feel like as much as we are around each other it's like there is no Megan and Dan time. At work we don't really talk because he's the big bad mean manager and I'm just a lowly server and by the time we get home we're just ready for bed. It's strange living with someone else that isn't family, or camp, or a roommate because things just got so, I don't know, serious? Minus a little argument over how I don't like the way he treats the servers while he's pretending to be a manager, I mean really-don't forget where you came from right-we've been pretty alright. And I think we'll be ok because I'll be gone the whole summer and then we probably (hopefully?) won't be working together when I get back, I think that space will be good.
And at the same time bad because between my school and work and his work when are we ever going to see each other?
I just don't know, this was a huge step and I'm happy because he is the one I want to build my life with.
I'm just terrified he's going to wake up next to me one morning and decide that's not what he wants from me. Not saying at all that I don't think he wants me just maybe not what I want and it kind of makes my stomach turn. I want some reassurance maybe.

Going Home

2009-05-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm moving out of this hell hole in about and hour and a half-and I think that's pretty great. This school has kept me so depressed since day one. Here's a little recap on how fucked up this place is:

Two underage, drunken (on a dry campus) white girls beat up on this Black guy for sitting on "thier" bench. He takes it.. and takes it.. and finally turns around and smacks one of them. He's kicked out of the dorm and put on probation. The girls punishment? For being drunk and starting fights you get a minor slap on the wrist. Because it was a black man that hit a white girl.
My professor tells me that she gave everyone in the class an A on a report that she gave me a C on, even though we had the same quality of work. Because she was trying to "help" them out. Maybe I should point out I'm one of three white kids in the class? And what did going to the Dean of Students get me? Nothing. Not even a response.
I'm entrenched in this overly racist society that is making me a bad person. I wasn't racist before I got here, I judge a lot now. I'm not happy about it.

A couple of good things have happened since moving here

I made a couple friends at my new work. Where, sure the managers are dicks, but they do their jobs right at least.
I experienced living in a dorm, which I knew from the beginning I'd hate (and I do) and had at least one crazy college kid night.
I found out what's really involved with being a big kid. Lots of bills, that's what.

But now I'm going home. I'll finish packing up my car in about an hour, hand over my room key and mailbox key (which I've checked maybe three times all semester.) And I'll head over to work to kill some time, maybe eat, before working the night shift. Then I'll hop in my car and drive to Jersey to stay there until Friday (remember I have nowhere to stay in about an hour) and then I'll come back bright and early Friday morning to move into my apartment with the greatest guy I've ever met. (Though he hates the idea of living with me so so much. I am crazy I guess.) And I'll have a home again.

A home that I never play rap music in. Because it sucks and I've heard enough of it to last me forever and then some. I'm very excited to move into a new home with my boy and my cat and have our little family all in one place. I'm excited to have a stove so I can cook food that has nothing to do with TGI.Frid.ays. I can clean my little apartment as much as I want. There will always be toilet paper and I won't be living with people who are so proud of what they leave in the toilet that they... leave it in the toilet.

I'm just relieved that this hell is finally over and that I never ever need to come back here for anything other than a transcript.

Thank God.

2009-04-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have so much to write about it feels like my soul is just going to explode if I don't get it out.

But I have no time at all. But when I do it's all going to be about:
Life
Death
Apartments
Changes
Residency
Stress
Family
and how fucked my life is.

love.

Be serenity

2009-04-12T20:26:00.001-07:00

I love days like today where I find the inner peace that generally evades me daily. I love the happy thoughts about where my life is, and the excitement to see someone I finally had a little tiny chance to miss. I've really just had a great weekend, I think my parents and I have begun to settle into a more relaxed relationship of grown up mother/father/daughter instead of mother/father/child-who-needs-to-be-taken-care-of-constantly. It's a nice feeling just to have them off my back really.

It's back to reality though now that school has started up again, I need to start seriously looking into finding an apartment, save money for the security, brokers fee (which I really feel the person WITH the apartment should have to pay) and first months rent (which at 1400 for each-split two ways comes to a whopping 2100!) figure out money for next semester, (around 5-6000) figure out Dan's birthday present and if it's going to be big or not ($?) make sure I have money for disney (between 600-1000) and it's just all adding up. I feel really guilty that I just bought an I.pod shu.ffle, I think I'm going to return it (good thing I brought the receipt/packaging back with me) I mean it wasn't too expensive considering but I need to be saving money for other things.

Despite the growing concern for having enough money.. I still feel peaceful and content. It's amazing. I know it's going to leave soon enough and slide back into depression but it's a nice feeling for now. I guess you take what you can get right?

Get it out..

2009-04-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

Life has been a roller coaster for the past few weeks. months. years.. whatever. I feel as if everything has built up to some kind of maximum like it has reached to point where it is pushing against this barrier and the barrier is just a whisper away from snapping; I'm a whisper away from snapping.

I need my brother to come home; his approximate return date is the middle of May. That's like what-six weeks? The anxiety is building as the date gets closer, every day I grow more terrified that something will happen to ... delay his return. I need him here, he is by far my best friend and I miss being able to call him at retarded hours, to tell him the stupid dramas of my life, to hear about his stupid training missions. I miss him and having someone that really understood my mind inside and out on speed dial.

Talking to the old man (forgive me I don't want to taint this blog with the name anymore than I may have in the past) gave me some closure that I think I really needed but had pushed to the side thinking I was never going to be able to have it. I believe it was good. I believe that it reminded me that he didn't always suck that I did love a guy that had some compassion and that, while he fucked me up, he did care about me and he will until the day he dies. I did mean something.... Pause.

I feel like I've regressed back into the miserable fuck I used to be; feelings of worthlessness and sadness are back full force, not that they ever really left. I know he'd tell me I'm stupid, but I feel like my own boyfriend just puts up with me because I moved here to be with him, because he feels obligated to make me happy. I feel distant from him, from reality? From my life, I feel like I'm watching it and tapping on the glass trying to get my own attention to tell myself to snap out of it. To fucking wake up and live. And then I think why the hell can't I just wake up and say "fuck it let's be happy," but whenever I do it's just fake. I feel like any progress I made over the past few months in the happiness department has just dissolved like a thin layer blown away by the stress and loneliness of the past few months.

Today I think I suck, and I hate that. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just let shit roll off of me and move on? I need to know the recipe...

The world will laugh a little less.

2009-03-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

This morning my dad's best friend Wayne died. Wayne was one of the funniest guys to ever walk this planet-always getting into some kind of mischief. He had a great presence about him in sheer size and personality. He was diagnosed with stage four non small cell lung cancer a few months back, by that point it was just a matter of months. But I didn't expect to hear it today. I am just crushed. Wayne was the guy that, god forbid, anything should happen to my own father would be walking me down the aisle. He's the one that when my parents are gone and my car breaks down, comes out at eight in the morning to diagnose the problem. He's the one always cracking jokes and keeping moral up. I think he just got too tired. If you had the chance to meet him, you've been blessed; if you never got that chance then you missed out on something really great and once in a life time.

God Bless Mister Wayne Miller. The world will be laughing a little less without you in it.

SE#5

2009-03-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

So in response to cops LTLYM posts I've decided to do self-esteem guided writing post here when I don't have anything to write about. I have, and have always had, a very low self esteem. In previous posts I've written about not being a happy kid or having people tell me they thought I was miserable. So a few months ago I bought "The self-esteem guided journal: a ten week program" by Matthew McKay. I did four enteries and then kind of forgot about the whole project. Buuuut I hate myself so much I'm going to keep up on it here.

So day five says, "Nonjudgment with parents and Relatives. Today we're asking you to focus your efforts on parents and other relatives. Think about and visualize your parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and other members of your family. Try to hold and image of each person in your mind. As you focus on each family member, be aware of their traits, tendencies and anything significant you know about their history. Now make a real effort to see that person withough judgment, without any thoughts of good or bad. Explore in your journal how this exercise feels and what it's like attempting to shift your fovus from judgment to acceptance."

I'm not too sure how to go about doing this, so little numbers are going to have to do. I think I'll leave the hardest for last but I'm going to keep this relatively short.

Kyle- My brother Kyle is my best friend we used to never get along but when he went away to boot camp we got very close. He breaks my heart though because he is that nice guy that always gets the raw end of the deal. I think he is the easiest one to see in a non-judging way because I would do anything for him in a heartbeat. Whenever he is upset or something is going on in his life I have no problem just accepting it for what it is and helping him work through it in the best way I can. Thoughts about him making the "wrong" decision or anything like that don't enter my mind when it comes to Kyle.
Ken- My other brother, Ken is a little harder not to judge because he is different from your typical 27 year old. I accept him because he is my brother and we grew up together. It's a little harder not to think of him as a dork or, as I affectionately call him, the missing link when he gets excited about going to a concert showcasing his favorite video game music.
Mom- I have never been able to get into my mother's head. And I will never understand what ever compelled her to do some of the things she has done in the past. She is hard to accept because I grew up thinking everyone else's mom was a lot more affectionate than my own. Maybe she just isn't that kind of person. But it's hard to think outside the stereotypes of what "mom" is and accept that that is just not who my mom is.
Uncle Jimmy- This is tough. My uncle Jimmy died two summers ago. He basically drank himself to death. Out of all of my aunts and uncles I was closer to him and my Aunt Robin because I babysat their daughter, my cousin Maddie from pretty much the day she was born until 2007 when I got a higher paying job. You never expect divorce or alcoholism or death to disrupt a small family so quickly. It broke my heart hearing Maddie ask for daddy. And for a long time I was angry at Jimmy for leaving his daughter like that. But now two years later Maddy is growing up so quickly and involved in so many things that the lose of her father has not restricted her in anyway. And there is my acceptance for Jimmy. My time in the rooms showed me that some people just cannot handle life. Some people just don't want to get better or are afraid to try. Jimmy was one of them. I still think it's unfair that he's gone, but I find a little more acceptance every time I talk about it
Dad- Dad is another tough one because even though we lived in the same house my whole life, he just wasn't around. He seemed more interested playing with the boys than interacting with his daughter. I don't think I've ever gotten over that and I think it may have fucked me up more than it should have/needed to/I thought. On top of this my dad suffers from depression and has for as long as I can remember. The sound of his depressed sighs never meant anything good for the sound level in my house. If you know of the events of late last year you know why I think my dad is just pathetic, and now he has cancer and I don't know if I take that back. No, I do not think he could survive this on his own without going insane, but I still don't know how much I think he should have stayed with her after all that. My dad is tough and maybe the hardest to just accept because I am a lot like him and lord knows I can't accept myself.

Accepting people especially family for who they are is tough because I want them to be how I want them to be or how I think they should be or how society thinks they should be. And it's crazy to me to see how differently I turned out compared to all of them and still be able to accept who they are at the end of the day.
Non judgement is a hard thing huh..

Skin.

2009-03-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

I'm going home to Jersey on Sunday ~~morning~~ afternoon for my father's surgery. And I'm starting to feel a little anxious. I understand that prostate cancer is very curable and this surgery is probably one of those "whatever" kind of procedures so I don't think it's the surgery that I'm nervous about exactly I think it's more so the drama.

That's probably ~~selfish.~~ Fucked up.

But I just hate drama and I love love my father but I don't want to go home to a pity party. I want to show support and I want to be there to give him a hug before the procedure and I want my mom to have someone to lean on. I don't want anyone to talk about my dad having cancer, or the months of recovery, or the long term effects.

Being there for other people seems a lot easier than being there for myself. I have no problems showing up for someone else. Dealing with another family, mine just frustrates me to no end, so while I'd like to stay there forever and help out with anything, three days sounds long enough to me.

I wonder if that makes me a sucky person?

It's a Wonderful Life

2009-02-26T15:45:00.000-08:00

Things have been super crazy hence the lack of updates. It seems like everything is coming at me in quick waves of awful events and honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can hold up my side of the street. There is so much to do that today I'm sitting back and realizing how much I've missed doing the stuff that I really enjoy doing like pleasure reading, listening to music, writing this blog, calling friends and emailing my family. There just hasn't been enough time in the day for all of it. I have been reading a lot of different blogs lately and though I don't have much of a message-if any-to carry, reading them makes me miss writing here.
I have a lot of friends that over the years have been able to rely on me for anything and I don't regret helping them one bit but our problems are getting so much harder and much more personal that as time goes by we're around if we need each other for sure but I think we're more afraid of reaching out and asking for help.
That fear reminds me of my stint in the program and always being afraid of asking for help because I didn't want anyone to know how bad or not bad I was. I was afraid of never measuring up to the "worst" addict in the room that I probably didn't get as much help as I could have. But I always felt like I was stealing from them anyway.

Moving on.

My dad has prostate cancer-a very slow progressing and curable cancer. But still scary. Cancer. Scary word, puts knots in my stomach, gives me panic attacks, makes me want to sleep instead of face the day. The doctors say the scan showed everything was contained and that surgery should fix it and chemo won't be necessary. And isn't that a breath of relief. My dad's best friend has cancer but his prognosis isn't so promising. The lung cancer went undetected for a while so well.. you know. In situations like this I always find myself looking at both sides I look at Wayne and his wife Dawn and I look at my mom and dad and I wonder if Dawn is cursing the injustice, and then if she's cursing herself for wishing the roles were reversed because who would wish that on someone else?
I look at people a lot. I feel for them often. I try to put myself in their shoes, I try to understand what they are thinking and lately that empathy has led me to a lot of emotional anguish. I really feel for people and all that feeling really makes me sad. I need a way to deal with all these emotions. I need a way to allow things to just be and not effect me so much. Maybe a way to not feel so much?

Next.

School. Pretty lame. Lots of reading a few papers here and there but not much to say on top of that in the academic department. Dorming sucks. It's not going to get better and I don't want to hear it, I mean come on I'm being FINED because a couple of children on my floor had a party and got sloppy. Not cool.
I guess an upside is, not that I've ever lacked the ability to speak out, but I'm learning the self reliance needed to live away from home. I actually had a conversation with my RA to express my... concern with this fine. It's not that paying the five dollars would have really set me back it's the principle of the thing. One, I guarantee 97% of the people on this campus are here on financial aid or have mommy and daddy paying for anything. Two, I work close to 40 hours a week to pay back every single penny of my loan. Three, I avoid this place like the plague, I wasn't on campus for six days starting the day before the 'incident' happened. I go to class, go to work, see my boyfriend, come back go to my dorm, do my homework and am generally asleep by midnight on school nights. When would I possibly have had time to make a mess with my hall mates. Because really I'm the social butterfly that made friends with a bunch of partying fools. Yeah that's me. Seriously. Not.

I'm just looking forward to being a big kid and living on my own, and being able to keep creepy people out of my house. I mean for real these kids just walk into my room. Have you heard of knocking? Let's be serious.

College is like a different world and I want the next train home please.

Peace out.

Butterfly

2009-01-21T18:41:00.001-08:00

I wonder, quite often, how different my life would have been if I had been more outgoing or had friends in high school, you know-if I had been popular. I wonder if maybe I’d have 700 pictures on facebook from all the times my friends wanted to snap a picture of us; I wonder if I’d be prettier, skinnier, more capable. I’m not deluded I know having crazy outgoing friends or playing a sport or having all those pictures on facebook doesn’t guarantee happiness or good looks. I know that it is just silly to think that the popular life is blessed with shitting gold. But I’ve always felt left out.

I look at my roommate and her friend and they are just so involved with life playing sports and goofing around with their friends and I feel old. I feel out of place on my whole floor, I feel like some one is looking over my shoulder and watching me the whole time. Not like the paranoid someone is coming to get me but I guess I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like some kind of idiot weirdo because I just follow my 18 year old roommate around. She’s cool but definitely just out of high school if you know what I mean. I just feel like I should be able to take care of myself. I really really need to start working so that I can make some friends that are like me.

I understand that view point is crazy and that I one, can’t expect to know where everything or anything is in this brand new state and two that you can never tell just what someone is going through by how they act but some part of me still can’t helping wishing I was a little bit more like them and a little bit less like me. I guess I’m really just a little more than miserable living in this dorm room. I will never live on campus again it depresses me already.

ugh.

Change

2009-01-20T17:13:00.000-08:00

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

Today is a day of change all around and I am thrilled! I was so excited to see a HUGE American flag hanging from the GWB I would have stopped to take a picture but the bridge is not a place to stop and take pictures. But I stole this picture from Google. This picture doesn’t do this simple act of hanging a flag justice. The sun was shining and driving up to see this flag hanging above imposing and radiant was breathtaking.

I spent the whole morning scanning the AM radio stations for inaugural coverage and found one that I followed religiously for hours. I was furious that the timing of check-in at school today took place between ten and two and I showed up around eleven. I tried to rush getting everything done so I could catch the inauguration but I only made it in time for the beginning of God Bless America, so as I write this I am watching Obama’s speech, getting chills as he talks about peace and prosperity. We may not be ready yet but I believe under Obama we will be able to lead once more. For the world has changed and we must change with it.

On another note I made a big change today as I moved into my dorm room. I have a very nice (freshman) roommate who seems pretty chill, her friend Alexa(?) is pretty chill too. I feel like I’m walking into something a little late, this probably would have been more fun if I was a freshman too but I guess you take what you can get right? It’s difficult to move to such a new area I feel lost! I don’t know where a damn thing is! This campus is pretty big and I walked around like an idiot for about fifteen minutes after moving my car just trying to find my dorm again. It was nuts and I called two different people to talk me through my trip.

I am not looking forward to trying to find my 830 class tomorrow morning, but I do have a three(?!) hour break in between my first and second classes so I’ll probably take that time to figure out where all my classes are and buy some notebooks before coming back to take a nap, something I’m already looking forward to.

The Curse

2009-01-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

Honest to God I believe that I am somehow cursed. Every time I really want to do something or need to go somewhere something goes wrong with my car. Since I'm moving on Tuesday why am I not surprised to find that the power steering on my car is shot and something with the air-conditioning cooling system or whatnot is dying too. Pretty cool huh? Heaven forbid I get a fucking break, right when the stress over having a dorm and having classes is resolved Huey breaks. I just need someone to throw me a bone here! I'm not getting the car back until Monday (keep your fingers crossed that everything goes right) and it's not even going to be totally fixed because my father decided to not fix the cooling part. I told him he can pay off my loan when my car blows up.

I'm just so frustrated because I am moving and I don't want my car to break down and get myself stuck in the middle of nowhere. I want to scream and get a fucking break. Fucking hell.

Let your troubles roll by

2009-01-14T02:28:00.000-08:00

So just an update from yesterday:

My friend Dave came into work today (I used to work and go to meetings with him) and I told him about my star.bucks encounter yesterday and he told me that D. actually used to ask about me all the time when Dave and I worked together. He told me not to worry and that I have to let go of this idea that my old friends don’t want to have anything to do with me because I no longer go to meetings. I found a balance in my life and meetings really messed with my balance and brought a lot of unneeded insanity into my life.

I feel so relieved to know I wasn’t rejected by my family-it was really tearing me up for a little bit there.

Here’s a song for you all I hope it speaks to you too.

Hurt..

2009-01-12T20:42:00.001-08:00

So most people who read this know what kind of meetings I spent most of my nights in for about two years up until a year ago. You know how important they were to me and how they molded me into the person I am today. When I was there I met a lot of great people that really touched my life. These people showed me what strength was, what it meant to suffer and overcome. These people were my family and I will love them forever.

Today I ran into one of my favorite people. We’ll call him D. D was a constant in my recovery he was always around, always had a smile, would listen to me whenever I needed someone and once told me that if I stayed clean in a few years, when I was looking for a teaching job he’d be happy to help me out. I’ll tell you that that really meant a lot to me-to hear someone having faith in my abilities to be a successful productive member of society.

But so I saw him today and I was so happy! I was so excited that I saw D one of my most favorite people ever! And he said hi and I said hi and I got up to give him a hug, not realizing he was walking away and then I realized he was leaving and he realized I was standing and stopped to look at me and I was already sitting down and it was so awkward! So I said “oh I was just going to get up and give you … but it’s fine I’ll see you around.” He responded with “I would but I’m just running late.” Maybe I imagined it but just the way he said it made me feel like he was just saying it. That kind of hurt and I nearly cried, in the middle of star.bucks with one of my best friends while I was on the phone with my boyfriend and oh I don’t know..

I just felt hurt that someone I looked up to so much would write me off that quickly because I don’t go to meetings anymore=I must be getting high=I’m not worth it. And it just hurt.

I don’t need that place to be a part of my life any longer. I don’t need the insanity that those rooms brought to my life. I have found a balance in my life plus alcohol minus drugs; it’s a balance that I have worked hard for, brings me happiness and I am satisfied with. But I miss the people that became my family, and it hurts when your family rejects you.

(ps...dan's awesome)

2008-12-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin tonight I'm sad and disappointed in most of the people I know whether they be friends or family and I've been finding myself pushing away from all of them because I don't want to be let down. Now I understand that not everyone will drop everything to drive four hours at three in the morning to help a friend but I'd like to know someone will drive twenty minutes to be there for me. Or that my friends will be happy for me no matter what I choose to do with my life. So maybe I'm exagerating with my reaction but I feel better pushing everyone away than keeping anyone close.

At the same time I miss having friends. I went out with two friends from highschool a few nights ago and they sat talking about a group of friends that I once belonged to. For whatever reason I was kind of pushed out of the group as we went through highschool and now I only talk to the two of them. These guys get together all the time; now I don't think I even like who any of them have become, but it makes me kind of sad that they decided they didn't want me to be a part of anymore. I feel kind of rejected. I kind of feel like this is happening with my now friends, and I want to push everyone away before they can kick me out, because that hurts too much.

But I guess we grow up and grow apart. We invest time in people and we gain bonds of love and trust, but as time goes by we change and we no longer like who are friends are and they become people that we will always love but can't find ourselves to trust with the important things anymore.

I don't know kids, I need time away from all of this. I can't wait to move, I'm afraid of being alone and ruining the best thing in my life right now, but I can't stand to be in this shit hole anymore.

2008-12-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

I find it amazing that I could wake up one day and decide to quit smoking and two months later be smoke free. Amazing that I quit biting my nails, that I cut down on coffee, that I made a decision to treat my body better by eating better and exercising more. I've made big changes in my life in the past few months, figuring out school on my own and getting ready to move to a completely different state where I know one person. Huge changes. Huge life changing decisions. But what I find amazing out of all of this is how I still am not happy, how I'm still the miserable person I've been for as long as I remember.

I've never had a great deal of self esteem, not because I think that I'm a bad person because I don't think that. I honestly think I'm a good person but I don't think that I deserve good things. I think that there are millions of people that deserve good things and happiness before me. I couldn't figure this out for the life of me.

I always knew that I kept ending up in emotionally abusive relationships I guess I never really understood why. I can't remember one specific time when I was happy. I can't remember any of my childhood. I can't remember anything. Because I blocked it out, I blocked it all out. I was a miserable kid, and through lots of talking with the love of my life (yeah yeah) I've come to the conclusion that I had kind of an abusive childhood-not like physically but definitely emotionally. I was never the center of attention, in fact I was always made to feel like my brothers were somehow better than me-deserved more love, attention, whatever than me. I would fade into the background because I didn't think I deserved any attention. The only time I was the center of my parents day was when I was yelled at or blamed for whatever, when I was made the scape goat.

It's a God awful feeling. Feeling like you don't deserve love and it opened me up to dating older men. Men who were outgoing, charismatic, older (which meant wiser and could take care of me)and who had a lot of friend. I wanted inclusion and attention. I wanted to be a part of something-a disgusting desire that has messed with my life more than once. As it turns out all the guys I'm attracted to are actually assholes who I guess subconsciously I want to be with so that they can tell me I'm a piece of shit. (Yeah again with the self esteem.) Unfortunately for my subconscious and fortunately for me I found Dan. But that's not the point.

I don't want to be miserable anymore, it really hurts all day every day. I don't want to be angry with my parents for not knowing how to love their daughter. But I don't know how to move past all that and heal and be happy and like myself. I want to believe that I deserve good things like really believe it. But it is so damn hard and I just don't know how to. I don't know how to be happy.

I guess not the happiest post for the season. Meh.

2008-12-08T13:53:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin these past few weeks have been like a roller coaster of stress for me, so much so that I didn't even want to think about my problems let alone write about them. I finally got fed up with my school and decided to just show up at my adviser's office and sit outside her door until she saw me luckily she did see to me and I am registered for enough classes to get housing-something that has been stressing me out the most. Now I just need to be assigned housing

Other than that I guess there isn't a whole lot to talk about.. I haven't been inspired by much lately-just really angry at a lot of people for being unfair or selfish or just mean people. I'll tell you I'm really looking forward to going away to school and moving and getting away from these people and starting over and being able to decide who I want to deal with for myself. Definitely looking forward to a change.

Anyway that's all for now until I'm inspired by something.. love.

Just to live one day in those shoes..

2008-11-10T22:35:00.000-08:00

I look to the people around me for inspiration. I look to them for guidance. And I look to the people around me for hope. There is one person in particular that I have always looked up to, who has so many qualities that I aspire to have. She is my neighbor and my cousin’s mother-in-law, and probably one of the most selfless people I have ever had the good fortune to know.

She was there for my family to help organize nearly everything when my uncle died a few years back; she is always around when I need a second opinion or some advice on life; and she seems to always be ready and willing when you need a favor. She is who I think of when I think of a good person or someone I wish to be like.

I want to have the reputation she does-I want to be the person that people call when they need a favor. I want to be the house that neighbors visit when they need a friendly ear. I want to be the person that can walk around and everyone is happy to see them. I just want to be the good person that she is. I don’t want to be famous or powerful or anything like that; I want to be the person that is just as important as the rich famous and powerful, to the few lives that they touch on a day-t0-day basis.

Breath

2008-11-07T21:28:00.001-08:00

I'm happy to say that life is back to the way it is supposed to be and that I am breathing again.

Last week was really tough and I don't know if the fact that my brother is "on vacation" has really hit me yet; the goodbye was kind of abrupt: a hug and a kiss and then he was walking away. I guess I just figured he was coming back for a few more minutes or something. But he was just gone. The abruptness is really still kind of shocking but I understand having things to do and not wanting to stick around for a twenty minute sob fest.

But today I went back to work for a double shift and it was really actually nice just to be back in my stride at work of kissing peoples asses, bull shitting with my co-workers and just doing anything to keep myself busy and pass the time as quickly as possible.

Having breakfast and spending time with the boy after work helped to bring normalacy back a lot as well. I really missed that kid. Man. Whatever.

OK so I quit smoking and biting my nails about a month ago now. Now it's on to step two-losing some weight and getting into better shape. I wish it wasn't getting so cold out running in the cold is the worst. My reason for this is because I feel like if I keep doing nice things for myself ie: treating my body better I might start feeling better about myself.

Because I'm super tired of being forgotten, letting myself get put down, and hating myself. I want to be someone worth being, and worth being proud of.

That's all for now I'm too tired to write anymore.

Love.

4 hours..

2008-11-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

In three hours my brother will getting changed into his cammies putting his boots on and doing one last mental check to make sure everything is in order.

In three and a half hours we will be in the car driving to Littl.e C.reak Nav.al Base to drop Kyle off on that base with his unit.

In four hours we will be saying goodbye, getting one last hug and kiss before we watch him grab his gear and walk away from us for probably eight months.

I think I'm starting to feel the sadness, it's creeping in and grabbing onto my heart.

It's been a stressful day for everyone, Kyle didn't sleep last night because he was stressing and anxious completely understandable. We ran some errands together and tried to keep the mood light singing songs, joking around, and finding random funny videos on you.tube. It's tough because we've known this was coming for months, this entire year has been leading up to this one day for us and now that it is here Kyle and I both agree that we just wish it was Friday. Friday means that he'll be in country and I'll be back to my normal life.

Friday means breathing again. And I cannot wait.

Three hours thirty eight minutes...

Update

2008-11-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

For anyone that cares and doesn't know, I am down in Virginia with my mother and father visiting with Kyle before we have to say goodbye Wednesday at midnight for 6-8 months.

I feel as if my lungs are constricted and refusing to allow oxygen into my body. These past two nights have been sleepless and I have been on the verge of panic each time I lay down in my bed (which by the way I am terrified of sleeping in places that aren't camp. I don't even feel safe sleeping in my own bed at home) I can't swallow and my muscles are tense and making me jumpy at every little movement or sound. I'm falling rapidly towards a breakdown and I just can't slow anything down.

I want to slow down the time that we have to spend with Kyle so that everyone can relax and enjoy the moment instead of making this week uncomfortable-like my father has. He is constantly on edge and letting everyone know how miserable he is and his attitude is not making this trip a memory he's making it a chore. He is making my brother uncomfortable and me wish desperately for Friday when we will have said goodbye and be back in Jersey. I think it is so unfortunate that that is where my mind is at; unfortunate that I am not thinking that every day is a gift that I just want to be back to my normal life of working, reading, and Dan.

I want to be angry with my parents for the shit that they put each other, themselves and me through in the past couple of weeks. I want to be angry at my father for not realizing that it is not all about him that his son might be leaving for 6-8 months but my best friend is leaving for that long too. I want to shout, "how dare you take this away from me?! How dare you act so pathetic?!"

How dare he?

How dare I be this angry during such a time. Every single day is a gift and I'm taking them for granted and I'm miserable and I'm crying and I'm panicking and maybe I think I might be making this all about me. I so badly want to return my life to the normalcy of Jersey where day after day is the same thing where I'm not stuck in a hotel room counting down the hours until I can escape from my parents and the impending breakdown.

I want to be able to breath again.

2008-10-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

I don't remember much about my childhood at all I think maybe it is because I forced myself to forget it because I didn't like it, I always felt there was something missing. I remember that I was always a quiet kid and that I never fit in with the girls so instead I played wall-ball with the boys. I think playing with the boys inspired a thirst to prove myself.

Unfortunately being a quiet kid and wanting to prove myself couldn't both be done. I think this made me angry because I remember as I grew older I didn't really have a best friend anymore and throughout the rest of elementary school and middle school I was always butting heads with some of the boys and always avoiding friendships with the girls.

I became a loner until highschool when I found my spot with the diner junkies where I would disappear to for hours drinking dozens of cups of coffee a night, talking about music and just feeling free to be who I was. I remember always envying my new friends who felt comfortable being the center of attention because I was terrified to have all eyes on my and say something wrong and lose these friends. I think that's really where I began to adopt a different persona, one that used more drugs and did "harder" things.

This persona has caused me a lot of grief because I feel it to be a big fake lie. I don't believe that this person is me and I think it has caused me to retract the real me into myself again because people liked me when I was a junkie. People liked me when I was getting clean. But that is not who I am and I am desperate to break the cycle of what people think of me.

I guess I want to start over and make myself a better, more outgoing, more useful, person. I feel like I have no purpose and this barely-doing-anything day after day routine is really helping to make me feel useless and unwanted.

Maybe it's unjustified, I know I'm a good person but I'd really like a clean slate with some of my friends at least. But how am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to come clean? I'm a big fake and it drives me crazy.

And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

2008-10-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

I really don't have a clue what is going on anymore. Last night Kyle got in from the bar and filled me in on his theory of my parents having had a make-up session. And you know what? Great. Awesome. Fantastic. I'm glad that they have worked things out to some sick satisfaction. But I am beyond angry right now over the whole thing.

This morning I received a phone call from my aunt (my dad's sister) asking me to fill her in on what is going on-I let it go to voice mail but when I finally got out of bed to tell my dad he needed to call her he gave me attitude asking about him to call his sister!!! Listen I get it that he doesn't want anyone concerned but holy fuck don't you dare take anything out on me. I do not care if I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and found all of this out but I have also been the one that he broke down sobbing to for the past two days.

So a while later my father and brother went to the movies and I went up to my mom and told her that I needed to say something. So I told her that if she ever did anything like that again-she would no longer be my mother. I told her that I had lived these past few days in fear of my father's stability.

I guess all the stress from the past couple of days had just caught up to me this morning when I let that anger out and lashed out on my mother. I think this might be sick but I really got a lot of satisfaction out making her cry. I'm just so angry.

But I really want to thank all the people that have been around to listen to me. Kelsey who, even though I've only met once, sat with me on the phone for like twenty minutes during the phillies game; Kris who put up with my drunken-babbling-bawling at random hours of the day; everyone who has texted me to just say that they love me; and mostly my boy who dealt with a lot of drunken crying and I love yous, and threats if he ever thinks of pulling this shit with me and still wanted to be there and drink beer in my car and sing stupid love songs with me.

I don't know where I would be without any of you. I don't know if I'd survive, without a friend like you in my life..

Thanks everyone.

Megan is feeling...

2008-10-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling guilty, neurotic, anxious, confused, scared and who the hell knows what else. So much has gone down in the past few weeks and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it all; I am used to having answers and problem solving and being the person that can step outside of a situation and figure it out. Now I'm stuck, lost and confused about what is going to happen.

Let me recap the past couple of weeks:

Two weeks ago I went down to Delaware to be with Kristen and her family and being there showed me the strength of family and or the individual (her mom) who came out of surgery and was immediately telling jokes. That weekend I decided that, because I never want to be the reason the people I love experience that much sorrow and anxiety over me, I was going to quit smoking. So I had my last cigarette that Sunday and drove the two hours home not smoking at all and still have not had a cigarette.
Let me tell you that my dedication to this decision has probably made all the difference in the world. I don't crave a cigarette when I wake up or after eating or out of boredom or just because it has been ten minutes since my last one. I have lost the desire to smoke. It is amazing.

Moving on...
Kyle is home on leave before his deployment on the 5th. It's been an emotional time for the family as everyone comes to say goodbye and really begin to come to terms with his leaving us again. It's a difficult time and I find myself day-dreaming about having found an apartment so I wouldn't have to be around for this. Because did I mention that not only is my brother leaving oh yeah-my mother is a big cheater. I'm unsure of the exact terms of the affair, it may only be emotional, but that is still cheating. And I'm sorry but if there is something wrong or missing from a relationship-a MARRIAGE than you fucking sit and talk it out. You make it work or you end it. You don't lie, you don't cheat, you don't break your partners heart.

My father already suffers heavily from depression. He takes situations too seriously and somewhere in the back of his mind thinks that no one loves him and now with his son-who he looks at as his buddy, his friend, there is even some hero worship there-being shipped over seas for the next six months, and his wife who is cheating on him but says-things just got carried away and, I'm so sorry and regretful, and I think we can work past this (which by the way I think is very ballsy of her to say)-I really just don't think my dad can survive all of this. And it terrifies me. I want to hide his drugs, I want to dump his booze. I want to put him somewhere he can't hurt himself because I am so afraid for him. I think this might kill him.

I feel guilty because I do not want to be here anymore even though my father needs someone to turn to. I feel like I just don't want to have anything to do with it.

I feel fake because I told Kristen my secret and I think other people deserve to know but I'm feel selfish because I don't want to have those conversations.

I feel sad for my parents and for myself because where is the hope for me in a successful long term relationship if I based everything I know off of my parents and now all that shit is a lie.

I'm so angry yet understandable at the same time with my mother. How could she? How fucking could she do this to my father and then turn around and try to down play it the very next day. But I understand the kind of guy my father is and how there is probably a lot she cannot get from him. But that still doesn't make it OK to do what she did. But I feel dirty for finding some justification in all of it.

My heart is broken. My father was sitting in a corner in his room sobbing today. Completely broken. And right now as I write this my mother is in her nice warm bed while my father is sleeping on the couch. I feel like that's a little twisted.

What I am angry about most of all is the fact that, even though he does, Kyle isn't supposed to know what is going on. How the fuck do they expect me to be able to handle all of this on my own?? I am tempted to sit my mother down and ask for specific details because if I am the one that has to be here walking on eggshells and picking up the broken pieces I want to know all of what happened. And if she isn't willing to give me that much well then... I really don't want anything to do with her anymore.

It's just all so confusing. I wish I could put everything into words.

Still haven't smoked yet though.. that's got to count for something right??

love I guess..
meg

Sure hate to break down here..

2008-10-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a panic attack today as I was cleaning my room, generally I find it theraputic to throw stuff out-my room is so tiny that, occasionally, I start to get overwhelmed and feel trapped with the amount of crap in it so today was cleaning day and I just chucked a whole bunch of stuff. I moved on from my shelves to my closet and began the even harder undertaking of choosing what was worth it to keep and what was just sentimental crap that I needed to get rid of to move on and that's when I found the box. Ted's box. Filled with cards and a teddy bear and jewelery and watch that I gave him for his birthday that he gave back to me, through a friend, after we broke up. Well I taped that box up nicely with duct tape, put it to the side for burning later, and tried to figure out what to do with the watch, I decided to take a hammer to it and about five minutes ago you could find me (as my curious neighbors did) banging the shit out of that hundred and sixty dollar watch with a metal hammer over the sewar grate in the parking lot of my complex.

It was great, theraputic, a moment of growth! Pictures were taken and the moment was shared!

And then I broke down, freaked out, took a valium and hid in my room. Literally hid, behind my bed where no one could find me pulled up blogger and now here I am just waiting for the drugs to kick in before I have to go to work, pretend that I'm fine and, pretend that I care. When today I would rather curl up in a ball and hide from the world and pretend like I don't exist, pretend like the world doesn't exist.

I guess these past few weeks have just been stressful, tiring, full of unpleasant surprises; I guess that box was just the last straw that sent me over the edge.

I just really wish I didn't need to face the world today.
-meg.

2008-10-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

I found this through stumble today and it broke my heart in a nice way. It's just a silly little story but it made my day.

Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"
We ALL need someone who Understands!

and this was just funny. enjoy!

for you and for me

2008-10-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

He might be a bit of a creeper but the message in this song is amazing. I wish helping others and bringing peace to the world was as easy as letting this song affect you. Peace.

capture the moment

2008-09-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

I have always been the kind of person that just sits back and watches things happen. I don't mean I don't take action when I feel like I should; I mean I like to observe and try to understand a hidden meaning. I like to capture a moment of time in the clearest of details to recall at my leisure. In fact what I picture as my "happy" place is really just an image of a flower. It's very simple but it brings me peace.

Sometimes when I'm out on my own I will see something like a scene in nature, or a moment shared between two people and I take a snapshot of it in my mind. I almost feel as if I am stumbling upon some secret of the universe and I want to capture the moment and share it with others.

Now, I'm not going to go around taking snapshots of people in their daily lives because that's, well, creepy. But I do think I am seriously going to get into photography and learn how to capture the scene as I see. I want to learn how to manipulate images to just the right detail or leave them naked as they are so that maybe I can let someone else in on a little secret of the universe.

So if anyone has any advice on a camera or book/instructional that would help me let me know.

love.

Someone else's moment.

2008-09-27T19:15:00.001-07:00

Man.. I wish I was this creative. Enjoy!

<3 Megan

2008-09-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

If you click here you'll be taken to a site with over fifty pictures that show a moment in time in the lives of a hundred different people over the world. There are no comments by any of the pictures in fact anything on the page is written in some completely different language but the lack of words allowed me to just see, understand and feel the many different emotions associated with any single one of these pictures.

It's a site like this where images of human suffering are so casually displayed that makes me reevaluate things in my life; reevaluate the things I take for granted like food, clean water, health care. Things given to me so freely that it is easy to forget how many people suffer. This is a break down of what the world would look like if the 6 Billion people on the earth were reduced to a mere 100 people. I know when I hear random facts and figures I can't really grasp what such a big number is, like 6 billion. It's a big number yeah, but I've never seen or counted or done 6 billion of anything; but 100, yeah I've done a hundred of a lot of things-held the door for someone, hurt someones feelings, been ungrateful, put a smile on someones face. One hundred isn't such a big number and to put things in that perspective is scary!

It makes me wish people were just nicer. Hell, it makes me wish I was nicer. At least I can do one of those two things.

This secret we keep.

2008-09-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

I was messing around with Google about a week ago and I happened to come across a reference to "Would you text your secret to a stranger?" I decided to search for that specifically and it ended up leading me to the MySpace of Frank Warren, the creator of post secret. While I was reading through his MySpace blog I was thinking about my dirty little secret-one that has been eating me up inside for years. (I'm not going to tell you what it is, because then it wouldn't really be a secret huh?) I started thinking about how freeing it would be to just tell a complete stranger.

So I told one, then two, and pretty soon I had texted about ten different people! I was absolutely intoxicated with getting this off my chest! It was great, some people sent back their own secret and others sent back words of encouragement.

But one person sent back, "wow."

Because of my own fear and stress of what people, especially my friends, would think of me if my secret got out that "wow" reaffirmed my belief that I never want to tell anyone other than a stranger my secret.

It's one thing to tell a stranger who doesn't know how big of a lie it is, but it's another to tell your family and friends because I am pretty sure it would not be something that anyone could just say "ok" to and move on. So I suppose it is going to stay my secret. Oh well.

Dragging my feet to slow the circle down

2008-08-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

This summer has been rough in a few ways, the children, the money, school and moving out have been taking a toll on my mind. It seems that children just aren't wha they use to be, every week I end up with a handfull of seriously nasty children and I can't help but think that parents really need to take a test before they go ahead and start making babies. Some of these children are just mean- they go out of their way to hurt others, physically and emotionally. They scare other children and just really seem to have some complex about being better than everyone else. And then you get the kids whose parents have them so drugged up on unnecessary adhd medicine that they walk around like zombies all day long. And it's a shame because these mean and messed up kids completely overshadow the nice, genuine kids that are really just a pleasure to have around. These mean kids make me think "birth control." Seriously.

I've been having a lot of car problems and by the end of today will have put over 800 dollars into my car in two weeks! It wouldn't seem so bad if I was still waitressing and bartending, 800 dollars is nothing then. But that is more than an entire two weeks salary at camp. I can't help but regret my decision to return to camp this year. I just can't afford living right now.

And I'm stressed out because right now I should be in Long Island looking for apartments but instead I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for my car to be done. It's just frustrating. Almost as frustrating as the whole school situation that got all fucked up and now I'm in a standstill waiting to see what is happening.

Camp isn't so horrible apart from the money aspect but it's like being on a permanent weekend when all the businesses are closed and you can't get anything done. It's near impossible to figure anything out when you are stuck in the middle of the woods.

But most of all I'm stressed because my heart is breaking for everyone around me. My best friends-who I guess I thought were too strong to let anything knock them down-seem to be breaking, and my heart is breaking with them. I feel like such an ass because all I can do is make a bad joke to get a little smile out of them. I use to be so good at giving advice and helping to find a solution but I feel like I'm tugging on a rope that isn't anchored to anything and I'm just falling. I just wish I could help them the way that they have always helped me, it makes me sad that I can't.

I don't know what else to say..
peace.

2008-06-01T01:44:00.001-07:00

Keep it real.
(thankyou)

2008-05-29T00:03:00.001-07:00

I'm also over the fact that I obviously care more about our friendship than you do, or that it means so much more to me.
I kept your letter in the pocket in my car door and when times were tough I read it just to remember that I had a friend that loved me and that wanted me in their life. It's ok that things fall apart and people drift away but at one point, that letter was the only thing keeping me afloat. Now it's just something to be recycled and you can't possibly relate to feeling like you're drowning on land.

Time is contagious everybody's getting old

2008-05-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of over this feeling sorry for myself bullshit. I walk around looking like someone just killed my dog and the world is ending. Well I'm tired of it. I identify myself as a recovering addict and let stupid decisions of my past ruin my present, and give me a bleak outlook on the future. I look for fault in any realationship I'm in, wait for the other shoe to drop because I am so convinced that I don't deserve happiness. And what did I do that was so bad? What did I do that has tainted me so much that I believe nothing good is allowed to happen in my life? Maybe I lied a little here and there. Maybe I hurt a couple feelings and was a nasty bitch from time to time. Maybe I played around with illegal substances and maybe, I lied.

Today. Right now. I don't think any of that means I'm not allowed to be happy. I don't think it means I'm not allowed to have a second chance. Whenever someone I know messes up, or acts like a bitch or is caught in a lie, I give them a second chance or a third and so on. Why is it that all the rules apply to everyone else but me? I don't think I have been gentle on myself, I don't think I've been fair to myself. And for once, I'm the most important person in my life.

So I'm going to cut the crap. Get over it. And let it be. I'm giving myself a clean slate. As of right now I have nothing to identify myself with. I'm not a recovering addict, I'm a girl that experimented with drugs and got over it. I'm not a bitch, I'm a typical girl who has had a few mood swings. I am no better than anyone else, and no one-no one-else is better than me.

It's time I started giving myself a little credit where credit is due and treat myself with the same respect I treat perfect strangers. It's time I stopped living in the past and watching it so much that the present smacks me in the face.

And I'm done.
peace.

Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old
So you can sit on chimneys
Put some fire up your ass
No need to know what you're doing or looking for
But if anyone should ask
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt
La la la la la la la

try not to screw this up again

2008-05-11T02:01:00.000-07:00

I'm really starting to think that I'm not stable. It's five in the morning, Dan has just gone home after not talking to be for the past three hours and what am I doing? I'm drinking a beer. I'm crying my eyes out and my body is shaking from the cold and from sobbing.
I don't think that I am healthy. I really think I need help, so this is my admission take it or leave it. I feel like a piece of shit, I feel broken and beaten. I feel like I just want a little love in my life, because it hurts feeling to god damn lonely.
I don't want to sleep because there is no one in the house and because I feel so broken. I want god back in my life, I don't know who abandoned who but I really want serenity in my life.

Maybe I'm just not supposed to be happy. Maybe I'm not healthy enough to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm just a fucking phony. I think I need to go somewhere no one knows me, start over, and come clean. Because these secrets are ripping me apart and I can't tell anyone because they are so set in stone, so many believe them to be my life. My LIFE. But it's all a lie. And it's too late now.

All that I do, comes back to you
So I'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
All I can do, is try not to screw this up again
And just be friends, I'd rather be dead.

we'll sit and sing a song of what we did wrong

2008-04-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

This is going to be kind of a long one and kind of a tough one. So bear with me for a moment. There are a few things on my mind that I just want to get out, so the first half is some old shit and the second is some new shit.

It seems that I cannot escape the reality that I used to be an active user and then an actively recovering addict and now I’m just Megan. Saturday night I had a table of girls and I walk up to the table and recognized someone I used to see at meetings. I said “Hi Rosy!” very excitedly-she didn’t recognize me at first which was understandable. But then she ordered a drink and my heart just sank. I couldn’t say no because one, she’s a big girl and can make her own choices and two, I’m not going to sit around refusing to serve alcohol to people-that’s not my responsibility. Well, as I was dropping off the drink she said that she remembered me. And I guess I kind of wish that she hadn’t. I think it would have made things easier.

And today I sat in history class next to this boy that I used to see at the Denville meeting (my home-group) all the time. And we were just chatting and he said that he was thinking about me the other day because the anniversary meeting was coming up for the group was coming up. I got this knot in my stomach because I was selected as one of two speakers at the last anniversary meeting. And I almost felt homesick and I almost want to go back just to say hi and be in that atmosphere again.

I feel like something is missing when I think about going to meetings. It was such a big part of my life for such a long time that it is still hard, to this day to separate myself from it when people bring up people I once knew and called my family.

I know I could go back if I wanted to, the doors are always open. But at the same time I do not think I need what they have to offer me anymore. I think I miss the 24 hour support group and I miss having people that could identify with any situation I was going through. But I do not miss the bullshit and the trash talk and the whispers behind my back that comes along with the meetings. And I do not do not do not want to see him. Never, ever, again.

And the crazy thing is that as I was driving home from class today with all of these thoughts about this old life of mine running crazy in my head-every single song that came on reminded me of him. It was either one that I heard a lot when we first got together, or one he introduced me to.

Life with him was not healthy. It was a sick and bitter relationship based on one-upping each other. I knew from the beginning that it was bad news; and I did not like me, I did not like me and him and I am pretty sure that no one else liked me and him either. And that is what it came down to. But I was blinded by something I thought was good and right and meant happiness-when it really only brought me pain in every aspect and relationship of my life.

So I know that I cannot go back there because I cannot face him. And there are people that I would love to make amends to but I am too afraid of him and what he might do to confront any of them. And that, my friend, is truly sad.
---------------------
Now for entry two
---------------------
Remember when 9.11 happened and we sat together watching in horror, or when we first began bombing the middle east and again we sat together watching the explosions through the night vision camera footage streaming in and we sat there satisfied that some action was being taken and we cheered for American justice and revenge. Then we started hunting Osama and ended up with Saddam but it was ok because it was a great evil leader and it boosted moral and it was two points for America.

America sat together as one, hand in hand watching the horrors unfold. But we were unified and we cheered on our boys overseas, we put stickers on our cars, we started organizations like adoptasoldier to make certain that none were left alone over there.
Do you know what the number six means to me? It means the number of times, in a three hour period, that 9.11 was dropped on TV last night.

But despite that sense of community and togetherness and despite how we came together to cheer on our troops and to take pride in our country the number zero represents the number of “support our troop” magnets I’ve seen in the past week. Those magnets popped up like a widespread disease and now they are gone-all of them; because America has moved on and forgotten about our boys.

9.11 is now just a term to grab attention. That date is thrown around by politicians for widespread political clout, because even though it seems like America at large has -forgotten the consequences of that date-no one wants to be that guy that is against something when that horrifying day is brought up.

I guess this is all coming up now because Kyle is being deployed again. So is James and so is my cousin Paul-and it is too much for me to handle. The war I do not agree with but I support the men and women over there doing their job-and that is what it is, a job. I don’t mind if America at large wants to say Bush is an idiot or that the war is unnecessary, because I agree whole-heartedly with that. But when these soldiers are still being sent over support, even seven years later, should still be prominent. I think it is disgusting how easily people forget and how quickly casualties turn into another tally on the score sheet of death and how easily people will pass over this number: 4,052 which represent the number of confirmed US deaths from the Iraq war alone. I don’t understand how anyone can look at that number, and then look the other way and take a magnet off their car. I just don’t understand how people could stop caring.

I have not stopped caring once, and I won’t until they all come home. Every single one of them.

2008-04-28T00:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if life is out to get me. If it is all just one big conspiracy to make a joke out of me.
I guess I just hope someone is laughing.
More tomorrow?

Lighten up

2008-04-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

So I started my second round of observations today at my very own elementary school. It was a heck of a lot of fun but it did kind of make me want to teach high school. But what I want to write about was something that my teacher said to me. I had her for the third and fifth grade so I felt comfortable with her but today she told me that she remembers me as being a solom, intense child that couldn't seem to lighten up about anything. I kind of laughed it off and said that yeah, and I haven't changed much either.

But I don't know, I thought about that all day. I mean, I know I'm sensitive and I know I keep to myself but to be told that I've always been like this? And it's funny because I ran into an old classmate maybe a month ago now who said the same thing to me! I remember being a tomboy and always thinking I was older than I was, and I remember never really being happy at any point in time, the third grade or now even... But it just doesn't sit well with me that I've always been this intense and unhappy.

I need to lighten up. Apparently I've never been able to, and I really don't think I even know how to. I try to stay out of confrontation and I try to laugh at myself but in my mind I always take it that one step foward and analyze every letter, sentence, and punctuation mark to find out what you are "really" saying to me. Haha, it can't be healthy.

But how does someone lighten up? I mean really. I get it that there is only one chance to live, only one chance to leave your mark. But I'm still beating myself up over shit that happened months or even years ago. And because I'm still kicking myself in the ass over those things, I'm trying very hard not to mess anything up anymore. And because I'm trying so hard not to mess anything up anymore, I'm not taking any risks. And without risks I don't think I'm having alot of fun, and I'm intense, and afraid to have fun and I just can't lighten up.

So this is an s.o.s to any of you readers out there.. the ones that I know and the ones that I don't. Please tell me how I can lighten up. Like the things that you know of me that you think prevent me from lightening up. The things that you think I personally need to do or could do to lighten up. Or the things you do. Because I really need some help from everyone, because I don't know how to.

Thanks guys.

sense of belonging

2008-03-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

Those of you that have known me for a long time know what this picture is. It's me being "that camper," and making a sandcastle out of lakeweed. Someone pointed out that there is no lakeweed in this picture, don't worry, it came later. Now I usually joke about this picture and making that castle because I was such a dorky camper. But really I can tell you exactly what I was feeling that day.

This was taken my first year as an older girl, I had done ENL when it was still in maple glen. I was the youngest-older-girl there. I remember that on this day we had gone to the state park and I had decided before we left, that I wasn't going to bring my bathing suit because i didn't want to have fun. I knew I wasn't going to want to participate.

I remember it was insanely hot and I was sitting by myself in the burning sand and I built this castle. Wizzy being the ever caring counselor that she was came over and played with me.

I was so freakin lame.

And so today for whatever reason I was thinking about that picture and how I didn't feel like I belonged in that program, or at camp or anywhere. And you've got to understand I was maybe 12. Those are some heavy thoughts for a 12 year old. And then I started thinking about today. And I started thinking about what I was like now, almost eight years later. And I still don't feel like I belong. And I think that is really sad.

I thought about that on the way to school today. Just driving in my car thinking about whatever-people watching. And realizing how I don't really have any friends and I don't really fit in with any group of people. All I do is work. I escape into it because it's easy to say "oh the reason I don't go to parties is because I work too much." When really-I don't have to work as much as I do. I just choose to.
I don't know.

Now on the other hand... I know who I am, I know how I react and I know to stay away from certain situations and whatnot because I will react badly.
Like A few weeks ago at work I had this rediculas melt down because I was really stressed out from getting table after table. Ok. No big deal. I was "in charge" of the other staff, making sure they did their job. Again, no big deal. But then people who tell me that they are my friends start telling me I'm doing my job wrong-that they don't agree with what I do. And you know what? Probably on any other day I wouldn't have been such a melodramatic fuck but I broke down-Dan took me outside and I lost my shit. And see here's the thing: We all react to things differently. Where someone else might curse, break something or try to bring someone down. I just cry or get sick. It's how I deal with stress.

I know I'm emotional. I know I'm sensitive and i know that, with the exception of a few people, I can give it but i can't take it. And those people know who they are and everone else i kind of just avoid confrontation with. Maybe that's why people think i'm not fun....

But anyway. So that whole thing happened maybe three weeks ago now. And you know what? people, the key people from that night, are still talking about it! it's like.. just get over it!! I'm done with it. I had moved past it. I even tried making amends to the one person I flipped out on. I apologized for being overdramatic.

And I guess it's silly or just proving their point to get emotional over being called emotional. But It just makes me want to shut down.
You know.. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not too hard to tell if I'm having a good or bad day.
And to shut down means that I'm not going to be able to have the same relationships I had with these work people.
But I almost feel like it's the only way to survive. Because you know what.. like one of the people that was talking about it still-turns around and tells me I'm one of her favorite people at work. And that's cool and all-but that's not what I call a good friend.
Good friends don't sell you out. They have your back. No matter what. End of story. If you are my friend and you want to call me out on something. Tell me. Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Don't tell the biggest asshole in the restuarant. That's bull shit.

So I feel like shutting down.
When I cant get keep from getting down
And I grow tired of hangin round
I become invisible, unlivable
Just dysfunctional
Shut down

the end.

Graduating class of 2006

2008-03-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

The graduating class of 2006. Finally done with highschool drama, crying in the girls room, running home to our parents to tattle on our class mates. Being a narc. (see that's funny because i've been accused of being a narc like seven times from highschool and still today. and it's funny because I never was. I used dope for five years and I didn't give a shit about anyone else, I didn't even care to be friends with anyone else that used. so yeah-obviously I was the narc. just wanted to get that out there.)
Well i thought that i was done with high school. but apparently no one else notices that. and i'm really getting tired of all the bullshit drama and i'm really thinking that i should reevaluate my "friends" because 1. i don't think i should be walking on eggshells around my friends. 2. im pretty sure friends aren't supposed to treat eachother the way that some of us do. And these are work friends and camp friends. but see the difference between work and camp friends is like work-it's a job, you're there for a few hours to make money and there are no rules so you have to be tough to get through.
but camp friends-these are the ones that i'm kind of disappointed in and i really dont care who that upsets. What i don't understand abotu camp friends is that we became friends because of camp. because we loved being in the woods singing songs being dirty and making a great environment for the girls to have a summer in.
But now it's gotten made into being a power-tripping environment where everyone thinks it's about them and people cant get past change and people that they don't like. and that's gross. it really is. like friday. people, myself included, went out of their way to make her feel unwelcome. and you know what? she did suck. but she had just as much right to be there as I did. i think somewhere along the line we all forgot why we work at camp, why we became friends in the first place. We all started doubting that our boss was right and started thinking that we could do it better than she could.
I'm done with it.
I'm going back to camp this year and I'm doing my job to the best of my ability. If i have to make new friends to do that i will. but I'm sick of this bullshit that's been flying around for the past eight ish months. camp used to be my favorite place and i'm not going to dread going back there because people want to act like five year olds.
So stop bringing me into your drama. As of now I've made up with everyone. I'm on good terms with everyone. and i'm not taking sides anymore i don't care who you are or how far back we go.

On a lighter note, I just got home from visiting Copper and Mac in North Carolina today. And it was really good to see them even if we didn't do much. we tried to get an ID but that fell through and since you two read this i just want you to know that that wasn't my reason for the visit i really just wanted to see two of my favorites.

anyway taco thursday has arrived. then the bar! love.

How to be happy.

2008-02-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

I think it's funny that I need to be told to think nice things about myself. Dan actually gave me a homework assignment to write down one thing I like about myself. He told me that I needed to be able to look into the mirror and not hate what I thought I saw. And you know what I heard from that whole conversation? Yeah I heard what he was saying to me, but what I really heard were my own insecurities saying that I'm a stupid child playing grown up games. In my mind I'm just not good enough for anything and I feel like I'm obligated to let other people know that I'm not good enough for them either.

They never believe me. Not ever. And then I let them down and they act suprised. I don't get it.
And then I went and told Dan what I did at the bookstore the other day-yeah I legit spent twenty minutes looking for "the book" that would make me happy. I'm lame I know. But seriously I had this hope that I would be able to find that 200 page book that would fix me. And you know what he told me then? That I was trying to find something to fix me from the outside-in when really I needed to be fixed from the inside-out.

And when he said that I felt so lost. It was just like being hit in the face with lost-ness, if that's even a word. I'm so lost in my life right now.

And I just need to get this out for any of you that remember the Pauline story-long story short she was the new girlfriend of an ex boyfriend. I had called him on his birthday and she flipped the fuck out on me and made death threats and whatnot. Fucking scary shit-went to the cops about it and everything.

Well Ms. Pauline showed up at work today and sat at the bar and had a little chat with, of all people, Dan about how there was someone that worked there that she wanted to beat the shit out of at one point, but that she was over it now. And then she started listing people who she knew that worked there.

Now.. Dan didn't find it important to tell me that there was someone there that knew me and used to have a desire to beat someone up that worked there, until we were off of work. And let me tell you-I have all this anger coming back full force.

Like, when this shit went down I was still in the program. And I HAD to get over it. Like did all this fucking step work bullshit to work through it. I guess I didn't do it right because now I am just angry. I am so angry and just fantasizing about this bitch hitting me so that I could just pound her fucking face in.
Man I am so angry.

I'm so twisted. I'm sick. I need help. I really do.
Because you know what? Now I'm on the verge of tears. Because I'm day dreaming about when I'm 21 and Dan promising to a. mix me my first legal drink and b. be there to kiss me on my 21 (and yes I understand that it is a year and a fucking half away, that just makes me all the more crazy) but I'm thinking about how tonight he told me that he would never ever serve me. And you know what I just see myself at a bar on my 21st birthday looking for a pinky promise to be kept, crying my eyes out because I'm not getting what I want.

And I'm getting upset thinking about it. Thinking about being let down.
It's not like it would be the first time.
It would just be one more time of me 1. not getting what I want and 2. being disappointed.

And I don't know why I let it affect me soo much. Really I mean you think I would learn.
And I know I'm insane and I know I need to get my shit together.
But I don't know how and I need help. I need a lot of help. How am I supposed to be happy. I'm so depressed and I think really it's a defense mechanism because you can't upset me if I'm already upset.

But guess what?
I'm tired of being such a miserable fucking human being with no concept of self worth, no self esteem, no nothing. And I'm tired of that.
I want to be a happy person but I really don't know how. I don't want to depend on anyone else to make me happy. I just want me to be happy on my own terms.
How do I make that happen?

2008-02-15T23:45:00.000-08:00

Today I'm...

Disgusted with myself for being to co-dependant and needy.
For seeing stupid chick flicks and getting myself upset.
For thinking no one will ever love me except for the fucking 45 year old man.
Cool huh?
And every thought of him makes me queezy. Every time I find something of his or that belongs to him I actually want to throw up and give myself to a hazmat team to clean. I hate it.
And i don't want to live with regrets but even writing this I has a sneer on my face.
And I can't stand it.
And I'm over him and wondering if I made the right choice.
Because I did.

But it makes me sad that no one will love me the way he did.
And really I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for commitment.
I was just kind of hoping that I could find just one person without baggage.

Just one person that actually wanted me.
Not my 19 year old body.
Not my bubbly personality.
Not my existance to help them get over someone else.

I just want someone to want me.

I guess I'm just in one of those moods again.
<3

2008-02-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

Today I am happy.

Actually happy.

Not a drug induced, co-dependant, someone made my day kind of happy.

Just happy and at peace with my life. Because I guess I'm not such a terrible person after all.

And even though I might hate myself again tomorrow, I thought it might be healthy to let someone know that for today I'm ok with myself.

The end.
<3

2007-12-27T12:34:00.000-08:00

Some days I'm a hopeless romantic. And I day dream about someone dropping all that they have just to be with me. I imagine being swept off my feet and proposed to in a movie-kind of way.

Some days I'm ok with being alone. I enjoy the freedom of not being responsible for anyone else. And I enjoy the freedom of not feeling guilty about pushing my insanity on someone else.

Some days I'm the loneliest person that's ever lived. I think of how undesireable I am. I think of all the happy couples around me and I think of how I'll never have that. On those days I usually cry. A lot.

Some days I just want to be used. I want to feel like I'm desired enough by someone to just be used for a hour or so. Because I don't think anyone will ever want me. So that hour is a decent amount of time for me.

I drive myself crazy though-I over analyze everything. I can't seem to allow myself to just let shit go long enough to be happy or look at it realistically. And I don't know why that is. I don't know why I can't just be happy on my own. This is the first day in a few weeks that I haven't been fucked up on something. And the only reason I'm not is because I can't stand the dreams I have when I'm high. I usually don't remember my dreams but since I started getting high in earnest again and since I stopped smoking-these dreams are just terrible. They are so sad. Because everything is ok in the dream and everything is perfect. And I'm happy.
But then I wake up.
And I have to cry myself to sleep. Because nothing is ok and nothing is perfect and I'm not happy.

And it's not anyones fault.
no ones.
not bush. not the guy at the gas station. not my boss at work. not the jerk at table twenty. not my best friend. not my family.
I'm just broken.

And for a while I had a band-aid on. And I was "ok." And I got awefully good at putting a smile on my face and pretending. But the band-aid fell off and the wound ripped open.
And I'm broken again.

I'm sorry this is so miserable. I don't mean to bring anyone down. It's not important anyway.

2007-12-24T10:20:00.000-08:00

ps. i'm too miserable to be allowed.

2007-12-22T08:11:00.000-08:00

So I've decided I'm the most pathetic person that's ever lived.
Reasons. . .
1. I'm so nice to everyone that all I get is walked all over. Like I'd do anything for anyone but there are very few people who would drop what they are doing to help me out. But unfortunately they all live at least two hours away most of the time. That's cool huh?
2. I'm so lonely. Deep down so very lonely. And I tell myself that I don't need a relationship to make me happy. But I keep ending up in one anyway. And I tell myself I'm ok. And I play this little game about how many people I can please in one day. And it's a fun game and I convince myself that if I people-please I'll Megan-please.
3. And about the previously mentioned relationships. . . I have the shitty-est timing for anything. I mean seriously-Ted. Pretty awesome but oh wait he was 45 with 3 kids. Yeah that was destined to fail. Matt. Haha right. I was just a piece of ass to him. I must give him credit though. I never saw it coming. Dan. Amazing? yeah. Puts up with my insanity. Is learning to understand me. But wait! Technically he's still married. And oh yeah he's moving away. See a theme? Yeah. I think God is trying to tell me something. Like "you're destined to be alone."
4. I'm just a miserable person and all I do anymore is cry.
5. I'm so lame.

whatever.

2007-12-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

So that last post about being a silly little girl with a really big heart... yeah. Turns out that's what I am. And it makes me sick. Physically sick.

It's not fair. I'm just so defeated.

Matt flew me out to vegas. I was amazed-the tickets and the room in all was $750. He told me, assured me that I didn't know how much I meant to him. How much he just wanted to see me before he left for deployment.
But he spent the whole time texting his ex. And maybe it's lame but I checked his phone. It was filled with texts about how much he loves and her misses her and how things are going to be ok. And pictures. Of her.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.
And he tells me how much he cares about me.
And he lies.
And lies.
And he fucking lies to my face.
Again.
And Again.

And I believed it. Every single word. I knew what was going on wasn't right but I believed it.

I called my brother-they're pretty tight. And he said he saw this coming, because he knew Matt wasn't over his ex. He knew that I'm a sweet girl with a really big heart and he knew that Matt was just looking for a quick fix.
Matt was planning on proposing to his ex this summer.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.

I'm so fucking dumb. I'm blind and I let this happen again and again and again. I don't fucking learn. I just get hurt.

And I'm fucking lame because I have a guy here at home that enjoys seeing me. And I love spending time with him. He's sweet. He's funny. He cares about me. Oh yeah.. he's still fucking married. I mean he has the divorce papers but seriously. I really know how to pick them. And yet I know I'll stick with him until he decides I'm not worth it too. I can see the story's end but I'm going to read it anyway.

Why do people think I'm smart and that I have answers. I can't even deal with my own shit why do people trust me with theirs?

I can't fucking stand myself.
I'm just sick of me.

Life was so much easier two years ago. When the only thing that mattered was the heroin. I'm not saying I want to go back to that. Because I don't, but that lifestyle seems to seductive right now.

I just want to be numb.

I'm just a silly little girl with a really big heart.

2007-11-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

I think the hardest thing about life is caring about other people, because it's tearing me up inside.

Recap-
My brother just got home from Iraq a week or so ago. I was just able to stop worrying. But now Matt who is just the most amazing person I've ever met, is being deployed on the 18th. It's like I was able to take a deep breath. Just one, and now my chest is constricting again. And it's getting really hard to breath. And like... I'd do a heck of a lot for this kid. And he came up for the weekend and it was really very nice but it's the last time I'll get to see him. For more than eight months. And that's a long time. And I've said that I would wait for him and he told me he'd never ask me to do that. So because I'm a glutton for punishment I asked if he would even consider having anything with me when he got back. And I got the answer I knew I'd get that-eight months is a long time. And things change in eight months. And it's still early.

And I knew I was going to hear that. But it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I've thought of this guy for more than two years just waiting for an opportunity to be with him. But of course my timing sucks. And of course it's just crazy of me to expect anything.

And I know this. But my chest is still crushing in on my lungs and my heart might explode. And there is no oxygen getting to my brain and I'm just so sad.

I miss hickory hill and making a best friend who after one night was there is sit with me as I cried.

And I'm really just a silly little girl with a really big heart.

And I'm pretty sure that heart is going to shatter.

2007-10-12T12:16:00.000-07:00

Shine your light down on me,
lift me up so I can see.
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on.

Sometimes those lyrics are all that can get me through the day.
Eric Roppenecker 10/11/2006.. imissyou.

2007-10-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

Man I don't know when i've ever been so fucking miserable. I'm lonely. All of my friends are hours away, and the friends that I have here, all three of them, just blow me off. Like I'll call and text and flat out say I'm lonely and they just disappear. And it hurts. And the person I want to be with, wants to be with me but he's "confused" and "doesn't want to hurt me." And that just hurts more.
I just want to feel wanted. And I know people care but it's really hard to be all the way over here when all the people I care about are all the way over there with new friends and going out and doing things.
All I do is lay in my fucking bed depressed as hell and my heart aches and my stomache hurts and I just want a friend and i just want to be needed.
I'm just so miserable and it just hurts so much.

Can't sleep

2007-09-13T22:52:00.001-07:00

So when I get excited I can't sleep. And when I can't sleep I start having these awful daydreams about my family dieing and how I could possibly deal with that. It's fucking morbid and I hate it. I think something is wrong with me.

But tonight, in addition to thinking about my families untimely deaths I've been thinking about Ted again. I've been thinking about if I made the wrong decision, and if I will in fact ever find someone that loves me as much as he does. What if I don't? What if I just tossed away my "soul mate"? I don't know what to do. I love him so much and it kills me to be tearing him apart like this. He's cried to me, actually cried and I just can't comprehend that I could possibly mean so much to anyone.

I always did the 19 year old girl routine while we were dating-saying I love you and, I want to marry you and, I only want to spend the rest of my life with you. But like as time went by I decided that as much as I love this man, he isn't the kind of guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I think... that might have been a bad decision. I don't know. Maybe I'm just experiencing an emotional hangover. But god I miss him so much. And I'm just not sure of anything right now.

Dealing with this makes me just not want to function like a normal human. I feel myself slipping into the mindset I had when I was still using heroin. I just want to hurt myself. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm just obsessed with thoughts of Ted. I just want to know if I made the right choice you know? I want to know if I was right for leaving for the reasons I did.

But if I was right, why do I still think about him so much? Why do I take his calls, and text him when he asks me to, and visit when he asks me to? Why do I still tell him that I love him, but I wish it could be easier?

I just want to know if I made the right choice for me and all the things that I get for not being with him. Or if maybe I just walked away from the greatest thing there ever was.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with a 45 year old guy. I wasn't supposed to be a drug addict. I wasn't supposed to be a 19 year old girl with no control over her life.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

2007-09-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Alright so time for an update.

So I decided to go to a meeting tonight and it was hard. Like very painful for me and very confusing. I got to the meeting and announced that I was "coming back" and got a lot of hugs from all of my friends which was nice. I shared about how I just wasn't so sure anymore if this was right for me. I felt so uncomfortable like, on the verge of a panic attack because you see, this meeting is my home group but it is also Ted's home group so I basically spent the whole time looking over my shoulder everytime someone opened the door. I also felt vey uncomfortable because Mike, who is Ted's best friend, and who has always been friendly towards me, didn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. It was very awkward and I felt like a stupid little kid who was doing something wrong. So I guess basically I don't know if I'm going to be going back tomorrow or next monday. This is something I feel unsure of about because like I said, I don't know if this is really what I need, and I'd rather work out my misery and keep drinking than go back to what I know and just be paranoid and end up being the cause of drama when I do see Ted again. I really wish I could just talk to him and see how he was doing. I miss my best friend you know?

But on a lighter note my weekend was great. I spent some quality time with my dad and the deleware river for an overnight. We stopped along the way at tri-state monument somewhere a little past Milford beach I think. It's the one place where New York, Pennsylvania and New Jersey all meet. So yeah basically I was in three places at once.

so here's me at tri state monument.. attractive huh?

Later that night my dad and I just hung out. I took a nap because the river sucks all my energy right out of me. But I woke up to a thunderstorm and it was POURING! But we still made dinner. IN A DUTCH OVEN! And it was probably the best stew I ever had. See CLHH taught me something alright.

Me and my dad with our kick-ass tripod for our dutch oven. I took like two hours to cook but it was AMAZING!

So I got home and blah-de-blah-blah and I'm just astounded with the drama that still infilrates my life even though I'm 19 and so very done with highschool.

Alright, I guess one more area to talk about because it's important to me at least. I'm kind of afraid that I might just be becoming a little tramp. Haha no joke! So an ex of mine, from like two years ago, and I have been talking and we are going to hang out on Thursday. I asked what are we going to do and he said 'naughty things.' Now I asked all the right questions like 'am i just a piece of ass.' and he said no, but really other than that I don't really have any reserves about screwing him and then the next day having my 'doctor friend' up for a visit and having you know... a physical. :) does this make me a tramp? Oh man I don't even know... I don't think I'm getting myself into any bad situations but I don't know if I'm going down a path I'm not sure I want to go down.

I guess we'll see where it goes.

Anyway. I need to get to sleep. It's great to have Mondays off but that means I need to wake up and go to class on Tuesday so I'd better get to bed because I'm fading fast.

lots of love.

always.

meg.

I don't know about today but maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

2007-09-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

So I figured I would try out a different blog because my other one has been invaded by campers. I'm hoping they don't find this one. Who knows if anyone will read this anyway. But I've just got to write and pretend that maybe someone might read this and pretend that maybe someone cares because I'm kind of just a mess right now.
I gave up my sobriety. A year and four months of it. And I was happy. But now I'm not so sure if I made the right choice. Maybe it's just because so much is going on and so much has changed since my little vacation at camp. I'm OK with my choice because I want to be normal and do things normal kids my age do-drink with friends, go to parties, hang out with people who are drinking even if I'm not. I like not feeling like there is something wrong with me.
But at the same time I think this might be a problem. I'm so torn in my own head because I still don't know what's real anymore and if I just think I have a problem because I did some drugs and went to meetings for so long that I just ended up brainwashed into believing that yeah I'm an addict. I don't know if I can do the social drinking, I was having such and episode yesterday that I actually had to pour myself a drink to calm down. That is not fucking normal.
I'm hurting so much because I came back from camp and now I don't have my boyfriend, I'm not going to meetings; I'm just burying myself in school work and trying to find a job as a waitress because I know that if I can just keep myself busy enough I can isolate and forget all my problems and convince myself that I, in fact, don't have any problems at all.
I don't know if I'm an addict. I guess I never worked a first step well enough. Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac and assume I have problems. I was even accused once of not being a true recovering addict and that I was just playing a role to fit in somewhere. I don't know about that but what if that's really what I've been doing for the past year and a half?
I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask for help. I'm afraid to keep living the way I'm living. I'm afraid this will escalate into more even though I don't ever want to do dope again. And I've got these things called pride and ego that won't allow me to get help again if it was offered. I'm just so messed up and hurt and lost and confused.

always.
meg