I don't even know where to begin tonight I'm sad and disappointed in most of the people I know whether they be friends or family and I've been finding myself pushing away from all of them because I don't want to be let down. Now I understand that not everyone will drop everything to drive four hours at three in the morning to help a friend but I'd like to know someone will drive twenty minutes to be there for me. Or that my friends will be happy for me no matter what I choose to do with my life. So maybe I'm exagerating with my reaction but I feel better pushing everyone away than keeping anyone close.

At the same time I miss having friends. I went out with two friends from highschool a few nights ago and they sat talking about a group of friends that I once belonged to. For whatever reason I was kind of pushed out of the group as we went through highschool and now I only talk to the two of them. These guys get together all the time; now I don't think I even like who any of them have become, but it makes me kind of sad that they decided they didn't want me to be a part of anymore. I feel kind of rejected. I kind of feel like this is happening with my now friends, and I want to push everyone away before they can kick me out, because that hurts too much.

But I guess we grow up and grow apart. We invest time in people and we gain bonds of love and trust, but as time goes by we change and we no longer like who are friends are and they become people that we will always love but can't find ourselves to trust with the important things anymore.

I don't know kids, I need time away from all of this. I can't wait to move, I'm afraid of being alone and ruining the best thing in my life right now, but I can't stand to be in this shit hole anymore.

I find it amazing that I could wake up one day and decide to quit smoking and two months later be smoke free. Amazing that I quit biting my nails, that I cut down on coffee, that I made a decision to treat my body better by eating better and exercising more. I've made big changes in my life in the past few months, figuring out school on my own and getting ready to move to a completely different state where I know one person. Huge changes. Huge life changing decisions. But what I find amazing out of all of this is how I still am not happy, how I'm still the miserable person I've been for as long as I remember.

I've never had a great deal of self esteem, not because I think that I'm a bad person because I don't think that. I honestly think I'm a good person but I don't think that I deserve good things. I think that there are millions of people that deserve good things and happiness before me. I couldn't figure this out for the life of me.

I always knew that I kept ending up in emotionally abusive relationships I guess I never really understood why. I can't remember one specific time when I was happy. I can't remember any of my childhood. I can't remember anything. Because I blocked it out, I blocked it all out. I was a miserable kid, and through lots of talking with the love of my life (yeah yeah) I've come to the conclusion that I had kind of an abusive childhood-not like physically but definitely emotionally. I was never the center of attention, in fact I was always made to feel like my brothers were somehow better than me-deserved more love, attention, whatever than me. I would fade into the background because I didn't think I deserved any attention. The only time I was the center of my parents day was when I was yelled at or blamed for whatever, when I was made the scape goat.

It's a God awful feeling. Feeling like you don't deserve love and it opened me up to dating older men. Men who were outgoing, charismatic, older (which meant wiser and could take care of me)and who had a lot of friend. I wanted inclusion and attention. I wanted to be a part of something-a disgusting desire that has messed with my life more than once. As it turns out all the guys I'm attracted to are actually assholes who I guess subconsciously I want to be with so that they can tell me I'm a piece of shit. (Yeah again with the self esteem.) Unfortunately for my subconscious and fortunately for me I found Dan. But that's not the point.

I don't want to be miserable anymore, it really hurts all day every day. I don't want to be angry with my parents for not knowing how to love their daughter. But I don't know how to move past all that and heal and be happy and like myself. I want to believe that I deserve good things like really believe it. But it is so damn hard and I just don't know how to. I don't know how to be happy.

I guess not the happiest post for the season. Meh.

I don't even know where to begin these past few weeks have been like a roller coaster of stress for me, so much so that I didn't even want to think about my problems let alone write about them. I finally got fed up with my school and decided to just show up at my adviser's office and sit outside her door until she saw me luckily she did see to me and I am registered for enough classes to get housing-something that has been stressing me out the most. Now I just need to be assigned housing

Other than that I guess there isn't a whole lot to talk about.. I haven't been inspired by much lately-just really angry at a lot of people for being unfair or selfish or just mean people. I'll tell you I'm really looking forward to going away to school and moving and getting away from these people and starting over and being able to decide who I want to deal with for myself. Definitely looking forward to a change.

Anyway that's all for now until I'm inspired by something.. love.