I am a wretched cunt rag.

I am a wretched cunt rag. the way I treat Dan is not only disrespectful it's mean and wrong. I am so rude to him that all I end up doing is picking fights that I really don't mean to. It's not like I want to fight to get out anger-I can go for a run for that; I just don't know why I'm so mean to him I'm just so damn tired of being sad. But I think not being able to express what's wrong with me when I break down in tears plus picking on him for everything is just killing him. I wouldn't blame him at all if he decided to just give up, say fuck you, and leave.

I want to be happy, honestly happy. I want to not be a piece of shit ex-roommate/ex-girlfriend. I want to be the best friend to him that he is to me. He deserves so much more than I can give to him and I think it fucks up my mind that much more that I get so lost in myself and all I can do is apologize and hear him doubt me over and over.

I don't know how to fix my life and I can't even fix anything with him-I'm just a piece of shit. Super.

I don't know where to start I feel like I'm just spiraling downward, being sucked back into that black hole that I finally escaped back in senior year. It's like all that I have is just not enough. I have a nice apartment that i can afford, a job and I have an education that I'm heading back to tomorrow. I have friends that I can call to chat about anything and a family that loves me. But it's just not enough. It's like when you are on a steep hill in the snow and you just keep sliding down not gaining any ground, not moving in the right direction-and these people and things in my life are like branches I can grab onto to keep from slipping. But the branches always break or get up-rooted and I just fall down again.

My days are consumed with dreams of forgetting everything, hiding myself, and losing myself. Awful awful thoughts just consume me and it literally feels like I am stuck in a black hole that's just closing in getting tighter and smaller and more suffocating every morning I wake up.

It is the worst feeling. I feel so helpless, powerless, defeated. I just hate it. I hate everything and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to sleep and not wake up and just have peace again.

I feel as if I've re-entered my downward spiral that I fought so hard to get out of. There is a piece of me that is ready to do the things I want to do without anyone relying on my to come home in one piece mentally and physically; I am unsure if I can be that whole. I've been comfortable with my life, and have felt whole as a person when I have been Meg+somebody. It was Meg+Ryan+Teddy+Ted+Dan. The security of Dan and his willingness to love and look past my flaws, the enthusiasm he has shown towards building a life together and the never ending patience and understanding he offered whenever I had a problem or messed everything up had put me in a place of feeling more complete then I ever had in my life. There is no good reason not to want to be with him other than not wanting to be with anyone. He has been compassionate and generous in all that he has done and in return all I have been is a wretched cunt rag.

I don't know when it happened but I just fell out of love with him. I hate myself for that because Dan is safe; Dan is home base, a lifetime of love, a fallout shelter in the shit show of a mortar attack. He was the glue that delicately put me back together when I was nothing but shards of glass and ground up powder. I honestly do not know how well off I would be without him in my life.

I feel like I owe him a lifetime of smiles and laughs, sweet messages on his phone, notes that say I will always love you.. I owe him eternal gratitude in the form of always lending an ear, rubbing his feet after a long night at work and a hot cup of soup when he's sick.

The problem is not being able to fall back in love with him because he's perfect and I'm sure having him back in my life, at my side, would be all it took, but I feel and would always feel that he deserves something so much better than I could ever give him. Call me a martyr to his eternal happiness but I can't allow myself back into his life feeling like the piece of shit that I do.

I should be happy with him. I should build a family with him. I just have the inopportune feelings of wanting to find out who Meg+no one is, of making a selfish choice finally for me. I'm terrified that I am pushing aside the greatest love I will ever have for a chance to be alone. It breaks my heart to think that when I eventually do move away it will be away from him and without him.

It's pathetic because at the end of the day there is nothing I would like to do more than crawl up into bed with him and have him kiss away the doubts and pet away the insecurities and whisper promises of it all working out and falling asleep in the safe haven of his arms and waking up holding onto a man that has pulled me out of drowning in an ocean of shit.

I want to stop being such a bitch, because it's my habit to push away push away push away and look for discord because I think that that will somehow help the situation into a more digestible outcome. I hate that I hurt him every fucking time I open my mouth because all he does is give and give and try and try and all I do is act like a shitty human being and shoot him down. It's not that he has done anything wrong, in fact he hasn't changed at all, I'm the one that changed. I'm the one that suddenly isn't satisfied and I'm the one pushing away.

But I wish I wasn't and that I was content with wonderful life with a wonderful man. On the other side I just wish that he would call me a scumbag and a worthless piece of shit, or on the other other side entirely I wish this just felt better. I've got a knot in my stomach that twists every time I open my mouth and talk about leaving and then again every time I talk about staying.

I just don't know what the answer is here, I don't know if I should go left or right. I just want to be happy, Dan makes me happy but I want Megan to make me happy too. I just can't believe that this is the right decision when it feels so dirty, I just don't.

Being a dolt sucks.

7:50 wake up to crying cat
7:52 feed crying cat
7:54 go back to bed
7:54 cat jumps on head
8:30 cat head butts me (aka. wake up again)
8:45 jump in the shower
9:30 let Verizon man in
10:30 search for missing receipt
10:45 still searching
11:00 go dumpster diving and find missing receipt
11:30 say goodbye to Verizon man and hello to cable and Internet (aka $115 bill for the rest of my life)
11:45 say goodbye to boy who looks all smart leaving for work in his shirt and tie
11:55 gather piles of dirty laundry and H.&.M bag to return and throw it all in the car
12:05 head out on errands (buying screws for the t.v. stand that didn't have any, laundry, get gas, return shorts that are too small for my big ass)
3:00 finally get to laundromat
4:30 FINALLY get home from laundromat
4:35 screw t.v. together and feel seriously uncomfortable with the way it sways
4:38 turn on t.v. to see that it says "no video input" (ps how do I fix that?)
4:40 settle down for a little blogging.

When I went to the hardware store today I saw a washer and dryer on clearance and seriously contemplated buy them, I didn't A. because I don't think my landlord would be ok with that and B. because I just don't have that kind of cash anymore. But what I wouldn't give to have my very own washer and dryer!
And at this it occurs to me that being an adult sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks! I work all the time to pay bills to live in the apartment that I'm too busy working to enjoy with the cat that wakes me up at 7:50 in the morning crying only to jump on my head after I feed it. Most of the time spent in this house is occupied by some sort of cleaning; the bathroom, kitchen, bed, bedroom floor, litter box, vacuuming the thousands of bits of Styro.foam the cat tore up while we were trying to assemble the t.v. last night... the list goes on and on and on!

I'm feeling insanely grown up with too many responsibilities and bills! oh the bills just keep adding up!

And yet, that cat has finished shredding the new couch and has cuddled up to me, the laundry is folded (though not quite put away) and I have a few minutes waiting for the rain to stop before I venture outside to clean my car, Dan will be coming home to me in five hours and ten minutes and life is good!

Marbles

I feel like my life is scattered like a bag of marbles that has been unceremoniously dropped onto the kitchen table. Bits of me have scattered very fast flying off that table to land somewhere under the refrigerator or over just to be forgotten, one catching the attention of the cat and being smacked into the next room and down the stairs just to cause discomfort to some one's foot later, some flew-smacking into the wall before losing momentum and stuttering back to the table as if giving up and the rest are still on that table going too fast headed towards the tables edge and I'm not sure if I can stop them from falling yet. I just want everything bag and held tight together again, everything tied securely in the bag and then reinforced because I feel like I'm losing it. I need friends and some stability in my life and I don't have it and I feel like I'm slowly going insane.

Chapter 3

Things have changed a lot in the past few weeks I finally escaped from hell and now I'm living with the boyfriend. And let me tell you! Whew things are different on this side of the street or bed if you will. We work together, we live together and sometimes we spend time together but I feel like as much as we are around each other it's like there is no Megan and Dan time. At work we don't really talk because he's the big bad mean manager and I'm just a lowly server and by the time we get home we're just ready for bed. It's strange living with someone else that isn't family, or camp, or a roommate because things just got so, I don't know, serious? Minus a little argument over how I don't like the way he treats the servers while he's pretending to be a manager, I mean really-don't forget where you came from right-we've been pretty alright. And I think we'll be ok because I'll be gone the whole summer and then we probably (hopefully?) won't be working together when I get back, I think that space will be good.
And at the same time bad because between my school and work and his work when are we ever going to see each other?
I just don't know, this was a huge step and I'm happy because he is the one I want to build my life with.
I'm just terrified he's going to wake up next to me one morning and decide that's not what he wants from me. Not saying at all that I don't think he wants me just maybe not what I want and it kind of makes my stomach turn. I want some reassurance maybe.

Going Home

I'm moving out of this hell hole in about and hour and a half-and I think that's pretty great. This school has kept me so depressed since day one. Here's a little recap on how fucked up this place is:

1. Two underage, drunken (on a dry campus) white girls beat up on this Black guy for sitting on "thier" bench. He takes it.. and takes it.. and finally turns around and smacks one of them. He's kicked out of the dorm and put on probation. The girls punishment? For being drunk and starting fights you get a minor slap on the wrist. Because it was a black man that hit a white girl.
2. My professor tells me that she gave everyone in the class an A on a report that she gave me a C on, even though we had the same quality of work. Because she was trying to "help" them out. Maybe I should point out I'm one of three white kids in the class? And what did going to the Dean of Students get me? Nothing. Not even a response.
3. I'm entrenched in this overly racist society that is making me a bad person. I wasn't racist before I got here, I judge a lot now. I'm not happy about it.

A couple of good things have happened since moving here

1. I made a couple friends at my new work. Where, sure the managers are dicks, but they do their jobs right at least.
2. I experienced living in a dorm, which I knew from the beginning I'd hate (and I do) and had at least one crazy college kid night.
   
3. I found out what's really involved with being a big kid. Lots of bills, that's what.
   

But now I'm going home. I'll finish packing up my car in about an hour, hand over my room key and mailbox key (which I've checked maybe three times all semester.) And I'll head over to work to kill some time, maybe eat, before working the night shift. Then I'll hop in my car and drive to Jersey to stay there until Friday (remember I have nowhere to stay in about an hour) and then I'll come back bright and early Friday morning to move into my apartment with the greatest guy I've ever met. (Though he hates the idea of living with me so so much. I am crazy I guess.) And I'll have a home again.

A home that I never play rap music in. Because it sucks and I've heard enough of it to last me forever and then some. I'm very excited to move into a new home with my boy and my cat and have our little family all in one place. I'm excited to have a stove so I can cook food that has nothing to do with TGI.Frid.ays. I can clean my little apartment as much as I want. There will always be toilet paper and I won't be living with people who are so proud of what they leave in the toilet that they... leave it in the toilet.

I'm just relieved that this hell is finally over and that I never ever need to come back here for anything other than a transcript.

Thank God.