How to be happy.

I think it's funny that I need to be told to think nice things about myself. Dan actually gave me a homework assignment to write down one thing I like about myself. He told me that I needed to be able to look into the mirror and not hate what I thought I saw. And you know what I heard from that whole conversation? Yeah I heard what he was saying to me, but what I really heard were my own insecurities saying that I'm a stupid child playing grown up games. In my mind I'm just not good enough for anything and I feel like I'm obligated to let other people know that I'm not good enough for them either.

They never believe me. Not ever. And then I let them down and they act suprised. I don't get it.
And then I went and told Dan what I did at the bookstore the other day-yeah I legit spent twenty minutes looking for "the book" that would make me happy. I'm lame I know. But seriously I had this hope that I would be able to find that 200 page book that would fix me. And you know what he told me then? That I was trying to find something to fix me from the outside-in when really I needed to be fixed from the inside-out.

And when he said that I felt so lost. It was just like being hit in the face with lost-ness, if that's even a word. I'm so lost in my life right now.

And I just need to get this out for any of you that remember the Pauline story-long story short she was the new girlfriend of an ex boyfriend. I had called him on his birthday and she flipped the fuck out on me and made death threats and whatnot. Fucking scary shit-went to the cops about it and everything.

Well Ms. Pauline showed up at work today and sat at the bar and had a little chat with, of all people, Dan about how there was someone that worked there that she wanted to beat the shit out of at one point, but that she was over it now. And then she started listing people who she knew that worked there.

Now.. Dan didn't find it important to tell me that there was someone there that knew me and used to have a desire to beat someone up that worked there, until we were off of work. And let me tell you-I have all this anger coming back full force.

Like, when this shit went down I was still in the program. And I HAD to get over it. Like did all this fucking step work bullshit to work through it. I guess I didn't do it right because now I am just angry. I am so angry and just fantasizing about this bitch hitting me so that I could just pound her fucking face in.
Man I am so angry.

I'm so twisted. I'm sick. I need help. I really do.
Because you know what? Now I'm on the verge of tears. Because I'm day dreaming about when I'm 21 and Dan promising to a. mix me my first legal drink and b. be there to kiss me on my 21 (and yes I understand that it is a year and a fucking half away, that just makes me all the more crazy) but I'm thinking about how tonight he told me that he would never ever serve me. And you know what I just see myself at a bar on my 21st birthday looking for a pinky promise to be kept, crying my eyes out because I'm not getting what I want.

And I'm getting upset thinking about it. Thinking about being let down.
It's not like it would be the first time.
It would just be one more time of me 1. not getting what I want and 2. being disappointed.

And I don't know why I let it affect me soo much. Really I mean you think I would learn.
And I know I'm insane and I know I need to get my shit together.
But I don't know how and I need help. I need a lot of help. How am I supposed to be happy. I'm so depressed and I think really it's a defense mechanism because you can't upset me if I'm already upset.

But guess what?
I'm tired of being such a miserable fucking human being with no concept of self worth, no self esteem, no nothing. And I'm tired of that.
I want to be a happy person but I really don't know how. I don't want to depend on anyone else to make me happy. I just want me to be happy on my own terms.
How do I make that happen?

Today I'm...


Disgusted with myself for being to co-dependant and needy.
For seeing stupid chick flicks and getting myself upset.
For thinking no one will ever love me except for the fucking 45 year old man.
Cool huh?
And every thought of him makes me queezy. Every time I find something of his or that belongs to him I actually want to throw up and give myself to a hazmat team to clean. I hate it.
And i don't want to live with regrets but even writing this I has a sneer on my face.
And I can't stand it.
And I'm over him and wondering if I made the right choice.
Because I did.

But it makes me sad that no one will love me the way he did.
And really I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for commitment.
I was just kind of hoping that I could find just one person without baggage.

Just one person that actually wanted me.
Not my 19 year old body.
Not my bubbly personality.
Not my existance to help them get over someone else.

I just want someone to want me.

I guess I'm just in one of those moods again.
<3

Today I am happy.

Actually happy.

Not a drug induced, co-dependant, someone made my day kind of happy.

Just happy and at peace with my life. Because I guess I'm not such a terrible person after all.

And even though I might hate myself again tomorrow, I thought it might be healthy to let someone know that for today I'm ok with myself.

The end.
<3

Some days I'm a hopeless romantic. And I day dream about someone dropping all that they have just to be with me. I imagine being swept off my feet and proposed to in a movie-kind of way.

Some days I'm ok with being alone. I enjoy the freedom of not being responsible for anyone else. And I enjoy the freedom of not feeling guilty about pushing my insanity on someone else.

Some days I'm the loneliest person that's ever lived. I think of how undesireable I am. I think of all the happy couples around me and I think of how I'll never have that. On those days I usually cry. A lot.

Some days I just want to be used. I want to feel like I'm desired enough by someone to just be used for a hour or so. Because I don't think anyone will ever want me. So that hour is a decent amount of time for me.

I drive myself crazy though-I over analyze everything. I can't seem to allow myself to just let shit go long enough to be happy or look at it realistically. And I don't know why that is. I don't know why I can't just be happy on my own. This is the first day in a few weeks that I haven't been fucked up on something. And the only reason I'm not is because I can't stand the dreams I have when I'm high. I usually don't remember my dreams but since I started getting high in earnest again and since I stopped smoking-these dreams are just terrible. They are so sad. Because everything is ok in the dream and everything is perfect. And I'm happy.
But then I wake up.
And I have to cry myself to sleep. Because nothing is ok and nothing is perfect and I'm not happy.

And it's not anyones fault.
no ones.
not bush. not the guy at the gas station. not my boss at work. not the jerk at table twenty. not my best friend. not my family.
I'm just broken.

And for a while I had a band-aid on. And I was "ok." And I got awefully good at putting a smile on my face and pretending. But the band-aid fell off and the wound ripped open.
And I'm broken again.

I'm sorry this is so miserable. I don't mean to bring anyone down. It's not important anyway.

ps. i'm too miserable to be allowed.

So I've decided I'm the most pathetic person that's ever lived.
Reasons. . .
1. I'm so nice to everyone that all I get is walked all over. Like I'd do anything for anyone but there are very few people who would drop what they are doing to help me out. But unfortunately they all live at least two hours away most of the time. That's cool huh?
2. I'm so lonely. Deep down so very lonely. And I tell myself that I don't need a relationship to make me happy. But I keep ending up in one anyway. And I tell myself I'm ok. And I play this little game about how many people I can please in one day. And it's a fun game and I convince myself that if I people-please I'll Megan-please.
3. And about the previously mentioned relationships. . . I have the shitty-est timing for anything. I mean seriously-Ted. Pretty awesome but oh wait he was 45 with 3 kids. Yeah that was destined to fail. Matt. Haha right. I was just a piece of ass to him. I must give him credit though. I never saw it coming. Dan. Amazing? yeah. Puts up with my insanity. Is learning to understand me. But wait! Technically he's still married. And oh yeah he's moving away. See a theme? Yeah. I think God is trying to tell me something. Like "you're destined to be alone."
4. I'm just a miserable person and all I do anymore is cry.
5. I'm so lame.

whatever.

So that last post about being a silly little girl with a really big heart... yeah. Turns out that's what I am. And it makes me sick. Physically sick.

It's not fair. I'm just so defeated.

Matt flew me out to vegas. I was amazed-the tickets and the room in all was $750. He told me, assured me that I didn't know how much I meant to him. How much he just wanted to see me before he left for deployment.
But he spent the whole time texting his ex. And maybe it's lame but I checked his phone. It was filled with texts about how much he loves and her misses her and how things are going to be ok. And pictures. Of her.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.
And he tells me how much he cares about me.
And he lies.
And lies.
And he fucking lies to my face.
Again.
And Again.

And I believed it. Every single word. I knew what was going on wasn't right but I believed it.

I called my brother-they're pretty tight. And he said he saw this coming, because he knew Matt wasn't over his ex. He knew that I'm a sweet girl with a really big heart and he knew that Matt was just looking for a quick fix.
Matt was planning on proposing to his ex this summer.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.

I'm so fucking dumb. I'm blind and I let this happen again and again and again. I don't fucking learn. I just get hurt.

And I'm fucking lame because I have a guy here at home that enjoys seeing me. And I love spending time with him. He's sweet. He's funny. He cares about me. Oh yeah.. he's still fucking married. I mean he has the divorce papers but seriously. I really know how to pick them. And yet I know I'll stick with him until he decides I'm not worth it too. I can see the story's end but I'm going to read it anyway.

Why do people think I'm smart and that I have answers. I can't even deal with my own shit why do people trust me with theirs?

I can't fucking stand myself.
I'm just sick of me.

Life was so much easier two years ago. When the only thing that mattered was the heroin. I'm not saying I want to go back to that. Because I don't, but that lifestyle seems to seductive right now.

I just want to be numb.