I don't remember much about my childhood at all I think maybe it is because I forced myself to forget it because I didn't like it, I always felt there was something missing. I remember that I was always a quiet kid and that I never fit in with the girls so instead I played wall-ball with the boys. I think playing with the boys inspired a thirst to prove myself.

Unfortunately being a quiet kid and wanting to prove myself couldn't both be done. I think this made me angry because I remember as I grew older I didn't really have a best friend anymore and throughout the rest of elementary school and middle school I was always butting heads with some of the boys and always avoiding friendships with the girls.

I became a loner until highschool when I found my spot with the diner junkies where I would disappear to for hours drinking dozens of cups of coffee a night, talking about music and just feeling free to be who I was. I remember always envying my new friends who felt comfortable being the center of attention because I was terrified to have all eyes on my and say something wrong and lose these friends. I think that's really where I began to adopt a different persona, one that used more drugs and did "harder" things.

This persona has caused me a lot of grief because I feel it to be a big fake lie. I don't believe that this person is me and I think it has caused me to retract the real me into myself again because people liked me when I was a junkie. People liked me when I was getting clean. But that is not who I am and I am desperate to break the cycle of what people think of me.

I guess I want to start over and make myself a better, more outgoing, more useful, person. I feel like I have no purpose and this barely-doing-anything day after day routine is really helping to make me feel useless and unwanted.

Maybe it's unjustified, I know I'm a good person but I'd really like a clean slate with some of my friends at least. But how am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to come clean? I'm a big fake and it drives me crazy.

And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

I really don't have a clue what is going on anymore. Last night Kyle got in from the bar and filled me in on his theory of my parents having had a make-up session. And you know what? Great. Awesome. Fantastic. I'm glad that they have worked things out to some sick satisfaction. But I am beyond angry right now over the whole thing.

This morning I received a phone call from my aunt (my dad's sister) asking me to fill her in on what is going on-I let it go to voice mail but when I finally got out of bed to tell my dad he needed to call her he gave me attitude asking about him to call his sister!!! Listen I get it that he doesn't want anyone concerned but holy fuck don't you dare take anything out on me. I do not care if I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and found all of this out but I have also been the one that he broke down sobbing to for the past two days.

So a while later my father and brother went to the movies and I went up to my mom and told her that I needed to say something. So I told her that if she ever did anything like that again-she would no longer be my mother. I told her that I had lived these past few days in fear of my father's stability.

I guess all the stress from the past couple of days had just caught up to me this morning when I let that anger out and lashed out on my mother. I think this might be sick but I really got a lot of satisfaction out making her cry. I'm just so angry.

But I really want to thank all the people that have been around to listen to me. Kelsey who, even though I've only met once, sat with me on the phone for like twenty minutes during the phillies game; Kris who put up with my drunken-babbling-bawling at random hours of the day; everyone who has texted me to just say that they love me; and mostly my boy who dealt with a lot of drunken crying and I love yous, and threats if he ever thinks of pulling this shit with me and still wanted to be there and drink beer in my car and sing stupid love songs with me.

I don't know where I would be without any of you. I don't know if I'd survive, without a friend like you in my life..

Thanks everyone.

Megan is feeling...

I'm feeling guilty, neurotic, anxious, confused, scared and who the hell knows what else. So much has gone down in the past few weeks and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it all; I am used to having answers and problem solving and being the person that can step outside of a situation and figure it out. Now I'm stuck, lost and confused about what is going to happen.

Let me recap the past couple of weeks:

Two weeks ago I went down to Delaware to be with Kristen and her family and being there showed me the strength of family and or the individual (her mom) who came out of surgery and was immediately telling jokes. That weekend I decided that, because I never want to be the reason the people I love experience that much sorrow and anxiety over me, I was going to quit smoking. So I had my last cigarette that Sunday and drove the two hours home not smoking at all and still have not had a cigarette.
Let me tell you that my dedication to this decision has probably made all the difference in the world. I don't crave a cigarette when I wake up or after eating or out of boredom or just because it has been ten minutes since my last one. I have lost the desire to smoke. It is amazing.

Moving on...
Kyle is home on leave before his deployment on the 5th. It's been an emotional time for the family as everyone comes to say goodbye and really begin to come to terms with his leaving us again. It's a difficult time and I find myself day-dreaming about having found an apartment so I wouldn't have to be around for this. Because did I mention that not only is my brother leaving oh yeah-my mother is a big cheater. I'm unsure of the exact terms of the affair, it may only be emotional, but that is still cheating. And I'm sorry but if there is something wrong or missing from a relationship-a MARRIAGE than you fucking sit and talk it out. You make it work or you end it. You don't lie, you don't cheat, you don't break your partners heart.

My father already suffers heavily from depression. He takes situations too seriously and somewhere in the back of his mind thinks that no one loves him and now with his son-who he looks at as his buddy, his friend, there is even some hero worship there-being shipped over seas for the next six months, and his wife who is cheating on him but says-things just got carried away and, I'm so sorry and regretful, and I think we can work past this (which by the way I think is very ballsy of her to say)-I really just don't think my dad can survive all of this. And it terrifies me. I want to hide his drugs, I want to dump his booze. I want to put him somewhere he can't hurt himself because I am so afraid for him. I think this might kill him.

I feel guilty because I do not want to be here anymore even though my father needs someone to turn to. I feel like I just don't want to have anything to do with it.

I feel fake because I told Kristen my secret and I think other people deserve to know but I'm feel selfish because I don't want to have those conversations.

I feel sad for my parents and for myself because where is the hope for me in a successful long term relationship if I based everything I know off of my parents and now all that shit is a lie.

I'm so angry yet understandable at the same time with my mother. How could she? How fucking could she do this to my father and then turn around and try to down play it the very next day. But I understand the kind of guy my father is and how there is probably a lot she cannot get from him. But that still doesn't make it OK to do what she did. But I feel dirty for finding some justification in all of it.

My heart is broken. My father was sitting in a corner in his room sobbing today. Completely broken. And right now as I write this my mother is in her nice warm bed while my father is sleeping on the couch. I feel like that's a little twisted.

What I am angry about most of all is the fact that, even though he does, Kyle isn't supposed to know what is going on. How the fuck do they expect me to be able to handle all of this on my own?? I am tempted to sit my mother down and ask for specific details because if I am the one that has to be here walking on eggshells and picking up the broken pieces I want to know all of what happened. And if she isn't willing to give me that much well then... I really don't want anything to do with her anymore.

It's just all so confusing. I wish I could put everything into words.

Still haven't smoked yet though.. that's got to count for something right??


love I guess..
meg

Sure hate to break down here..

I had a bit of a panic attack today as I was cleaning my room, generally I find it theraputic to throw stuff out-my room is so tiny that, occasionally, I start to get overwhelmed and feel trapped with the amount of crap in it so today was cleaning day and I just chucked a whole bunch of stuff. I moved on from my shelves to my closet and began the even harder undertaking of choosing what was worth it to keep and what was just sentimental crap that I needed to get rid of to move on and that's when I found the box. Ted's box. Filled with cards and a teddy bear and jewelery and watch that I gave him for his birthday that he gave back to me, through a friend, after we broke up. Well I taped that box up nicely with duct tape, put it to the side for burning later, and tried to figure out what to do with the watch, I decided to take a hammer to it and about five minutes ago you could find me (as my curious neighbors did) banging the shit out of that hundred and sixty dollar watch with a metal hammer over the sewar grate in the parking lot of my complex.

It was great, theraputic, a moment of growth! Pictures were taken and the moment was shared!

And then I broke down, freaked out, took a valium and hid in my room. Literally hid, behind my bed where no one could find me pulled up blogger and now here I am just waiting for the drugs to kick in before I have to go to work, pretend that I'm fine and, pretend that I care. When today I would rather curl up in a ball and hide from the world and pretend like I don't exist, pretend like the world doesn't exist.

I guess these past few weeks have just been stressful, tiring, full of unpleasant surprises; I guess that box was just the last straw that sent me over the edge.

I just really wish I didn't need to face the world today.
-meg.

I found this through stumble today and it broke my heart in a nice way. It's just a silly little story but it made my day.


Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"
We ALL need someone who Understands!


and this was just funny. enjoy!

for you and for me

He might be a bit of a creeper but the message in this song is amazing. I wish helping others and bringing peace to the world was as easy as letting this song affect you. Peace.

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