sprinkled with mania

This right here is a good place. 

My mind and soul are peaceful.

My mouth is sore from smiling, my voice hoarse from laughing. My favorite ailments any day.

I'm doing just fine these days. 

It's a wild peace, abnormal in nature. Who can honestly feel as content as I do, as roll off the shoulder as I do, as happy as I do...when you remember everything else. 

School is exhausting and I'm killing myself to keep up.

Mom finished chemo and is preparing for surgery in a few weeks.

It all just piles up.

I think back to when I was freshly done with high school and how serious I was. 

Because I was an adult now.

I had to be serious.

I wasted a lot of time being serious. 

Today, those "serious topics" wouldn't garner my attention.

I don't have time for that drama.

I suppose that's called growing up. 

I am living the dream.

Living life to the fullest - not sweating the small stuff - keeping the faith - this too shall pass 

You can see where this is going.

It may just be a little sprinkle of mania.

But this right here is a good place. 

Generally I find it difficult to put thoughts into words. I irritate myself when I stutter and stumble over my tongue in a rush to make sense of the jumble in my head. The feelings and emotions are so strong and primal that nothing can come close to being a definition. I'm sure many can understand that feeling whether being put on the spot or in an argument and afterwards the perfect thing to say, the perfect turn of phrase is illuminated in the mind and you kick yourself for not being clever enough at the time to say it in the moment. Because the moment is gone and it's not coming back, but you hold onto that witty remark hoping to put it to use as something so clever and true should never die.

I've had 14 days now of nothing to do. School let out for the semester and I'm only working on the weekends. I'm losing my mind. I should go to the gym-but who actually wants to do that. I should work on the quilts for the babies-I'm a failure at sewing. I should spend quality time with the man-yeah maybe if he would finally get his shit together and stop being a deadbeat. I'd like to give myself a pat on the back for being as patient and understanding as I have been for the past month it's quite unlike me to tolerate the lackadaisical approach he's had towards daily life, our relationship, his future. I mean it's no skin off my back if he doesn't amount to anything. But I hate putting in that time into something so pathetic. Shit I'd rather be studying.

And considering I spent the last 4 months with my nose in a book for at least 4 hours a day (excluding Sundays, it is a day of rest after all) that's a pretty sorry state of affairs. But I will say, nursing school has been something else. While speaking with a friend the other night he told me how admirable it was that I was thinking about working in a trauma center when school is (finally) done. He confessed to not being able to stand the sight of blood other than his own and wouldn't have a clue how to react if he saw bone. I'll tell ya, you get used to it. Shrug it off. Compare it on the grossness scale to the last one you saw. Very importantly learn how to breath. I'd rather be studying because it was productive, an active contribution to society, hell I might just go ahead and change the world some day. A very intoxicating state of affairs when compared to someone bitching about how mommy and daddy owe them this or that.

I hate to be a downer but I'd rather feel eloquent here (who reads this anyway?) than stutter along in the real world waiting for that perfect moment to drop the one phrase I've practiced in front of the mirror 6 times with nothing to back it up without proper preparation. Hell at least I dropped an SAT word or two.

Following this recent "breakup" I find myself wondering if I'm so sure I didn't want him, what do I want.

• Become an RN and work for a traveling nurse company
• Live in at least ten different states
• Find my missing piece, feel excitement and challenge. Someone willing to do anything and everything, anticipates my wants and needs
• Become this strong, courageous, beautiful women
  
• Change a life
• Save a life
  

I don't really believe any of these things are unrealistic. I want someone who is on my level .

He is great. We think a lot alike saying/thinking the same things all the time and really he is just sweet as pie. But something is missing or somehow he doesn't fit quite right. But he is comfortable and I know the stability he would offer.

So what's the trade off? Should I sit around through some inner misery guided turmoil figuring I'll eventually settle because I gave up on my goals? Because let's be serious, how many faithful guys are going to be cool with their girl going to different states every eight weeks? Or should I do what I did and cut the cord so no one gets hurt worse later on down the line? Aren't I just a scum bag even attempting a relationship before completing my dreams? Failure to complete them will only result in resentment down the road coupled with a sense of dissatisfaction concerning my accomplishments in life.

I'm just uncertain with what to do, it's a catch twenty-two if you will. My sense of honesty and my endless concern for how the feelings of everyone else are don't allow me to lead people on. But my determination to realize my goals prevents me from willingly entering a relationship with a hope of longevity.

Is it worth it?

Hate

I'm so filled with hate and disappointment now. These are really hard emotions for me, especially hate. I'm the girl that apologized when I was cheated on, tried to make an abusive relationship work; I'm the girl that forgives everyone. I try to make all of my relationships work out and last, I try to make everyone involved happy but it seems that it's just not meant to be. I haven't spoken to my brother or he hasn't spoken to me, take your pick, since Christmas when I texted him. Things are just so terrible between us. Between my brother and myself, between someone who at one point I considered my best friend. His wife just hates me, for lack of understanding of the inner workings of her psychotic mind, so he finds it simpler to ignore the situation (or just ignore me) than deal with going against her I guess.

But they're building a fucking house together and she writes on his wall about moving past all the negativity in their life and build upon their family together, just the two of them.

And it just hurts so fucking much. It hurts. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about missing out on my brother's life. Just as how not a single day goes by that I don't daydream about bashing her face into the wall. What she has done to me, my family, my brother-everything she has done is just unforgivable. She will never be welcomed where I am, and I hope one day she understands the gravity of what she has done and I hope she falls down having collapsed under the weight of my broken family and my broken heart. I hope she knows that she made me hate her. I hope she understands one day that when I asked about reaching out to her it wasn't with malicious intent but it was with a desire to include her into my family. I hope she regrets what she has done.

And I hope that he can comprehend the severity of his indifference. Because now instead of just frustration, hurt feelings and incredibility at the whole situation, I'm carrying around hate. And it just weighs so heavily on me that I don't feel as if I can reach out to my brother out of fear of her intervention. I don't even feel as if I want to reach out to him anymore. He took a good thing, the love of his family and threw it away as unimportant and insignificant. I suppose I should have figured looking back at the trend of our relationship and how I was never anyone he spent time with unless he was single or heartbroken. What was I doing thinking that we could possibly continue any semblance of a relationship once he got married.

It just hurts so much and I don't want to be ugly but I can find no happiness to wish towards either of them, no forgiveness to offer and no desire to let him (or her, clearly) anywhere near my personal life again. Isn't that sad?

I'm super women. I cannot be hurt. My heart has been shattered too many times to be effected by kind or hurtful words. But I want a chance. So give me a chance and open up. If it falls apart I'll take it like a champ. No worries. I am super women.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

You should all go watch this, I couldn't stop smiling.

I'm happy.
I'm going to continue to be happy.
No one is going to take that away from me.


I won't let them.

Can we just talk about my night?

I'm not saying that the sun shines out my ass or that I am the greatest waitress that ever lived but I generally try to make it a rule that I greet every table like an old friend that I've been dying to see and I keep that vibe up throughout their meal. But sometimes it just isn't enough.

The dinner shift started at six o'clock for me, a little busy because we were raising money for a group called the eleventh hour rescue. Good business for me good deed for a good cause. As dinner slows down the restaurant empties out minus the bar. My station tonight was above the bar and people get confused and think they are one in the same so I come out to my tables to see three guys there hanging out with full drinks that they've already paid for at the bar. It happens all the time but it always irks me. These tables are my section my business and my money, if you want drinks from the bar hang out at the bar. I head over to introduce myself and let the guys know that if they need anything I'll be hanging around and happy to help.

Then the "snapping" begins and man do I love that snapping. (Do I look like a dog?) "When you have a minute" they say. So I greet another table and head on over to them and they are just cracking up. "Take a whiff of this guys fart and can you bring us two more beers."

What? Take a whiff of his fart?

This stink was toxic. I mean eyes watering, taking a step back and trying not to cough. I nod and give a little smile and back off to get their drinks and hopefully let the stench dissipate a bit. I come back with their drinks and they are still laughing, the guy let another one go! I just couldn't believe it. And they are trying to get me to hang around so I can smell it. Fuck that.

I'm totally turned off by these guys now. I'm not a guy, I'm not your buddy and you guys are like forty plus. I was perfectly polite the rest of the night but believe me they were not people I waited all day to see. So the snapping continues for a few hours along with me just being polite until finally they want the bill. Thank god.

Ten minutes later the boys decide that they want bloody mary's. Hot. With Worcestershire (Sorry we don't have that) horseradish (sorry we don't have that either) Tabasco (sorry..) How do you not have tabasco?? (I'm sorry, haha, they don't consult me when they get rid of things like that *joking*)

Enter the 180 turn around.

"Don't give me that attitude! Fuck you, fuck this place, I'm from Indiana. Everyone here is so damn rude!"

What? Boss man we have a problem.

So my boss heads over to the table to try and talk to these guys down and they flip out on him. He told them they could leave whenever they were ready and that he would see them to the door personally.

That was an awesome tip.

So that was the start of a night that ended with a girl, who all I had said to was "Hi my name is Megan," telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday and saw him with a new girl today-that conversation went on for ten minutes. Finished by a 37ish year old man out of town on business looking for insight on why his wife dresses to impress while he is out of town.

Do I have psychologist written on my face? Is it a full moon?

Tonight was the most ridiculous night in a long time, I'm glad it's over.

Last night around 230 a bunch of us from work hung out after closing and had a couple beers and talked about this and that. The topic came up about prom and when you're from Jersey prom means the jersey shor.e. I mentioned that after my own prom I didn't go down the shore because no one had invited me to join them. I told them how I, in fact, haven't been down the shore since elementary school when I went with my family because, again, no one has ever invited me. Since my friends are jersey born and raised this was of course met with gasps of disbelief and my buddy telling my that was it and that I was going down the shore with him this coming summer.

It makes me happy now that I have some good friends at work that actually want to spend time with me. At the same time however, it makes me sad for my childhood; the child that was left out , the child who for a long time only found friend in stories and cartoons. I just wonder how things would be different. Maybe I would be open to more relationships with people today instead of being such an awkward adult.

This is a picture from the last party I was invited to. It's somewhere around the third or forth grade. I found it on facebook today and it made me awfully sad.

I don't get my hopes up anymore. Promises of things to do, days to come, happiness, fulfillment, love-whatever it is it's just a disappointment. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm tired of being so open and loving towards the people in my life because it always comes around to just kick me in the gut when I'm down, right after I've just given a little too much of myself to take back. So no more expectations unless low. No more giving of myself so freely. I'm running out of things to give and I am just so tired.

breath.

I don't take compliments very well. I don't need to be told I'm a good person, friend, girlfriend, daughter etc. I think that deep down I know these things. Like I know that if my friends need me that I'll be there at three in the morning for them. I know that I respect the people in my life to the fullest I am able to. I know that I put everyone before myself.

I think I get so down on myself because I am so willing to do the right thing and be the best type of person I can be; the problem comes in when I just can't be there to do the right thing or I decide that for once I'm going to put myself and my needs before those of someone else. I always feel uncomfortable doing so, like I'm being selfish. And that mentality eats at me and I think that I'm just not doing right by the people in my life. I beat myself down so much that I start thinking I'm a shitty person.

This past month most of what I have done has been for me. In the process I have pushed people away because they have drama and they don't want to hear my solution and I just can't bring myself to listen to them bitching or even venting because they just don't want the help and advice I have to offer.

I've had a handful of low moments in the past weeks-missing my life, missing my ex, missing my friends; I've also had plenty of happy moments where I'm running or doing yoga, writing or reading where I just feel at peace because I'm doing something for myself. I've been putting myself first.

It's a struggle because it goes against my nature to put everyone else second but I think I've finally reached a healthy place.

I've always wanted to be like my Aunt Mare. She is such a strong women that has always been there for our family in times of crisis. When I was younger she was there to listen to my lame teenage woes. It's just how she is. But I am beginning to realize that Aunt Mare puts her needs, responsibilities and herself first. She always makes sure that her life is at the proper place to walk away from before she goes off and helps people.

That's not to say that in times of crisis she won't drop everything she is doing to help out but she seems to have found a balance where she is bettering herself and making her own life work while still enriching the lives of those around her.

I'm finding my balance. And even though situations and feelings like to get in the way I'm starting to be happy and satisfied with my life as it is. We all have setbacks. Plans that don't work out. People that just aren't supposed to be in our lives the way we want them to. I'm learning how to deal with all that and still keep smiling.

And just for today I am happy.

No matter where you go you take yourself with you.

It's a hard concept, no matter where you go you take yourself with you. I feel like I've been running for the past couple years. Running from bad decisions, lost memories, terrible relationship after terrible relationship, my thoughts, my actions-whatever else. I've been running; each time I stopped for a breath a new place I felt energized and ready to start something new. Each time life and my relationships started solid and people thought I was great and people wanted to chill with me and get to know me. But just like after a run, every single time I got tired and worn down. When you're running you don't think. When you're running you just go, left right left right in out in out: pace yourself. When you stop running and the energy wears off for the day everything has time to catch up to you and take it's toll on you because you're too tired to fight back and it yells at you for trying to get away and you can't escape again until you run again.

Every time I've stopped running life has caught up to me. It sees me for who I am regardless of the color I dye my hair, or piercings, or tattoos, or diets, friends, habits, fads....
No matter where you go you take yourself with you. Even I can't escape that.

Beautiful sunset for you all

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I miss this. . It's a look I got often.




The past week has been different than any in the past two years. It's not that I dont feel ok with my decisions it's just that it's strange to me that I check my phone still every twenty minutes and there is never a text waiting for me. I wonder if it's strange for him too. Walking away from the biggest part of my life was heartbreaking. I did what was right for me though and I need to respect myself and my decision if I'm going to grow in the way I want and need to.

I've been escaping lately into my work, or solitude, or drinking, or sleep. Collectively they bring me money, recognition, promotion, thinking time, head aches, peace, nightmares, and above all escape. I'm exhausted, I have nothing left to give to anyone. I am empty and tired of trying to fill up that emptiness with people and things. I'm just tired and done.

Past experience has shown me that distancing myself from a situation brings clarity. Camp three years ago gave me the space I needed to re-evaluate my relationship with Ted and to come to the conclusion that it was a pretty shitty situation that I needed to get out of. Camp this year showed me that I did not want to live in Long Island, that in fact it brought me a heavy cover of depression which I associated not only with the place but with Dan who was at the core of my life there. In the two weeks since I have returned home I have felt greater inner peace I attributed to being away from a place and situation but lately the depression has settled back over my life and I spend most of my day missing the one person that has brought me the greatest happiness and comfort for the past two years that I have ever had.

I was so desperate to be happy that I decided that everything about Long Island had to go. Now I am wondering why I ever wanted to break up with Dan. I think the reason was in the place, my attitude towards everything changed when I was there and I made it impossible to be happy with anything. But for the past two weeks I have fallen asleep waiting for him to come home and crawl into bed with me. Having him be the last person I talk to before I fall asleep is very comforting but only a consolation to the real thing.

I keep wishing for him to move back out here because I believe that we could have a real chance at something permanent in a place that is safe for myself. But I am terrified that I won't be satisfied with anything. I'm afraid that he won't be enough to keep me happy or content with life. I am afriad that I will grow up to be a miserable person who breaks down, who isn't satisfied, who lets depression rip apart my family. I don't want to bring that into his life because he means that much. I'm overwhelmed by how important he is to me. I feel like it must be too soon in my life, that it could never work, but at the same time I miss him every single day and things are just better when he is around. Is that insane? I want a magic eight ball to tell me what to do because I am just weighed down by all of the options.

I am a wretched cunt rag.

I am a wretched cunt rag. the way I treat Dan is not only disrespectful it's mean and wrong. I am so rude to him that all I end up doing is picking fights that I really don't mean to. It's not like I want to fight to get out anger-I can go for a run for that; I just don't know why I'm so mean to him I'm just so damn tired of being sad. But I think not being able to express what's wrong with me when I break down in tears plus picking on him for everything is just killing him. I wouldn't blame him at all if he decided to just give up, say fuck you, and leave.

I want to be happy, honestly happy. I want to not be a piece of shit ex-roommate/ex-girlfriend. I want to be the best friend to him that he is to me. He deserves so much more than I can give to him and I think it fucks up my mind that much more that I get so lost in myself and all I can do is apologize and hear him doubt me over and over.

I don't know how to fix my life and I can't even fix anything with him-I'm just a piece of shit. Super.

I don't know where to start I feel like I'm just spiraling downward, being sucked back into that black hole that I finally escaped back in senior year. It's like all that I have is just not enough. I have a nice apartment that i can afford, a job and I have an education that I'm heading back to tomorrow. I have friends that I can call to chat about anything and a family that loves me. But it's just not enough. It's like when you are on a steep hill in the snow and you just keep sliding down not gaining any ground, not moving in the right direction-and these people and things in my life are like branches I can grab onto to keep from slipping. But the branches always break or get up-rooted and I just fall down again.

My days are consumed with dreams of forgetting everything, hiding myself, and losing myself. Awful awful thoughts just consume me and it literally feels like I am stuck in a black hole that's just closing in getting tighter and smaller and more suffocating every morning I wake up.

It is the worst feeling. I feel so helpless, powerless, defeated. I just hate it. I hate everything and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to sleep and not wake up and just have peace again.

I feel as if I've re-entered my downward spiral that I fought so hard to get out of. There is a piece of me that is ready to do the things I want to do without anyone relying on my to come home in one piece mentally and physically; I am unsure if I can be that whole. I've been comfortable with my life, and have felt whole as a person when I have been Meg+somebody. It was Meg+Ryan+Teddy+Ted+Dan. The security of Dan and his willingness to love and look past my flaws, the enthusiasm he has shown towards building a life together and the never ending patience and understanding he offered whenever I had a problem or messed everything up had put me in a place of feeling more complete then I ever had in my life. There is no good reason not to want to be with him other than not wanting to be with anyone. He has been compassionate and generous in all that he has done and in return all I have been is a wretched cunt rag.

I don't know when it happened but I just fell out of love with him. I hate myself for that because Dan is safe; Dan is home base, a lifetime of love, a fallout shelter in the shit show of a mortar attack. He was the glue that delicately put me back together when I was nothing but shards of glass and ground up powder. I honestly do not know how well off I would be without him in my life.

I feel like I owe him a lifetime of smiles and laughs, sweet messages on his phone, notes that say I will always love you.. I owe him eternal gratitude in the form of always lending an ear, rubbing his feet after a long night at work and a hot cup of soup when he's sick.

The problem is not being able to fall back in love with him because he's perfect and I'm sure having him back in my life, at my side, would be all it took, but I feel and would always feel that he deserves something so much better than I could ever give him. Call me a martyr to his eternal happiness but I can't allow myself back into his life feeling like the piece of shit that I do.

I should be happy with him. I should build a family with him. I just have the inopportune feelings of wanting to find out who Meg+no one is, of making a selfish choice finally for me. I'm terrified that I am pushing aside the greatest love I will ever have for a chance to be alone. It breaks my heart to think that when I eventually do move away it will be away from him and without him.

It's pathetic because at the end of the day there is nothing I would like to do more than crawl up into bed with him and have him kiss away the doubts and pet away the insecurities and whisper promises of it all working out and falling asleep in the safe haven of his arms and waking up holding onto a man that has pulled me out of drowning in an ocean of shit.

I want to stop being such a bitch, because it's my habit to push away push away push away and look for discord because I think that that will somehow help the situation into a more digestible outcome. I hate that I hurt him every fucking time I open my mouth because all he does is give and give and try and try and all I do is act like a shitty human being and shoot him down. It's not that he has done anything wrong, in fact he hasn't changed at all, I'm the one that changed. I'm the one that suddenly isn't satisfied and I'm the one pushing away.

But I wish I wasn't and that I was content with wonderful life with a wonderful man. On the other side I just wish that he would call me a scumbag and a worthless piece of shit, or on the other other side entirely I wish this just felt better. I've got a knot in my stomach that twists every time I open my mouth and talk about leaving and then again every time I talk about staying.

I just don't know what the answer is here, I don't know if I should go left or right. I just want to be happy, Dan makes me happy but I want Megan to make me happy too. I just can't believe that this is the right decision when it feels so dirty, I just don't.

Being a dolt sucks.

7:50 wake up to crying cat
7:52 feed crying cat
7:54 go back to bed
7:54 cat jumps on head
8:30 cat head butts me (aka. wake up again)
8:45 jump in the shower
9:30 let Verizon man in
10:30 search for missing receipt
10:45 still searching
11:00 go dumpster diving and find missing receipt
11:30 say goodbye to Verizon man and hello to cable and Internet (aka $115 bill for the rest of my life)
11:45 say goodbye to boy who looks all smart leaving for work in his shirt and tie
11:55 gather piles of dirty laundry and H.&.M bag to return and throw it all in the car
12:05 head out on errands (buying screws for the t.v. stand that didn't have any, laundry, get gas, return shorts that are too small for my big ass)
3:00 finally get to laundromat
4:30 FINALLY get home from laundromat
4:35 screw t.v. together and feel seriously uncomfortable with the way it sways
4:38 turn on t.v. to see that it says "no video input" (ps how do I fix that?)
4:40 settle down for a little blogging.

When I went to the hardware store today I saw a washer and dryer on clearance and seriously contemplated buy them, I didn't A. because I don't think my landlord would be ok with that and B. because I just don't have that kind of cash anymore. But what I wouldn't give to have my very own washer and dryer!
And at this it occurs to me that being an adult sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks! I work all the time to pay bills to live in the apartment that I'm too busy working to enjoy with the cat that wakes me up at 7:50 in the morning crying only to jump on my head after I feed it. Most of the time spent in this house is occupied by some sort of cleaning; the bathroom, kitchen, bed, bedroom floor, litter box, vacuuming the thousands of bits of Styro.foam the cat tore up while we were trying to assemble the t.v. last night... the list goes on and on and on!

I'm feeling insanely grown up with too many responsibilities and bills! oh the bills just keep adding up!

And yet, that cat has finished shredding the new couch and has cuddled up to me, the laundry is folded (though not quite put away) and I have a few minutes waiting for the rain to stop before I venture outside to clean my car, Dan will be coming home to me in five hours and ten minutes and life is good!