Some days I'm a hopeless romantic. And I day dream about someone dropping all that they have just to be with me. I imagine being swept off my feet and proposed to in a movie-kind of way.

Some days I'm ok with being alone. I enjoy the freedom of not being responsible for anyone else. And I enjoy the freedom of not feeling guilty about pushing my insanity on someone else.

Some days I'm the loneliest person that's ever lived. I think of how undesireable I am. I think of all the happy couples around me and I think of how I'll never have that. On those days I usually cry. A lot.

Some days I just want to be used. I want to feel like I'm desired enough by someone to just be used for a hour or so. Because I don't think anyone will ever want me. So that hour is a decent amount of time for me.

I drive myself crazy though-I over analyze everything. I can't seem to allow myself to just let shit go long enough to be happy or look at it realistically. And I don't know why that is. I don't know why I can't just be happy on my own. This is the first day in a few weeks that I haven't been fucked up on something. And the only reason I'm not is because I can't stand the dreams I have when I'm high. I usually don't remember my dreams but since I started getting high in earnest again and since I stopped smoking-these dreams are just terrible. They are so sad. Because everything is ok in the dream and everything is perfect. And I'm happy.
But then I wake up.
And I have to cry myself to sleep. Because nothing is ok and nothing is perfect and I'm not happy.

And it's not anyones fault.
no ones.
not bush. not the guy at the gas station. not my boss at work. not the jerk at table twenty. not my best friend. not my family.
I'm just broken.

And for a while I had a band-aid on. And I was "ok." And I got awefully good at putting a smile on my face and pretending. But the band-aid fell off and the wound ripped open.
And I'm broken again.

I'm sorry this is so miserable. I don't mean to bring anyone down. It's not important anyway.