Following this recent "breakup" I find myself wondering if I'm so sure I didn't want him, what do I want.

• Become an RN and work for a traveling nurse company
• Live in at least ten different states
• Find my missing piece, feel excitement and challenge. Someone willing to do anything and everything, anticipates my wants and needs
• Become this strong, courageous, beautiful women
  
• Change a life
• Save a life
  

I don't really believe any of these things are unrealistic. I want someone who is on my level .

He is great. We think a lot alike saying/thinking the same things all the time and really he is just sweet as pie. But something is missing or somehow he doesn't fit quite right. But he is comfortable and I know the stability he would offer.

So what's the trade off? Should I sit around through some inner misery guided turmoil figuring I'll eventually settle because I gave up on my goals? Because let's be serious, how many faithful guys are going to be cool with their girl going to different states every eight weeks? Or should I do what I did and cut the cord so no one gets hurt worse later on down the line? Aren't I just a scum bag even attempting a relationship before completing my dreams? Failure to complete them will only result in resentment down the road coupled with a sense of dissatisfaction concerning my accomplishments in life.

I'm just uncertain with what to do, it's a catch twenty-two if you will. My sense of honesty and my endless concern for how the feelings of everyone else are don't allow me to lead people on. But my determination to realize my goals prevents me from willingly entering a relationship with a hope of longevity.

Is it worth it?

Hate

I'm so filled with hate and disappointment now. These are really hard emotions for me, especially hate. I'm the girl that apologized when I was cheated on, tried to make an abusive relationship work; I'm the girl that forgives everyone. I try to make all of my relationships work out and last, I try to make everyone involved happy but it seems that it's just not meant to be. I haven't spoken to my brother or he hasn't spoken to me, take your pick, since Christmas when I texted him. Things are just so terrible between us. Between my brother and myself, between someone who at one point I considered my best friend. His wife just hates me, for lack of understanding of the inner workings of her psychotic mind, so he finds it simpler to ignore the situation (or just ignore me) than deal with going against her I guess.

But they're building a fucking house together and she writes on his wall about moving past all the negativity in their life and build upon their family together, just the two of them.

And it just hurts so fucking much. It hurts. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about missing out on my brother's life. Just as how not a single day goes by that I don't daydream about bashing her face into the wall. What she has done to me, my family, my brother-everything she has done is just unforgivable. She will never be welcomed where I am, and I hope one day she understands the gravity of what she has done and I hope she falls down having collapsed under the weight of my broken family and my broken heart. I hope she knows that she made me hate her. I hope she understands one day that when I asked about reaching out to her it wasn't with malicious intent but it was with a desire to include her into my family. I hope she regrets what she has done.

And I hope that he can comprehend the severity of his indifference. Because now instead of just frustration, hurt feelings and incredibility at the whole situation, I'm carrying around hate. And it just weighs so heavily on me that I don't feel as if I can reach out to my brother out of fear of her intervention. I don't even feel as if I want to reach out to him anymore. He took a good thing, the love of his family and threw it away as unimportant and insignificant. I suppose I should have figured looking back at the trend of our relationship and how I was never anyone he spent time with unless he was single or heartbroken. What was I doing thinking that we could possibly continue any semblance of a relationship once he got married.

It just hurts so much and I don't want to be ugly but I can find no happiness to wish towards either of them, no forgiveness to offer and no desire to let him (or her, clearly) anywhere near my personal life again. Isn't that sad?

I'm super women. I cannot be hurt. My heart has been shattered too many times to be effected by kind or hurtful words. But I want a chance. So give me a chance and open up. If it falls apart I'll take it like a champ. No worries. I am super women.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

You should all go watch this, I couldn't stop smiling.

I'm happy.
I'm going to continue to be happy.
No one is going to take that away from me.


I won't let them.

Can we just talk about my night?

I'm not saying that the sun shines out my ass or that I am the greatest waitress that ever lived but I generally try to make it a rule that I greet every table like an old friend that I've been dying to see and I keep that vibe up throughout their meal. But sometimes it just isn't enough.

The dinner shift started at six o'clock for me, a little busy because we were raising money for a group called the eleventh hour rescue. Good business for me good deed for a good cause. As dinner slows down the restaurant empties out minus the bar. My station tonight was above the bar and people get confused and think they are one in the same so I come out to my tables to see three guys there hanging out with full drinks that they've already paid for at the bar. It happens all the time but it always irks me. These tables are my section my business and my money, if you want drinks from the bar hang out at the bar. I head over to introduce myself and let the guys know that if they need anything I'll be hanging around and happy to help.

Then the "snapping" begins and man do I love that snapping. (Do I look like a dog?) "When you have a minute" they say. So I greet another table and head on over to them and they are just cracking up. "Take a whiff of this guys fart and can you bring us two more beers."

What? Take a whiff of his fart?

This stink was toxic. I mean eyes watering, taking a step back and trying not to cough. I nod and give a little smile and back off to get their drinks and hopefully let the stench dissipate a bit. I come back with their drinks and they are still laughing, the guy let another one go! I just couldn't believe it. And they are trying to get me to hang around so I can smell it. Fuck that.

I'm totally turned off by these guys now. I'm not a guy, I'm not your buddy and you guys are like forty plus. I was perfectly polite the rest of the night but believe me they were not people I waited all day to see. So the snapping continues for a few hours along with me just being polite until finally they want the bill. Thank god.

Ten minutes later the boys decide that they want bloody mary's. Hot. With Worcestershire (Sorry we don't have that) horseradish (sorry we don't have that either) Tabasco (sorry..) How do you not have tabasco?? (I'm sorry, haha, they don't consult me when they get rid of things like that *joking*)

Enter the 180 turn around.

"Don't give me that attitude! Fuck you, fuck this place, I'm from Indiana. Everyone here is so damn rude!"

What? Boss man we have a problem.

So my boss heads over to the table to try and talk to these guys down and they flip out on him. He told them they could leave whenever they were ready and that he would see them to the door personally.

That was an awesome tip.

So that was the start of a night that ended with a girl, who all I had said to was "Hi my name is Megan," telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday and saw him with a new girl today-that conversation went on for ten minutes. Finished by a 37ish year old man out of town on business looking for insight on why his wife dresses to impress while he is out of town.

Do I have psychologist written on my face? Is it a full moon?

Tonight was the most ridiculous night in a long time, I'm glad it's over.

Last night around 230 a bunch of us from work hung out after closing and had a couple beers and talked about this and that. The topic came up about prom and when you're from Jersey prom means the jersey shor.e. I mentioned that after my own prom I didn't go down the shore because no one had invited me to join them. I told them how I, in fact, haven't been down the shore since elementary school when I went with my family because, again, no one has ever invited me. Since my friends are jersey born and raised this was of course met with gasps of disbelief and my buddy telling my that was it and that I was going down the shore with him this coming summer.

It makes me happy now that I have some good friends at work that actually want to spend time with me. At the same time however, it makes me sad for my childhood; the child that was left out , the child who for a long time only found friend in stories and cartoons. I just wonder how things would be different. Maybe I would be open to more relationships with people today instead of being such an awkward adult.

This is a picture from the last party I was invited to. It's somewhere around the third or forth grade. I found it on facebook today and it made me awfully sad.