I'm happy.
I'm going to continue to be happy.
No one is going to take that away from me.


I won't let them.

Can we just talk about my night?

I'm not saying that the sun shines out my ass or that I am the greatest waitress that ever lived but I generally try to make it a rule that I greet every table like an old friend that I've been dying to see and I keep that vibe up throughout their meal. But sometimes it just isn't enough.

The dinner shift started at six o'clock for me, a little busy because we were raising money for a group called the eleventh hour rescue. Good business for me good deed for a good cause. As dinner slows down the restaurant empties out minus the bar. My station tonight was above the bar and people get confused and think they are one in the same so I come out to my tables to see three guys there hanging out with full drinks that they've already paid for at the bar. It happens all the time but it always irks me. These tables are my section my business and my money, if you want drinks from the bar hang out at the bar. I head over to introduce myself and let the guys know that if they need anything I'll be hanging around and happy to help.

Then the "snapping" begins and man do I love that snapping. (Do I look like a dog?) "When you have a minute" they say. So I greet another table and head on over to them and they are just cracking up. "Take a whiff of this guys fart and can you bring us two more beers."

What? Take a whiff of his fart?

This stink was toxic. I mean eyes watering, taking a step back and trying not to cough. I nod and give a little smile and back off to get their drinks and hopefully let the stench dissipate a bit. I come back with their drinks and they are still laughing, the guy let another one go! I just couldn't believe it. And they are trying to get me to hang around so I can smell it. Fuck that.

I'm totally turned off by these guys now. I'm not a guy, I'm not your buddy and you guys are like forty plus. I was perfectly polite the rest of the night but believe me they were not people I waited all day to see. So the snapping continues for a few hours along with me just being polite until finally they want the bill. Thank god.

Ten minutes later the boys decide that they want bloody mary's. Hot. With Worcestershire (Sorry we don't have that) horseradish (sorry we don't have that either) Tabasco (sorry..) How do you not have tabasco?? (I'm sorry, haha, they don't consult me when they get rid of things like that *joking*)

Enter the 180 turn around.

"Don't give me that attitude! Fuck you, fuck this place, I'm from Indiana. Everyone here is so damn rude!"

What? Boss man we have a problem.

So my boss heads over to the table to try and talk to these guys down and they flip out on him. He told them they could leave whenever they were ready and that he would see them to the door personally.

That was an awesome tip.

So that was the start of a night that ended with a girl, who all I had said to was "Hi my name is Megan," telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday and saw him with a new girl today-that conversation went on for ten minutes. Finished by a 37ish year old man out of town on business looking for insight on why his wife dresses to impress while he is out of town.

Do I have psychologist written on my face? Is it a full moon?

Tonight was the most ridiculous night in a long time, I'm glad it's over.

Last night around 230 a bunch of us from work hung out after closing and had a couple beers and talked about this and that. The topic came up about prom and when you're from Jersey prom means the jersey shor.e. I mentioned that after my own prom I didn't go down the shore because no one had invited me to join them. I told them how I, in fact, haven't been down the shore since elementary school when I went with my family because, again, no one has ever invited me. Since my friends are jersey born and raised this was of course met with gasps of disbelief and my buddy telling my that was it and that I was going down the shore with him this coming summer.

It makes me happy now that I have some good friends at work that actually want to spend time with me. At the same time however, it makes me sad for my childhood; the child that was left out , the child who for a long time only found friend in stories and cartoons. I just wonder how things would be different. Maybe I would be open to more relationships with people today instead of being such an awkward adult.

This is a picture from the last party I was invited to. It's somewhere around the third or forth grade. I found it on facebook today and it made me awfully sad.

I don't get my hopes up anymore. Promises of things to do, days to come, happiness, fulfillment, love-whatever it is it's just a disappointment. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm tired of being so open and loving towards the people in my life because it always comes around to just kick me in the gut when I'm down, right after I've just given a little too much of myself to take back. So no more expectations unless low. No more giving of myself so freely. I'm running out of things to give and I am just so tired.

breath.

I don't take compliments very well. I don't need to be told I'm a good person, friend, girlfriend, daughter etc. I think that deep down I know these things. Like I know that if my friends need me that I'll be there at three in the morning for them. I know that I respect the people in my life to the fullest I am able to. I know that I put everyone before myself.

I think I get so down on myself because I am so willing to do the right thing and be the best type of person I can be; the problem comes in when I just can't be there to do the right thing or I decide that for once I'm going to put myself and my needs before those of someone else. I always feel uncomfortable doing so, like I'm being selfish. And that mentality eats at me and I think that I'm just not doing right by the people in my life. I beat myself down so much that I start thinking I'm a shitty person.

This past month most of what I have done has been for me. In the process I have pushed people away because they have drama and they don't want to hear my solution and I just can't bring myself to listen to them bitching or even venting because they just don't want the help and advice I have to offer.

I've had a handful of low moments in the past weeks-missing my life, missing my ex, missing my friends; I've also had plenty of happy moments where I'm running or doing yoga, writing or reading where I just feel at peace because I'm doing something for myself. I've been putting myself first.

It's a struggle because it goes against my nature to put everyone else second but I think I've finally reached a healthy place.

I've always wanted to be like my Aunt Mare. She is such a strong women that has always been there for our family in times of crisis. When I was younger she was there to listen to my lame teenage woes. It's just how she is. But I am beginning to realize that Aunt Mare puts her needs, responsibilities and herself first. She always makes sure that her life is at the proper place to walk away from before she goes off and helps people.

That's not to say that in times of crisis she won't drop everything she is doing to help out but she seems to have found a balance where she is bettering herself and making her own life work while still enriching the lives of those around her.

I'm finding my balance. And even though situations and feelings like to get in the way I'm starting to be happy and satisfied with my life as it is. We all have setbacks. Plans that don't work out. People that just aren't supposed to be in our lives the way we want them to. I'm learning how to deal with all that and still keep smiling.

And just for today I am happy.

No matter where you go you take yourself with you.

It's a hard concept, no matter where you go you take yourself with you. I feel like I've been running for the past couple years. Running from bad decisions, lost memories, terrible relationship after terrible relationship, my thoughts, my actions-whatever else. I've been running; each time I stopped for a breath a new place I felt energized and ready to start something new. Each time life and my relationships started solid and people thought I was great and people wanted to chill with me and get to know me. But just like after a run, every single time I got tired and worn down. When you're running you don't think. When you're running you just go, left right left right in out in out: pace yourself. When you stop running and the energy wears off for the day everything has time to catch up to you and take it's toll on you because you're too tired to fight back and it yells at you for trying to get away and you can't escape again until you run again.

Every time I've stopped running life has caught up to me. It sees me for who I am regardless of the color I dye my hair, or piercings, or tattoos, or diets, friends, habits, fads....
No matter where you go you take yourself with you. Even I can't escape that.

Beautiful sunset for you all

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