Generally I find it difficult to put thoughts into words. I irritate myself when I stutter and stumble over my tongue in a rush to make sense of the jumble in my head. The feelings and emotions are so strong and primal that nothing can come close to being a definition. I'm sure many can understand that feeling whether being put on the spot or in an argument and afterwards the perfect thing to say, the perfect turn of phrase is illuminated in the mind and you kick yourself for not being clever enough at the time to say it in the moment. Because the moment is gone and it's not coming back, but you hold onto that witty remark hoping to put it to use as something so clever and true should never die.

I've had 14 days now of nothing to do. School let out for the semester and I'm only working on the weekends. I'm losing my mind. I should go to the gym-but who actually wants to do that. I should work on the quilts for the babies-I'm a failure at sewing. I should spend quality time with the man-yeah maybe if he would finally get his shit together and stop being a deadbeat. I'd like to give myself a pat on the back for being as patient and understanding as I have been for the past month it's quite unlike me to tolerate the lackadaisical approach he's had towards daily life, our relationship, his future. I mean it's no skin off my back if he doesn't amount to anything. But I hate putting in that time into something so pathetic. Shit I'd rather be studying.

And considering I spent the last 4 months with my nose in a book for at least 4 hours a day (excluding Sundays, it is a day of rest after all) that's a pretty sorry state of affairs. But I will say, nursing school has been something else. While speaking with a friend the other night he told me how admirable it was that I was thinking about working in a trauma center when school is (finally) done. He confessed to not being able to stand the sight of blood other than his own and wouldn't have a clue how to react if he saw bone. I'll tell ya, you get used to it. Shrug it off. Compare it on the grossness scale to the last one you saw. Very importantly learn how to breath. I'd rather be studying because it was productive, an active contribution to society, hell I might just go ahead and change the world some day. A very intoxicating state of affairs when compared to someone bitching about how mommy and daddy owe them this or that.

I hate to be a downer but I'd rather feel eloquent here (who reads this anyway?) than stutter along in the real world waiting for that perfect moment to drop the one phrase I've practiced in front of the mirror 6 times with nothing to back it up without proper preparation. Hell at least I dropped an SAT word or two.