I don't even know where to begin tonight I'm sad and disappointed in most of the people I know whether they be friends or family and I've been finding myself pushing away from all of them because I don't want to be let down. Now I understand that not everyone will drop everything to drive four hours at three in the morning to help a friend but I'd like to know someone will drive twenty minutes to be there for me. Or that my friends will be happy for me no matter what I choose to do with my life. So maybe I'm exagerating with my reaction but I feel better pushing everyone away than keeping anyone close.

At the same time I miss having friends. I went out with two friends from highschool a few nights ago and they sat talking about a group of friends that I once belonged to. For whatever reason I was kind of pushed out of the group as we went through highschool and now I only talk to the two of them. These guys get together all the time; now I don't think I even like who any of them have become, but it makes me kind of sad that they decided they didn't want me to be a part of anymore. I feel kind of rejected. I kind of feel like this is happening with my now friends, and I want to push everyone away before they can kick me out, because that hurts too much.

But I guess we grow up and grow apart. We invest time in people and we gain bonds of love and trust, but as time goes by we change and we no longer like who are friends are and they become people that we will always love but can't find ourselves to trust with the important things anymore.

I don't know kids, I need time away from all of this. I can't wait to move, I'm afraid of being alone and ruining the best thing in my life right now, but I can't stand to be in this shit hole anymore.