sprinkled with mania

This right here is a good place. 

My mind and soul are peaceful.

My mouth is sore from smiling, my voice hoarse from laughing. My favorite ailments any day.

I'm doing just fine these days. 

It's a wild peace, abnormal in nature. Who can honestly feel as content as I do, as roll off the shoulder as I do, as happy as I do...when you remember everything else. 

School is exhausting and I'm killing myself to keep up.

Mom finished chemo and is preparing for surgery in a few weeks.

It all just piles up.

I think back to when I was freshly done with high school and how serious I was. 

Because I was an adult now.

I had to be serious.

I wasted a lot of time being serious. 

Today, those "serious topics" wouldn't garner my attention.

I don't have time for that drama.

I suppose that's called growing up. 

I am living the dream.

Living life to the fullest - not sweating the small stuff - keeping the faith - this too shall pass 

You can see where this is going.

It may just be a little sprinkle of mania.

But this right here is a good place. 

Generally I find it difficult to put thoughts into words. I irritate myself when I stutter and stumble over my tongue in a rush to make sense of the jumble in my head. The feelings and emotions are so strong and primal that nothing can come close to being a definition. I'm sure many can understand that feeling whether being put on the spot or in an argument and afterwards the perfect thing to say, the perfect turn of phrase is illuminated in the mind and you kick yourself for not being clever enough at the time to say it in the moment. Because the moment is gone and it's not coming back, but you hold onto that witty remark hoping to put it to use as something so clever and true should never die.

I've had 14 days now of nothing to do. School let out for the semester and I'm only working on the weekends. I'm losing my mind. I should go to the gym-but who actually wants to do that. I should work on the quilts for the babies-I'm a failure at sewing. I should spend quality time with the man-yeah maybe if he would finally get his shit together and stop being a deadbeat. I'd like to give myself a pat on the back for being as patient and understanding as I have been for the past month it's quite unlike me to tolerate the lackadaisical approach he's had towards daily life, our relationship, his future. I mean it's no skin off my back if he doesn't amount to anything. But I hate putting in that time into something so pathetic. Shit I'd rather be studying.

And considering I spent the last 4 months with my nose in a book for at least 4 hours a day (excluding Sundays, it is a day of rest after all) that's a pretty sorry state of affairs. But I will say, nursing school has been something else. While speaking with a friend the other night he told me how admirable it was that I was thinking about working in a trauma center when school is (finally) done. He confessed to not being able to stand the sight of blood other than his own and wouldn't have a clue how to react if he saw bone. I'll tell ya, you get used to it. Shrug it off. Compare it on the grossness scale to the last one you saw. Very importantly learn how to breath. I'd rather be studying because it was productive, an active contribution to society, hell I might just go ahead and change the world some day. A very intoxicating state of affairs when compared to someone bitching about how mommy and daddy owe them this or that.

I hate to be a downer but I'd rather feel eloquent here (who reads this anyway?) than stutter along in the real world waiting for that perfect moment to drop the one phrase I've practiced in front of the mirror 6 times with nothing to back it up without proper preparation. Hell at least I dropped an SAT word or two.

Following this recent "breakup" I find myself wondering if I'm so sure I didn't want him, what do I want.

• Become an RN and work for a traveling nurse company
• Live in at least ten different states
• Find my missing piece, feel excitement and challenge. Someone willing to do anything and everything, anticipates my wants and needs
• Become this strong, courageous, beautiful women
  
• Change a life
• Save a life
  

I don't really believe any of these things are unrealistic. I want someone who is on my level .

He is great. We think a lot alike saying/thinking the same things all the time and really he is just sweet as pie. But something is missing or somehow he doesn't fit quite right. But he is comfortable and I know the stability he would offer.

So what's the trade off? Should I sit around through some inner misery guided turmoil figuring I'll eventually settle because I gave up on my goals? Because let's be serious, how many faithful guys are going to be cool with their girl going to different states every eight weeks? Or should I do what I did and cut the cord so no one gets hurt worse later on down the line? Aren't I just a scum bag even attempting a relationship before completing my dreams? Failure to complete them will only result in resentment down the road coupled with a sense of dissatisfaction concerning my accomplishments in life.

I'm just uncertain with what to do, it's a catch twenty-two if you will. My sense of honesty and my endless concern for how the feelings of everyone else are don't allow me to lead people on. But my determination to realize my goals prevents me from willingly entering a relationship with a hope of longevity.

Is it worth it?

Hate

I'm so filled with hate and disappointment now. These are really hard emotions for me, especially hate. I'm the girl that apologized when I was cheated on, tried to make an abusive relationship work; I'm the girl that forgives everyone. I try to make all of my relationships work out and last, I try to make everyone involved happy but it seems that it's just not meant to be. I haven't spoken to my brother or he hasn't spoken to me, take your pick, since Christmas when I texted him. Things are just so terrible between us. Between my brother and myself, between someone who at one point I considered my best friend. His wife just hates me, for lack of understanding of the inner workings of her psychotic mind, so he finds it simpler to ignore the situation (or just ignore me) than deal with going against her I guess.

But they're building a fucking house together and she writes on his wall about moving past all the negativity in their life and build upon their family together, just the two of them.

And it just hurts so fucking much. It hurts. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about missing out on my brother's life. Just as how not a single day goes by that I don't daydream about bashing her face into the wall. What she has done to me, my family, my brother-everything she has done is just unforgivable. She will never be welcomed where I am, and I hope one day she understands the gravity of what she has done and I hope she falls down having collapsed under the weight of my broken family and my broken heart. I hope she knows that she made me hate her. I hope she understands one day that when I asked about reaching out to her it wasn't with malicious intent but it was with a desire to include her into my family. I hope she regrets what she has done.

And I hope that he can comprehend the severity of his indifference. Because now instead of just frustration, hurt feelings and incredibility at the whole situation, I'm carrying around hate. And it just weighs so heavily on me that I don't feel as if I can reach out to my brother out of fear of her intervention. I don't even feel as if I want to reach out to him anymore. He took a good thing, the love of his family and threw it away as unimportant and insignificant. I suppose I should have figured looking back at the trend of our relationship and how I was never anyone he spent time with unless he was single or heartbroken. What was I doing thinking that we could possibly continue any semblance of a relationship once he got married.

It just hurts so much and I don't want to be ugly but I can find no happiness to wish towards either of them, no forgiveness to offer and no desire to let him (or her, clearly) anywhere near my personal life again. Isn't that sad?

I'm super women. I cannot be hurt. My heart has been shattered too many times to be effected by kind or hurtful words. But I want a chance. So give me a chance and open up. If it falls apart I'll take it like a champ. No worries. I am super women.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

You should all go watch this, I couldn't stop smiling.

I'm happy.
I'm going to continue to be happy.
No one is going to take that away from me.


I won't let them.