So I figured I would try out a different blog because my other one has been invaded by campers. I'm hoping they don't find this one. Who knows if anyone will read this anyway. But I've just got to write and pretend that maybe someone might read this and pretend that maybe someone cares because I'm kind of just a mess right now.
I gave up my sobriety. A year and four months of it. And I was happy. But now I'm not so sure if I made the right choice. Maybe it's just because so much is going on and so much has changed since my little vacation at camp. I'm OK with my choice because I want to be normal and do things normal kids my age do-drink with friends, go to parties, hang out with people who are drinking even if I'm not. I like not feeling like there is something wrong with me.
But at the same time I think this might be a problem. I'm so torn in my own head because I still don't know what's real anymore and if I just think I have a problem because I did some drugs and went to meetings for so long that I just ended up brainwashed into believing that yeah I'm an addict. I don't know if I can do the social drinking, I was having such and episode yesterday that I actually had to pour myself a drink to calm down. That is not fucking normal.
I'm hurting so much because I came back from camp and now I don't have my boyfriend, I'm not going to meetings; I'm just burying myself in school work and trying to find a job as a waitress because I know that if I can just keep myself busy enough I can isolate and forget all my problems and convince myself that I, in fact, don't have any problems at all.
I don't know if I'm an addict. I guess I never worked a first step well enough. Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac and assume I have problems. I was even accused once of not being a true recovering addict and that I was just playing a role to fit in somewhere. I don't know about that but what if that's really what I've been doing for the past year and a half?
I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask for help. I'm afraid to keep living the way I'm living. I'm afraid this will escalate into more even though I don't ever want to do dope again. And I've got these things called pride and ego that won't allow me to get help again if it was offered. I'm just so messed up and hurt and lost and confused.
always.
meg
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1 comment:
first of all, keep writing and do not ever stop. that is the first step in feeling better about things..your life, your specific situations.. writing is the best, even if you don't consider yourself a "writer".
second.. i know it must be hard to not be able to categorize yourself... however, think of it like this. you considered yourself addicted once, correct? like, absolutely addicted. and now .. you've chosen not to be addicted anymore. i don't see how anyone can dispute the fact that you call yourself a recovering addict. it's plain and simple, and some people need to realize that criticizing people for how they define themselves is a pretty fucked up thing to do. how can anyone but ourselves do that? people will talk. people always talk. i say, let them wonder... it's not their business in the first place, and second- the only person who should care about knowing anything is our own selves.
i don't want you to feel so sad, it makes me feel very helpless when i'm 10 hours away...
i love you a lot, and keep hugging dewey.
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