Hate

I'm so filled with hate and disappointment now. These are really hard emotions for me, especially hate. I'm the girl that apologized when I was cheated on, tried to make an abusive relationship work; I'm the girl that forgives everyone. I try to make all of my relationships work out and last, I try to make everyone involved happy but it seems that it's just not meant to be. I haven't spoken to my brother or he hasn't spoken to me, take your pick, since Christmas when I texted him. Things are just so terrible between us. Between my brother and myself, between someone who at one point I considered my best friend. His wife just hates me, for lack of understanding of the inner workings of her psychotic mind, so he finds it simpler to ignore the situation (or just ignore me) than deal with going against her I guess.

But they're building a fucking house together and she writes on his wall about moving past all the negativity in their life and build upon their family together, just the two of them.

And it just hurts so fucking much. It hurts. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about missing out on my brother's life. Just as how not a single day goes by that I don't daydream about bashing her face into the wall. What she has done to me, my family, my brother-everything she has done is just unforgivable. She will never be welcomed where I am, and I hope one day she understands the gravity of what she has done and I hope she falls down having collapsed under the weight of my broken family and my broken heart. I hope she knows that she made me hate her. I hope she understands one day that when I asked about reaching out to her it wasn't with malicious intent but it was with a desire to include her into my family. I hope she regrets what she has done.

And I hope that he can comprehend the severity of his indifference. Because now instead of just frustration, hurt feelings and incredibility at the whole situation, I'm carrying around hate. And it just weighs so heavily on me that I don't feel as if I can reach out to my brother out of fear of her intervention. I don't even feel as if I want to reach out to him anymore. He took a good thing, the love of his family and threw it away as unimportant and insignificant. I suppose I should have figured looking back at the trend of our relationship and how I was never anyone he spent time with unless he was single or heartbroken. What was I doing thinking that we could possibly continue any semblance of a relationship once he got married.

It just hurts so much and I don't want to be ugly but I can find no happiness to wish towards either of them, no forgiveness to offer and no desire to let him (or her, clearly) anywhere near my personal life again. Isn't that sad?