Lighten up

So I started my second round of observations today at my very own elementary school. It was a heck of a lot of fun but it did kind of make me want to teach high school. But what I want to write about was something that my teacher said to me. I had her for the third and fifth grade so I felt comfortable with her but today she told me that she remembers me as being a solom, intense child that couldn't seem to lighten up about anything. I kind of laughed it off and said that yeah, and I haven't changed much either.

But I don't know, I thought about that all day. I mean, I know I'm sensitive and I know I keep to myself but to be told that I've always been like this? And it's funny because I ran into an old classmate maybe a month ago now who said the same thing to me! I remember being a tomboy and always thinking I was older than I was, and I remember never really being happy at any point in time, the third grade or now even... But it just doesn't sit well with me that I've always been this intense and unhappy.

I need to lighten up. Apparently I've never been able to, and I really don't think I even know how to. I try to stay out of confrontation and I try to laugh at myself but in my mind I always take it that one step foward and analyze every letter, sentence, and punctuation mark to find out what you are "really" saying to me. Haha, it can't be healthy.

But how does someone lighten up? I mean really. I get it that there is only one chance to live, only one chance to leave your mark. But I'm still beating myself up over shit that happened months or even years ago. And because I'm still kicking myself in the ass over those things, I'm trying very hard not to mess anything up anymore. And because I'm trying so hard not to mess anything up anymore, I'm not taking any risks. And without risks I don't think I'm having alot of fun, and I'm intense, and afraid to have fun and I just can't lighten up.

So this is an s.o.s to any of you readers out there.. the ones that I know and the ones that I don't. Please tell me how I can lighten up. Like the things that you know of me that you think prevent me from lightening up. The things that you think I personally need to do or could do to lighten up. Or the things you do. Because I really need some help from everyone, because I don't know how to.

Thanks guys.