The world will laugh a little less.

This morning my dad's best friend Wayne died. Wayne was one of the funniest guys to ever walk this planet-always getting into some kind of mischief. He had a great presence about him in sheer size and personality. He was diagnosed with stage four non small cell lung cancer a few months back, by that point it was just a matter of months. But I didn't expect to hear it today. I am just crushed. Wayne was the guy that, god forbid, anything should happen to my own father would be walking me down the aisle. He's the one that when my parents are gone and my car breaks down, comes out at eight in the morning to diagnose the problem. He's the one always cracking jokes and keeping moral up. I think he just got too tired. If you had the chance to meet him, you've been blessed; if you never got that chance then you missed out on something really great and once in a life time.

God Bless Mister Wayne Miller. The world will be laughing a little less without you in it.

SE#5

So in response to cops LTLYM posts I've decided to do self-esteem guided writing post here when I don't have anything to write about. I have, and have always had, a very low self esteem. In previous posts I've written about not being a happy kid or having people tell me they thought I was miserable. So a few months ago I bought "The self-esteem guided journal: a ten week program" by Matthew McKay. I did four enteries and then kind of forgot about the whole project. Buuuut I hate myself so much I'm going to keep up on it here.

So day five says, "Nonjudgment with parents and Relatives. Today we're asking you to focus your efforts on parents and other relatives. Think about and visualize your parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and other members of your family. Try to hold and image of each person in your mind. As you focus on each family member, be aware of their traits, tendencies and anything significant you know about their history. Now make a real effort to see that person withough judgment, without any thoughts of good or bad. Explore in your journal how this exercise feels and what it's like attempting to shift your fovus from judgment to acceptance."

I'm not too sure how to go about doing this, so little numbers are going to have to do. I think I'll leave the hardest for last but I'm going to keep this relatively short.

1. Kyle- My brother Kyle is my best friend we used to never get along but when he went away to boot camp we got very close. He breaks my heart though because he is that nice guy that always gets the raw end of the deal. I think he is the easiest one to see in a non-judging way because I would do anything for him in a heartbeat. Whenever he is upset or something is going on in his life I have no problem just accepting it for what it is and helping him work through it in the best way I can. Thoughts about him making the "wrong" decision or anything like that don't enter my mind when it comes to Kyle.
2. Ken- My other brother, Ken is a little harder not to judge because he is different from your typical 27 year old. I accept him because he is my brother and we grew up together. It's a little harder not to think of him as a dork or, as I affectionately call him, the missing link when he gets excited about going to a concert showcasing his favorite video game music.
3. Mom- I have never been able to get into my mother's head. And I will never understand what ever compelled her to do some of the things she has done in the past. She is hard to accept because I grew up thinking everyone else's mom was a lot more affectionate than my own. Maybe she just isn't that kind of person. But it's hard to think outside the stereotypes of what "mom" is and accept that that is just not who my mom is.
   
4. Uncle Jimmy- This is tough. My uncle Jimmy died two summers ago. He basically drank himself to death. Out of all of my aunts and uncles I was closer to him and my Aunt Robin because I babysat their daughter, my cousin Maddie from pretty much the day she was born until 2007 when I got a higher paying job. You never expect divorce or alcoholism or death to disrupt a small family so quickly. It broke my heart hearing Maddie ask for daddy. And for a long time I was angry at Jimmy for leaving his daughter like that. But now two years later Maddy is growing up so quickly and involved in so many things that the lose of her father has not restricted her in anyway. And there is my acceptance for Jimmy. My time in the rooms showed me that some people just cannot handle life. Some people just don't want to get better or are afraid to try. Jimmy was one of them. I still think it's unfair that he's gone, but I find a little more acceptance every time I talk about it
5. Dad- Dad is another tough one because even though we lived in the same house my whole life, he just wasn't around. He seemed more interested playing with the boys than interacting with his daughter. I don't think I've ever gotten over that and I think it may have fucked me up more than it should have/needed to/I thought. On top of this my dad suffers from depression and has for as long as I can remember. The sound of his depressed sighs never meant anything good for the sound level in my house. If you know of the events of late last year you know why I think my dad is just pathetic, and now he has cancer and I don't know if I take that back. No, I do not think he could survive this on his own without going insane, but I still don't know how much I think he should have stayed with her after all that. My dad is tough and maybe the hardest to just accept because I am a lot like him and lord knows I can't accept myself.

Accepting people especially family for who they are is tough because I want them to be how I want them to be or how I think they should be or how society thinks they should be. And it's crazy to me to see how differently I turned out compared to all of them and still be able to accept who they are at the end of the day.
Non judgement is a hard thing huh..

Skin.

I'm going home to Jersey on Sunday morning afternoon for my father's surgery. And I'm starting to feel a little anxious. I understand that prostate cancer is very curable and this surgery is probably one of those "whatever" kind of procedures so I don't think it's the surgery that I'm nervous about exactly I think it's more so the drama.

That's probably selfish. Fucked up.

But I just hate drama and I love love my father but I don't want to go home to a pity party. I want to show support and I want to be there to give him a hug before the procedure and I want my mom to have someone to lean on. I don't want anyone to talk about my dad having cancer, or the months of recovery, or the long term effects.

Being there for other people seems a lot easier than being there for myself. I have no problems showing up for someone else. Dealing with another family, mine just frustrates me to no end, so while I'd like to stay there forever and help out with anything, three days sounds long enough to me.

I wonder if that makes me a sucky person?