Past experience has shown me that distancing myself from a situation brings clarity. Camp three years ago gave me the space I needed to re-evaluate my relationship with Ted and to come to the conclusion that it was a pretty shitty situation that I needed to get out of. Camp this year showed me that I did not want to live in Long Island, that in fact it brought me a heavy cover of depression which I associated not only with the place but with Dan who was at the core of my life there. In the two weeks since I have returned home I have felt greater inner peace I attributed to being away from a place and situation but lately the depression has settled back over my life and I spend most of my day missing the one person that has brought me the greatest happiness and comfort for the past two years that I have ever had.

I was so desperate to be happy that I decided that everything about Long Island had to go. Now I am wondering why I ever wanted to break up with Dan. I think the reason was in the place, my attitude towards everything changed when I was there and I made it impossible to be happy with anything. But for the past two weeks I have fallen asleep waiting for him to come home and crawl into bed with me. Having him be the last person I talk to before I fall asleep is very comforting but only a consolation to the real thing.

I keep wishing for him to move back out here because I believe that we could have a real chance at something permanent in a place that is safe for myself. But I am terrified that I won't be satisfied with anything. I'm afraid that he won't be enough to keep me happy or content with life. I am afriad that I will grow up to be a miserable person who breaks down, who isn't satisfied, who lets depression rip apart my family. I don't want to bring that into his life because he means that much. I'm overwhelmed by how important he is to me. I feel like it must be too soon in my life, that it could never work, but at the same time I miss him every single day and things are just better when he is around. Is that insane? I want a magic eight ball to tell me what to do because I am just weighed down by all of the options.