I think it's funny that I need to be told to think nice things about myself. Dan actually gave me a homework assignment to write down one thing I like about myself. He told me that I needed to be able to look into the mirror and not hate what I thought I saw. And you know what I heard from that whole conversation? Yeah I heard what he was saying to me, but what I really heard were my own insecurities saying that I'm a stupid child playing grown up games. In my mind I'm just not good enough for anything and I feel like I'm obligated to let other people know that I'm not good enough for them either.
They never believe me. Not ever. And then I let them down and they act suprised. I don't get it.
And then I went and told Dan what I did at the bookstore the other day-yeah I legit spent twenty minutes looking for "the book" that would make me happy. I'm lame I know. But seriously I had this hope that I would be able to find that 200 page book that would fix me. And you know what he told me then? That I was trying to find something to fix me from the outside-in when really I needed to be fixed from the inside-out.
And when he said that I felt so lost. It was just like being hit in the face with lost-ness, if that's even a word. I'm so lost in my life right now.
And I just need to get this out for any of you that remember the Pauline story-long story short she was the new girlfriend of an ex boyfriend. I had called him on his birthday and she flipped the fuck out on me and made death threats and whatnot. Fucking scary shit-went to the cops about it and everything.
Well Ms. Pauline showed up at work today and sat at the bar and had a little chat with, of all people, Dan about how there was someone that worked there that she wanted to beat the shit out of at one point, but that she was over it now. And then she started listing people who she knew that worked there.
Now.. Dan didn't find it important to tell me that there was someone there that knew me and used to have a desire to beat someone up that worked there, until we were off of work. And let me tell you-I have all this anger coming back full force.
Like, when this shit went down I was still in the program. And I HAD to get over it. Like did all this fucking step work bullshit to work through it. I guess I didn't do it right because now I am just angry. I am so angry and just fantasizing about this bitch hitting me so that I could just pound her fucking face in.
Man I am so angry.
I'm so twisted. I'm sick. I need help. I really do.
Because you know what? Now I'm on the verge of tears. Because I'm day dreaming about when I'm 21 and Dan promising to a. mix me my first legal drink and b. be there to kiss me on my 21 (and yes I understand that it is a year and a fucking half away, that just makes me all the more crazy) but I'm thinking about how tonight he told me that he would never ever serve me. And you know what I just see myself at a bar on my 21st birthday looking for a pinky promise to be kept, crying my eyes out because I'm not getting what I want.
And I'm getting upset thinking about it. Thinking about being let down.
It's not like it would be the first time.
It would just be one more time of me 1. not getting what I want and 2. being disappointed.
And I don't know why I let it affect me soo much. Really I mean you think I would learn.
And I know I'm insane and I know I need to get my shit together.
But I don't know how and I need help. I need a lot of help. How am I supposed to be happy. I'm so depressed and I think really it's a defense mechanism because you can't upset me if I'm already upset.
But guess what?
I'm tired of being such a miserable fucking human being with no concept of self worth, no self esteem, no nothing. And I'm tired of that.
I want to be a happy person but I really don't know how. I don't want to depend on anyone else to make me happy. I just want me to be happy on my own terms.
How do I make that happen?
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1 comment:
I think you know that right now you are on the edge of instability. with life, and with yourself. and looking back, the time that I saw you as the most stable, and most "happy" was when you were in the program. and it had NOTHING to do with the man/men in your life. it was stability in your life, and through that you learned how to be stable emotionally and mentally. And I completely understand if you don't want to go back there (even though it is designed for people who chose to return through those open doors)...but maybe there is some other place you could find the stability and healthy problem-solving skills that the program gave you. Just a thought. you could even consider it a suggestion.
you still have that book too...don't forget about that, and keep writing in it.
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