Being a dolt sucks.

7:50 wake up to crying cat
7:52 feed crying cat
7:54 go back to bed
7:54 cat jumps on head
8:30 cat head butts me (aka. wake up again)
8:45 jump in the shower
9:30 let Verizon man in
10:30 search for missing receipt
10:45 still searching
11:00 go dumpster diving and find missing receipt
11:30 say goodbye to Verizon man and hello to cable and Internet (aka $115 bill for the rest of my life)
11:45 say goodbye to boy who looks all smart leaving for work in his shirt and tie
11:55 gather piles of dirty laundry and H.&.M bag to return and throw it all in the car
12:05 head out on errands (buying screws for the t.v. stand that didn't have any, laundry, get gas, return shorts that are too small for my big ass)
3:00 finally get to laundromat
4:30 FINALLY get home from laundromat
4:35 screw t.v. together and feel seriously uncomfortable with the way it sways
4:38 turn on t.v. to see that it says "no video input" (ps how do I fix that?)
4:40 settle down for a little blogging.

When I went to the hardware store today I saw a washer and dryer on clearance and seriously contemplated buy them, I didn't A. because I don't think my landlord would be ok with that and B. because I just don't have that kind of cash anymore. But what I wouldn't give to have my very own washer and dryer!
And at this it occurs to me that being an adult sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks! I work all the time to pay bills to live in the apartment that I'm too busy working to enjoy with the cat that wakes me up at 7:50 in the morning crying only to jump on my head after I feed it. Most of the time spent in this house is occupied by some sort of cleaning; the bathroom, kitchen, bed, bedroom floor, litter box, vacuuming the thousands of bits of Styro.foam the cat tore up while we were trying to assemble the t.v. last night... the list goes on and on and on!

I'm feeling insanely grown up with too many responsibilities and bills! oh the bills just keep adding up!

And yet, that cat has finished shredding the new couch and has cuddled up to me, the laundry is folded (though not quite put away) and I have a few minutes waiting for the rain to stop before I venture outside to clean my car, Dan will be coming home to me in five hours and ten minutes and life is good!

Marbles

I feel like my life is scattered like a bag of marbles that has been unceremoniously dropped onto the kitchen table. Bits of me have scattered very fast flying off that table to land somewhere under the refrigerator or over just to be forgotten, one catching the attention of the cat and being smacked into the next room and down the stairs just to cause discomfort to some one's foot later, some flew-smacking into the wall before losing momentum and stuttering back to the table as if giving up and the rest are still on that table going too fast headed towards the tables edge and I'm not sure if I can stop them from falling yet. I just want everything bag and held tight together again, everything tied securely in the bag and then reinforced because I feel like I'm losing it. I need friends and some stability in my life and I don't have it and I feel like I'm slowly going insane.

Chapter 3

Things have changed a lot in the past few weeks I finally escaped from hell and now I'm living with the boyfriend. And let me tell you! Whew things are different on this side of the street or bed if you will. We work together, we live together and sometimes we spend time together but I feel like as much as we are around each other it's like there is no Megan and Dan time. At work we don't really talk because he's the big bad mean manager and I'm just a lowly server and by the time we get home we're just ready for bed. It's strange living with someone else that isn't family, or camp, or a roommate because things just got so, I don't know, serious? Minus a little argument over how I don't like the way he treats the servers while he's pretending to be a manager, I mean really-don't forget where you came from right-we've been pretty alright. And I think we'll be ok because I'll be gone the whole summer and then we probably (hopefully?) won't be working together when I get back, I think that space will be good.
And at the same time bad because between my school and work and his work when are we ever going to see each other?
I just don't know, this was a huge step and I'm happy because he is the one I want to build my life with.
I'm just terrified he's going to wake up next to me one morning and decide that's not what he wants from me. Not saying at all that I don't think he wants me just maybe not what I want and it kind of makes my stomach turn. I want some reassurance maybe.

Going Home

I'm moving out of this hell hole in about and hour and a half-and I think that's pretty great. This school has kept me so depressed since day one. Here's a little recap on how fucked up this place is:

1. Two underage, drunken (on a dry campus) white girls beat up on this Black guy for sitting on "thier" bench. He takes it.. and takes it.. and finally turns around and smacks one of them. He's kicked out of the dorm and put on probation. The girls punishment? For being drunk and starting fights you get a minor slap on the wrist. Because it was a black man that hit a white girl.
2. My professor tells me that she gave everyone in the class an A on a report that she gave me a C on, even though we had the same quality of work. Because she was trying to "help" them out. Maybe I should point out I'm one of three white kids in the class? And what did going to the Dean of Students get me? Nothing. Not even a response.
3. I'm entrenched in this overly racist society that is making me a bad person. I wasn't racist before I got here, I judge a lot now. I'm not happy about it.

A couple of good things have happened since moving here

1. I made a couple friends at my new work. Where, sure the managers are dicks, but they do their jobs right at least.
2. I experienced living in a dorm, which I knew from the beginning I'd hate (and I do) and had at least one crazy college kid night.
   
3. I found out what's really involved with being a big kid. Lots of bills, that's what.
   

But now I'm going home. I'll finish packing up my car in about an hour, hand over my room key and mailbox key (which I've checked maybe three times all semester.) And I'll head over to work to kill some time, maybe eat, before working the night shift. Then I'll hop in my car and drive to Jersey to stay there until Friday (remember I have nowhere to stay in about an hour) and then I'll come back bright and early Friday morning to move into my apartment with the greatest guy I've ever met. (Though he hates the idea of living with me so so much. I am crazy I guess.) And I'll have a home again.

A home that I never play rap music in. Because it sucks and I've heard enough of it to last me forever and then some. I'm very excited to move into a new home with my boy and my cat and have our little family all in one place. I'm excited to have a stove so I can cook food that has nothing to do with TGI.Frid.ays. I can clean my little apartment as much as I want. There will always be toilet paper and I won't be living with people who are so proud of what they leave in the toilet that they... leave it in the toilet.

I'm just relieved that this hell is finally over and that I never ever need to come back here for anything other than a transcript.

Thank God.

I have so much to write about it feels like my soul is just going to explode if I don't get it out.

But I have no time at all. But when I do it's all going to be about:
Life
Death
Apartments
Changes
Residency
Stress
Family
and how fucked my life is.

love.

Be serenity

I love days like today where I find the inner peace that generally evades me daily. I love the happy thoughts about where my life is, and the excitement to see someone I finally had a little tiny chance to miss. I've really just had a great weekend, I think my parents and I have begun to settle into a more relaxed relationship of grown up mother/father/daughter instead of mother/father/child-who-needs-to-be-taken-care-of-constantly. It's a nice feeling just to have them off my back really.

It's back to reality though now that school has started up again, I need to start seriously looking into finding an apartment, save money for the security, brokers fee (which I really feel the person WITH the apartment should have to pay) and first months rent (which at 1400 for each-split two ways comes to a whopping 2100!) figure out money for next semester, (around 5-6000) figure out Dan's birthday present and if it's going to be big or not ($?) make sure I have money for disney (between 600-1000) and it's just all adding up. I feel really guilty that I just bought an I.pod shu.ffle, I think I'm going to return it (good thing I brought the receipt/packaging back with me) I mean it wasn't too expensive considering but I need to be saving money for other things.

Despite the growing concern for having enough money.. I still feel peaceful and content. It's amazing. I know it's going to leave soon enough and slide back into depression but it's a nice feeling for now. I guess you take what you can get right?

Get it out..

Life has been a roller coaster for the past few weeks. months. years.. whatever. I feel as if everything has built up to some kind of maximum like it has reached to point where it is pushing against this barrier and the barrier is just a whisper away from snapping; I'm a whisper away from snapping.

• I need my brother to come home; his approximate return date is the middle of May. That's like what-six weeks? The anxiety is building as the date gets closer, every day I grow more terrified that something will happen to ... delay his return. I need him here, he is by far my best friend and I miss being able to call him at retarded hours, to tell him the stupid dramas of my life, to hear about his stupid training missions. I miss him and having someone that really understood my mind inside and out on speed dial.

• Talking to the old man (forgive me I don't want to taint this blog with the name anymore than I may have in the past) gave me some closure that I think I really needed but had pushed to the side thinking I was never going to be able to have it. I believe it was good. I believe that it reminded me that he didn't always suck that I did love a guy that had some compassion and that, while he fucked me up, he did care about me and he will until the day he dies. I did mean something.... Pause.

• I feel like I've regressed back into the miserable fuck I used to be; feelings of worthlessness and sadness are back full force, not that they ever really left. I know he'd tell me I'm stupid, but I feel like my own boyfriend just puts up with me because I moved here to be with him, because he feels obligated to make me happy. I feel distant from him, from reality? From my life, I feel like I'm watching it and tapping on the glass trying to get my own attention to tell myself to snap out of it. To fucking wake up and live. And then I think why the hell can't I just wake up and say "fuck it let's be happy," but whenever I do it's just fake. I feel like any progress I made over the past few months in the happiness department has just dissolved like a thin layer blown away by the stress and loneliness of the past few months.

Today I think I suck, and I hate that. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just let shit roll off of me and move on? I need to know the recipe...