I've been escaping lately into my work, or solitude, or drinking, or sleep. Collectively they bring me money, recognition, promotion, thinking time, head aches, peace, nightmares, and above all escape. I'm exhausted, I have nothing left to give to anyone. I am empty and tired of trying to fill up that emptiness with people and things. I'm just tired and done.

Past experience has shown me that distancing myself from a situation brings clarity. Camp three years ago gave me the space I needed to re-evaluate my relationship with Ted and to come to the conclusion that it was a pretty shitty situation that I needed to get out of. Camp this year showed me that I did not want to live in Long Island, that in fact it brought me a heavy cover of depression which I associated not only with the place but with Dan who was at the core of my life there. In the two weeks since I have returned home I have felt greater inner peace I attributed to being away from a place and situation but lately the depression has settled back over my life and I spend most of my day missing the one person that has brought me the greatest happiness and comfort for the past two years that I have ever had.

I was so desperate to be happy that I decided that everything about Long Island had to go. Now I am wondering why I ever wanted to break up with Dan. I think the reason was in the place, my attitude towards everything changed when I was there and I made it impossible to be happy with anything. But for the past two weeks I have fallen asleep waiting for him to come home and crawl into bed with me. Having him be the last person I talk to before I fall asleep is very comforting but only a consolation to the real thing.

I keep wishing for him to move back out here because I believe that we could have a real chance at something permanent in a place that is safe for myself. But I am terrified that I won't be satisfied with anything. I'm afraid that he won't be enough to keep me happy or content with life. I am afriad that I will grow up to be a miserable person who breaks down, who isn't satisfied, who lets depression rip apart my family. I don't want to bring that into his life because he means that much. I'm overwhelmed by how important he is to me. I feel like it must be too soon in my life, that it could never work, but at the same time I miss him every single day and things are just better when he is around. Is that insane? I want a magic eight ball to tell me what to do because I am just weighed down by all of the options.

I am a wretched cunt rag.

I am a wretched cunt rag. the way I treat Dan is not only disrespectful it's mean and wrong. I am so rude to him that all I end up doing is picking fights that I really don't mean to. It's not like I want to fight to get out anger-I can go for a run for that; I just don't know why I'm so mean to him I'm just so damn tired of being sad. But I think not being able to express what's wrong with me when I break down in tears plus picking on him for everything is just killing him. I wouldn't blame him at all if he decided to just give up, say fuck you, and leave.

I want to be happy, honestly happy. I want to not be a piece of shit ex-roommate/ex-girlfriend. I want to be the best friend to him that he is to me. He deserves so much more than I can give to him and I think it fucks up my mind that much more that I get so lost in myself and all I can do is apologize and hear him doubt me over and over.

I don't know how to fix my life and I can't even fix anything with him-I'm just a piece of shit. Super.

I don't know where to start I feel like I'm just spiraling downward, being sucked back into that black hole that I finally escaped back in senior year. It's like all that I have is just not enough. I have a nice apartment that i can afford, a job and I have an education that I'm heading back to tomorrow. I have friends that I can call to chat about anything and a family that loves me. But it's just not enough. It's like when you are on a steep hill in the snow and you just keep sliding down not gaining any ground, not moving in the right direction-and these people and things in my life are like branches I can grab onto to keep from slipping. But the branches always break or get up-rooted and I just fall down again.

My days are consumed with dreams of forgetting everything, hiding myself, and losing myself. Awful awful thoughts just consume me and it literally feels like I am stuck in a black hole that's just closing in getting tighter and smaller and more suffocating every morning I wake up.

It is the worst feeling. I feel so helpless, powerless, defeated. I just hate it. I hate everything and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to sleep and not wake up and just have peace again.

I feel as if I've re-entered my downward spiral that I fought so hard to get out of. There is a piece of me that is ready to do the things I want to do without anyone relying on my to come home in one piece mentally and physically; I am unsure if I can be that whole. I've been comfortable with my life, and have felt whole as a person when I have been Meg+somebody. It was Meg+Ryan+Teddy+Ted+Dan. The security of Dan and his willingness to love and look past my flaws, the enthusiasm he has shown towards building a life together and the never ending patience and understanding he offered whenever I had a problem or messed everything up had put me in a place of feeling more complete then I ever had in my life. There is no good reason not to want to be with him other than not wanting to be with anyone. He has been compassionate and generous in all that he has done and in return all I have been is a wretched cunt rag.

I don't know when it happened but I just fell out of love with him. I hate myself for that because Dan is safe; Dan is home base, a lifetime of love, a fallout shelter in the shit show of a mortar attack. He was the glue that delicately put me back together when I was nothing but shards of glass and ground up powder. I honestly do not know how well off I would be without him in my life.

I feel like I owe him a lifetime of smiles and laughs, sweet messages on his phone, notes that say I will always love you.. I owe him eternal gratitude in the form of always lending an ear, rubbing his feet after a long night at work and a hot cup of soup when he's sick.

The problem is not being able to fall back in love with him because he's perfect and I'm sure having him back in my life, at my side, would be all it took, but I feel and would always feel that he deserves something so much better than I could ever give him. Call me a martyr to his eternal happiness but I can't allow myself back into his life feeling like the piece of shit that I do.

I should be happy with him. I should build a family with him. I just have the inopportune feelings of wanting to find out who Meg+no one is, of making a selfish choice finally for me. I'm terrified that I am pushing aside the greatest love I will ever have for a chance to be alone. It breaks my heart to think that when I eventually do move away it will be away from him and without him.

It's pathetic because at the end of the day there is nothing I would like to do more than crawl up into bed with him and have him kiss away the doubts and pet away the insecurities and whisper promises of it all working out and falling asleep in the safe haven of his arms and waking up holding onto a man that has pulled me out of drowning in an ocean of shit.

I want to stop being such a bitch, because it's my habit to push away push away push away and look for discord because I think that that will somehow help the situation into a more digestible outcome. I hate that I hurt him every fucking time I open my mouth because all he does is give and give and try and try and all I do is act like a shitty human being and shoot him down. It's not that he has done anything wrong, in fact he hasn't changed at all, I'm the one that changed. I'm the one that suddenly isn't satisfied and I'm the one pushing away.

But I wish I wasn't and that I was content with wonderful life with a wonderful man. On the other side I just wish that he would call me a scumbag and a worthless piece of shit, or on the other other side entirely I wish this just felt better. I've got a knot in my stomach that twists every time I open my mouth and talk about leaving and then again every time I talk about staying.

I just don't know what the answer is here, I don't know if I should go left or right. I just want to be happy, Dan makes me happy but I want Megan to make me happy too. I just can't believe that this is the right decision when it feels so dirty, I just don't.

Being a dolt sucks.

7:50 wake up to crying cat
7:52 feed crying cat
7:54 go back to bed
7:54 cat jumps on head
8:30 cat head butts me (aka. wake up again)
8:45 jump in the shower
9:30 let Verizon man in
10:30 search for missing receipt
10:45 still searching
11:00 go dumpster diving and find missing receipt
11:30 say goodbye to Verizon man and hello to cable and Internet (aka $115 bill for the rest of my life)
11:45 say goodbye to boy who looks all smart leaving for work in his shirt and tie
11:55 gather piles of dirty laundry and H.&.M bag to return and throw it all in the car
12:05 head out on errands (buying screws for the t.v. stand that didn't have any, laundry, get gas, return shorts that are too small for my big ass)
3:00 finally get to laundromat
4:30 FINALLY get home from laundromat
4:35 screw t.v. together and feel seriously uncomfortable with the way it sways
4:38 turn on t.v. to see that it says "no video input" (ps how do I fix that?)
4:40 settle down for a little blogging.

When I went to the hardware store today I saw a washer and dryer on clearance and seriously contemplated buy them, I didn't A. because I don't think my landlord would be ok with that and B. because I just don't have that kind of cash anymore. But what I wouldn't give to have my very own washer and dryer!
And at this it occurs to me that being an adult sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks! I work all the time to pay bills to live in the apartment that I'm too busy working to enjoy with the cat that wakes me up at 7:50 in the morning crying only to jump on my head after I feed it. Most of the time spent in this house is occupied by some sort of cleaning; the bathroom, kitchen, bed, bedroom floor, litter box, vacuuming the thousands of bits of Styro.foam the cat tore up while we were trying to assemble the t.v. last night... the list goes on and on and on!

I'm feeling insanely grown up with too many responsibilities and bills! oh the bills just keep adding up!

And yet, that cat has finished shredding the new couch and has cuddled up to me, the laundry is folded (though not quite put away) and I have a few minutes waiting for the rain to stop before I venture outside to clean my car, Dan will be coming home to me in five hours and ten minutes and life is good!

Marbles

I feel like my life is scattered like a bag of marbles that has been unceremoniously dropped onto the kitchen table. Bits of me have scattered very fast flying off that table to land somewhere under the refrigerator or over just to be forgotten, one catching the attention of the cat and being smacked into the next room and down the stairs just to cause discomfort to some one's foot later, some flew-smacking into the wall before losing momentum and stuttering back to the table as if giving up and the rest are still on that table going too fast headed towards the tables edge and I'm not sure if I can stop them from falling yet. I just want everything bag and held tight together again, everything tied securely in the bag and then reinforced because I feel like I'm losing it. I need friends and some stability in my life and I don't have it and I feel like I'm slowly going insane.