So that last post about being a silly little girl with a really big heart... yeah. Turns out that's what I am. And it makes me sick. Physically sick.

It's not fair. I'm just so defeated.

Matt flew me out to vegas. I was amazed-the tickets and the room in all was $750. He told me, assured me that I didn't know how much I meant to him. How much he just wanted to see me before he left for deployment.
But he spent the whole time texting his ex. And maybe it's lame but I checked his phone. It was filled with texts about how much he loves and her misses her and how things are going to be ok. And pictures. Of her.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.
And he tells me how much he cares about me.
And he lies.
And lies.
And he fucking lies to my face.
Again.
And Again.

And I believed it. Every single word. I knew what was going on wasn't right but I believed it.

I called my brother-they're pretty tight. And he said he saw this coming, because he knew Matt wasn't over his ex. He knew that I'm a sweet girl with a really big heart and he knew that Matt was just looking for a quick fix.
Matt was planning on proposing to his ex this summer.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.

I'm so fucking dumb. I'm blind and I let this happen again and again and again. I don't fucking learn. I just get hurt.

And I'm fucking lame because I have a guy here at home that enjoys seeing me. And I love spending time with him. He's sweet. He's funny. He cares about me. Oh yeah.. he's still fucking married. I mean he has the divorce papers but seriously. I really know how to pick them. And yet I know I'll stick with him until he decides I'm not worth it too. I can see the story's end but I'm going to read it anyway.

Why do people think I'm smart and that I have answers. I can't even deal with my own shit why do people trust me with theirs?

I can't fucking stand myself.
I'm just sick of me.

Life was so much easier two years ago. When the only thing that mattered was the heroin. I'm not saying I want to go back to that. Because I don't, but that lifestyle seems to seductive right now.

I just want to be numb.