Can't sleep

So when I get excited I can't sleep. And when I can't sleep I start having these awful daydreams about my family dieing and how I could possibly deal with that. It's fucking morbid and I hate it. I think something is wrong with me.

But tonight, in addition to thinking about my families untimely deaths I've been thinking about Ted again. I've been thinking about if I made the wrong decision, and if I will in fact ever find someone that loves me as much as he does. What if I don't? What if I just tossed away my "soul mate"? I don't know what to do. I love him so much and it kills me to be tearing him apart like this. He's cried to me, actually cried and I just can't comprehend that I could possibly mean so much to anyone.

I always did the 19 year old girl routine while we were dating-saying I love you and, I want to marry you and, I only want to spend the rest of my life with you. But like as time went by I decided that as much as I love this man, he isn't the kind of guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I think... that might have been a bad decision. I don't know. Maybe I'm just experiencing an emotional hangover. But god I miss him so much. And I'm just not sure of anything right now.

Dealing with this makes me just not want to function like a normal human. I feel myself slipping into the mindset I had when I was still using heroin. I just want to hurt myself. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm just obsessed with thoughts of Ted. I just want to know if I made the right choice you know? I want to know if I was right for leaving for the reasons I did.

But if I was right, why do I still think about him so much? Why do I take his calls, and text him when he asks me to, and visit when he asks me to? Why do I still tell him that I love him, but I wish it could be easier?

I just want to know if I made the right choice for me and all the things that I get for not being with him. Or if maybe I just walked away from the greatest thing there ever was.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with a 45 year old guy. I wasn't supposed to be a drug addict. I wasn't supposed to be a 19 year old girl with no control over her life.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Alright so time for an update.

So I decided to go to a meeting tonight and it was hard. Like very painful for me and very confusing. I got to the meeting and announced that I was "coming back" and got a lot of hugs from all of my friends which was nice. I shared about how I just wasn't so sure anymore if this was right for me. I felt so uncomfortable like, on the verge of a panic attack because you see, this meeting is my home group but it is also Ted's home group so I basically spent the whole time looking over my shoulder everytime someone opened the door. I also felt vey uncomfortable because Mike, who is Ted's best friend, and who has always been friendly towards me, didn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. It was very awkward and I felt like a stupid little kid who was doing something wrong. So I guess basically I don't know if I'm going to be going back tomorrow or next monday. This is something I feel unsure of about because like I said, I don't know if this is really what I need, and I'd rather work out my misery and keep drinking than go back to what I know and just be paranoid and end up being the cause of drama when I do see Ted again. I really wish I could just talk to him and see how he was doing. I miss my best friend you know?

But on a lighter note my weekend was great. I spent some quality time with my dad and the deleware river for an overnight. We stopped along the way at tri-state monument somewhere a little past Milford beach I think. It's the one place where New York, Pennsylvania and New Jersey all meet. So yeah basically I was in three places at once.

so here's me at tri state monument.. attractive huh?

Later that night my dad and I just hung out. I took a nap because the river sucks all my energy right out of me. But I woke up to a thunderstorm and it was POURING! But we still made dinner. IN A DUTCH OVEN! And it was probably the best stew I ever had. See CLHH taught me something alright.

Me and my dad with our kick-ass tripod for our dutch oven. I took like two hours to cook but it was AMAZING!

So I got home and blah-de-blah-blah and I'm just astounded with the drama that still infilrates my life even though I'm 19 and so very done with highschool.

Alright, I guess one more area to talk about because it's important to me at least. I'm kind of afraid that I might just be becoming a little tramp. Haha no joke! So an ex of mine, from like two years ago, and I have been talking and we are going to hang out on Thursday. I asked what are we going to do and he said 'naughty things.' Now I asked all the right questions like 'am i just a piece of ass.' and he said no, but really other than that I don't really have any reserves about screwing him and then the next day having my 'doctor friend' up for a visit and having you know... a physical. :) does this make me a tramp? Oh man I don't even know... I don't think I'm getting myself into any bad situations but I don't know if I'm going down a path I'm not sure I want to go down.

I guess we'll see where it goes.

Anyway. I need to get to sleep. It's great to have Mondays off but that means I need to wake up and go to class on Tuesday so I'd better get to bed because I'm fading fast.

lots of love.

always.

meg.

I don't know about today but maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

So I figured I would try out a different blog because my other one has been invaded by campers. I'm hoping they don't find this one. Who knows if anyone will read this anyway. But I've just got to write and pretend that maybe someone might read this and pretend that maybe someone cares because I'm kind of just a mess right now.
I gave up my sobriety. A year and four months of it. And I was happy. But now I'm not so sure if I made the right choice. Maybe it's just because so much is going on and so much has changed since my little vacation at camp. I'm OK with my choice because I want to be normal and do things normal kids my age do-drink with friends, go to parties, hang out with people who are drinking even if I'm not. I like not feeling like there is something wrong with me.
But at the same time I think this might be a problem. I'm so torn in my own head because I still don't know what's real anymore and if I just think I have a problem because I did some drugs and went to meetings for so long that I just ended up brainwashed into believing that yeah I'm an addict. I don't know if I can do the social drinking, I was having such and episode yesterday that I actually had to pour myself a drink to calm down. That is not fucking normal.
I'm hurting so much because I came back from camp and now I don't have my boyfriend, I'm not going to meetings; I'm just burying myself in school work and trying to find a job as a waitress because I know that if I can just keep myself busy enough I can isolate and forget all my problems and convince myself that I, in fact, don't have any problems at all.
I don't know if I'm an addict. I guess I never worked a first step well enough. Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac and assume I have problems. I was even accused once of not being a true recovering addict and that I was just playing a role to fit in somewhere. I don't know about that but what if that's really what I've been doing for the past year and a half?
I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask for help. I'm afraid to keep living the way I'm living. I'm afraid this will escalate into more even though I don't ever want to do dope again. And I've got these things called pride and ego that won't allow me to get help again if it was offered. I'm just so messed up and hurt and lost and confused.

always.
meg