I don't even know where to begin tonight I'm sad and disappointed in most of the people I know whether they be friends or family and I've been finding myself pushing away from all of them because I don't want to be let down. Now I understand that not everyone will drop everything to drive four hours at three in the morning to help a friend but I'd like to know someone will drive twenty minutes to be there for me. Or that my friends will be happy for me no matter what I choose to do with my life. So maybe I'm exagerating with my reaction but I feel better pushing everyone away than keeping anyone close.

At the same time I miss having friends. I went out with two friends from highschool a few nights ago and they sat talking about a group of friends that I once belonged to. For whatever reason I was kind of pushed out of the group as we went through highschool and now I only talk to the two of them. These guys get together all the time; now I don't think I even like who any of them have become, but it makes me kind of sad that they decided they didn't want me to be a part of anymore. I feel kind of rejected. I kind of feel like this is happening with my now friends, and I want to push everyone away before they can kick me out, because that hurts too much.

But I guess we grow up and grow apart. We invest time in people and we gain bonds of love and trust, but as time goes by we change and we no longer like who are friends are and they become people that we will always love but can't find ourselves to trust with the important things anymore.

I don't know kids, I need time away from all of this. I can't wait to move, I'm afraid of being alone and ruining the best thing in my life right now, but I can't stand to be in this shit hole anymore.

I find it amazing that I could wake up one day and decide to quit smoking and two months later be smoke free. Amazing that I quit biting my nails, that I cut down on coffee, that I made a decision to treat my body better by eating better and exercising more. I've made big changes in my life in the past few months, figuring out school on my own and getting ready to move to a completely different state where I know one person. Huge changes. Huge life changing decisions. But what I find amazing out of all of this is how I still am not happy, how I'm still the miserable person I've been for as long as I remember.

I've never had a great deal of self esteem, not because I think that I'm a bad person because I don't think that. I honestly think I'm a good person but I don't think that I deserve good things. I think that there are millions of people that deserve good things and happiness before me. I couldn't figure this out for the life of me.

I always knew that I kept ending up in emotionally abusive relationships I guess I never really understood why. I can't remember one specific time when I was happy. I can't remember any of my childhood. I can't remember anything. Because I blocked it out, I blocked it all out. I was a miserable kid, and through lots of talking with the love of my life (yeah yeah) I've come to the conclusion that I had kind of an abusive childhood-not like physically but definitely emotionally. I was never the center of attention, in fact I was always made to feel like my brothers were somehow better than me-deserved more love, attention, whatever than me. I would fade into the background because I didn't think I deserved any attention. The only time I was the center of my parents day was when I was yelled at or blamed for whatever, when I was made the scape goat.

It's a God awful feeling. Feeling like you don't deserve love and it opened me up to dating older men. Men who were outgoing, charismatic, older (which meant wiser and could take care of me)and who had a lot of friend. I wanted inclusion and attention. I wanted to be a part of something-a disgusting desire that has messed with my life more than once. As it turns out all the guys I'm attracted to are actually assholes who I guess subconsciously I want to be with so that they can tell me I'm a piece of shit. (Yeah again with the self esteem.) Unfortunately for my subconscious and fortunately for me I found Dan. But that's not the point.

I don't want to be miserable anymore, it really hurts all day every day. I don't want to be angry with my parents for not knowing how to love their daughter. But I don't know how to move past all that and heal and be happy and like myself. I want to believe that I deserve good things like really believe it. But it is so damn hard and I just don't know how to. I don't know how to be happy.

I guess not the happiest post for the season. Meh.

I don't even know where to begin these past few weeks have been like a roller coaster of stress for me, so much so that I didn't even want to think about my problems let alone write about them. I finally got fed up with my school and decided to just show up at my adviser's office and sit outside her door until she saw me luckily she did see to me and I am registered for enough classes to get housing-something that has been stressing me out the most. Now I just need to be assigned housing

Other than that I guess there isn't a whole lot to talk about.. I haven't been inspired by much lately-just really angry at a lot of people for being unfair or selfish or just mean people. I'll tell you I'm really looking forward to going away to school and moving and getting away from these people and starting over and being able to decide who I want to deal with for myself. Definitely looking forward to a change.

Anyway that's all for now until I'm inspired by something.. love.

Just to live one day in those shoes..

I look to the people around me for inspiration. I look to them for guidance. And I look to the people around me for hope. There is one person in particular that I have always looked up to, who has so many qualities that I aspire to have. She is my neighbor and my cousin’s mother-in-law, and probably one of the most selfless people I have ever had the good fortune to know.

She was there for my family to help organize nearly everything when my uncle died a few years back; she is always around when I need a second opinion or some advice on life; and she seems to always be ready and willing when you need a favor. She is who I think of when I think of a good person or someone I wish to be like.

I want to have the reputation she does-I want to be the person that people call when they need a favor. I want to be the house that neighbors visit when they need a friendly ear. I want to be the person that can walk around and everyone is happy to see them. I just want to be the good person that she is. I don’t want to be famous or powerful or anything like that; I want to be the person that is just as important as the rich famous and powerful, to the few lives that they touch on a day-t0-day basis.

Breath

I'm happy to say that life is back to the way it is supposed to be and that I am breathing again.

Last week was really tough and I don't know if the fact that my brother is "on vacation" has really hit me yet; the goodbye was kind of abrupt: a hug and a kiss and then he was walking away. I guess I just figured he was coming back for a few more minutes or something. But he was just gone. The abruptness is really still kind of shocking but I understand having things to do and not wanting to stick around for a twenty minute sob fest.

But today I went back to work for a double shift and it was really actually nice just to be back in my stride at work of kissing peoples asses, bull shitting with my co-workers and just doing anything to keep myself busy and pass the time as quickly as possible.

Having breakfast and spending time with the boy after work helped to bring normalacy back a lot as well. I really missed that kid. Man. Whatever.

OK so I quit smoking and biting my nails about a month ago now. Now it's on to step two-losing some weight and getting into better shape. I wish it wasn't getting so cold out running in the cold is the worst. My reason for this is because I feel like if I keep doing nice things for myself ie: treating my body better I might start feeling better about myself.

Because I'm super tired of being forgotten, letting myself get put down, and hating myself. I want to be someone worth being, and worth being proud of.

That's all for now I'm too tired to write anymore.

Love.

4 hours..

In three hours my brother will getting changed into his cammies putting his boots on and doing one last mental check to make sure everything is in order.

In three and a half hours we will be in the car driving to Littl.e C.reak Nav.al Base to drop Kyle off on that base with his unit.

In four hours we will be saying goodbye, getting one last hug and kiss before we watch him grab his gear and walk away from us for probably eight months.

I think I'm starting to feel the sadness, it's creeping in and grabbing onto my heart.

It's been a stressful day for everyone, Kyle didn't sleep last night because he was stressing and anxious completely understandable. We ran some errands together and tried to keep the mood light singing songs, joking around, and finding random funny videos on you.tube. It's tough because we've known this was coming for months, this entire year has been leading up to this one day for us and now that it is here Kyle and I both agree that we just wish it was Friday. Friday means that he'll be in country and I'll be back to my normal life.

Friday means breathing again. And I cannot wait.

Three hours thirty eight minutes...

Update

For anyone that cares and doesn't know, I am down in Virginia with my mother and father visiting with Kyle before we have to say goodbye Wednesday at midnight for 6-8 months.

I feel as if my lungs are constricted and refusing to allow oxygen into my body. These past two nights have been sleepless and I have been on the verge of panic each time I lay down in my bed (which by the way I am terrified of sleeping in places that aren't camp. I don't even feel safe sleeping in my own bed at home) I can't swallow and my muscles are tense and making me jumpy at every little movement or sound. I'm falling rapidly towards a breakdown and I just can't slow anything down.

I want to slow down the time that we have to spend with Kyle so that everyone can relax and enjoy the moment instead of making this week uncomfortable-like my father has. He is constantly on edge and letting everyone know how miserable he is and his attitude is not making this trip a memory he's making it a chore. He is making my brother uncomfortable and me wish desperately for Friday when we will have said goodbye and be back in Jersey. I think it is so unfortunate that that is where my mind is at; unfortunate that I am not thinking that every day is a gift that I just want to be back to my normal life of working, reading, and Dan.

I want to be angry with my parents for the shit that they put each other, themselves and me through in the past couple of weeks. I want to be angry at my father for not realizing that it is not all about him that his son might be leaving for 6-8 months but my best friend is leaving for that long too. I want to shout, "how dare you take this away from me?! How dare you act so pathetic?!"

How dare he?

How dare I be this angry during such a time. Every single day is a gift and I'm taking them for granted and I'm miserable and I'm crying and I'm panicking and maybe I think I might be making this all about me. I so badly want to return my life to the normalcy of Jersey where day after day is the same thing where I'm not stuck in a hotel room counting down the hours until I can escape from my parents and the impending breakdown.

I want to be able to breath again.