This summer has been rough in a few ways, the children, the money, school and moving out have been taking a toll on my mind. It seems that children just aren't wha they use to be, every week I end up with a handfull of seriously nasty children and I can't help but think that parents really need to take a test before they go ahead and start making babies. Some of these children are just mean- they go out of their way to hurt others, physically and emotionally. They scare other children and just really seem to have some complex about being better than everyone else. And then you get the kids whose parents have them so drugged up on unnecessary adhd medicine that they walk around like zombies all day long. And it's a shame because these mean and messed up kids completely overshadow the nice, genuine kids that are really just a pleasure to have around. These mean kids make me think "birth control." Seriously.
I've been having a lot of car problems and by the end of today will have put over 800 dollars into my car in two weeks! It wouldn't seem so bad if I was still waitressing and bartending, 800 dollars is nothing then. But that is more than an entire two weeks salary at camp. I can't help but regret my decision to return to camp this year. I just can't afford living right now.
And I'm stressed out because right now I should be in Long Island looking for apartments but instead I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for my car to be done. It's just frustrating. Almost as frustrating as the whole school situation that got all fucked up and now I'm in a standstill waiting to see what is happening.
Camp isn't so horrible apart from the money aspect but it's like being on a permanent weekend when all the businesses are closed and you can't get anything done. It's near impossible to figure anything out when you are stuck in the middle of the woods.
But most of all I'm stressed because my heart is breaking for everyone around me. My best friends-who I guess I thought were too strong to let anything knock them down-seem to be breaking, and my heart is breaking with them. I feel like such an ass because all I can do is make a bad joke to get a little smile out of them. I use to be so good at giving advice and helping to find a solution but I feel like I'm tugging on a rope that isn't anchored to anything and I'm just falling. I just wish I could help them the way that they have always helped me, it makes me sad that I can't.
I don't know what else to say..
peace.
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