Butterfly

I wonder, quite often, how different my life would have been if I had been more outgoing or had friends in high school, you know-if I had been popular. I wonder if maybe I’d have 700 pictures on facebook from all the times my friends wanted to snap a picture of us; I wonder if I’d be prettier, skinnier, more capable. I’m not deluded I know having crazy outgoing friends or playing a sport or having all those pictures on facebook doesn’t guarantee happiness or good looks. I know that it is just silly to think that the popular life is blessed with shitting gold. But I’ve always felt left out.

I look at my roommate and her friend and they are just so involved with life playing sports and goofing around with their friends and I feel old. I feel out of place on my whole floor, I feel like some one is looking over my shoulder and watching me the whole time. Not like the paranoid someone is coming to get me but I guess I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like some kind of idiot weirdo because I just follow my 18 year old roommate around. She’s cool but definitely just out of high school if you know what I mean. I just feel like I should be able to take care of myself. I really really need to start working so that I can make some friends that are like me.

I understand that view point is crazy and that I one, can’t expect to know where everything or anything is in this brand new state and two that you can never tell just what someone is going through by how they act but some part of me still can’t helping wishing I was a little bit more like them and a little bit less like me. I guess I’m really just a little more than miserable living in this dorm room. I will never live on campus again it depresses me already.

 

ugh.

Change

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

Today is a day of change all around and I am thrilled! I was so excited to see a HUGE American flag hanging from the GWB I would have stopped to take a picture but the bridge is not a place to stop and take pictures. But I stole this picture from Google. This picture doesn’t do this simple act of hanging a flag justice. The sun was shining and driving up to see this flag hanging above imposing and radiant was breathtaking.

I spent the whole morning scanning the AM radio stations for inaugural coverage and found one that I followed religiously for hours. I was furious that the timing of check-in at school today took place between ten and two and I showed up around eleven. I tried to rush getting everything done so I could catch the inauguration but I only made it in time for the beginning of God Bless America, so as I write this I am watching Obama’s speech, getting chills as he talks about peace and prosperity. We may not be ready yet but I believe under Obama we will be able to lead once more. For the world has changed and we must change with it.

On another note I made a big change today as I moved into my dorm room. I have a very nice (freshman) roommate who seems pretty chill, her friend Alexa(?) is pretty chill too. I feel like I’m walking into something a little late, this probably would have been more fun if I was a freshman too but I guess you take what you can get right? It’s difficult to move to such a new area I feel lost! I don’t know where a damn thing is! This campus is pretty big and I walked around like an idiot for about fifteen minutes after moving my car just trying to find my dorm again. It was nuts and I called two different people to talk me through my trip.

I am not looking forward to trying to find my 830 class tomorrow morning, but I do have a three(?!) hour break in between my first and second classes so I’ll probably take that time to figure out where all my classes are and buy some notebooks before coming back to take a nap, something I’m already looking forward to.

The Curse

Honest to God I believe that I am somehow cursed. Every time I really want to do something or need to go somewhere something goes wrong with my car. Since I'm moving on Tuesday why am I not surprised to find that the power steering on my car is shot and something with the air-conditioning cooling system or whatnot is dying too. Pretty cool huh? Heaven forbid I get a fucking break, right when the stress over having a dorm and having classes is resolved Huey breaks. I just need someone to throw me a bone here! I'm not getting the car back until Monday (keep your fingers crossed that everything goes right) and it's not even going to be totally fixed because my father decided to not fix the cooling part. I told him he can pay off my loan when my car blows up.

I'm just so frustrated because I am moving and I don't want my car to break down and get myself stuck in the middle of nowhere. I want to scream and get a fucking break. Fucking hell.

Let your troubles roll by

 

So just an update from yesterday:

My friend Dave came into work today (I used to work and go to meetings with him) and I told him about my star.bucks encounter yesterday and he told me that D. actually used to ask about me all the time when Dave and I worked together. He told me not to worry and that I have to let go of this idea that my old friends don’t want to have anything to do with me because I no longer go to meetings. I found a balance in my life and meetings really messed with my balance and brought a lot of unneeded insanity into my life.

I feel so relieved to know I wasn’t rejected by my family-it was really tearing me up for a little bit there.

 

Here’s a song for you all I hope it speaks to you too.

Hurt..

So most people who read this know what kind of meetings I spent most of my nights in for about two years up until a year ago. You know how important they were to me and how they molded me into the person I am today. When I was there I met a lot of great people that really touched my life. These people showed me what strength was, what it meant to suffer and overcome. These people were my family and I will love them forever.

Today I ran into one of my favorite people. We’ll call him D. D was a constant in my recovery he was always around, always had a smile, would listen to me whenever I needed someone and once told me that if I stayed clean in a few years, when I was looking for a teaching job he’d be happy to help me out. I’ll tell you that that really meant a lot to me-to hear someone having faith in my abilities to be a successful productive member of society.

But so I saw him today and I was so happy! I was so excited that I saw D one of my most favorite people ever! And he said hi and I said hi and I got up to give him a hug, not realizing he was walking away and then I realized he was leaving and he realized I was standing and stopped to look at me and I was already sitting down and it was so awkward! So I said “oh I was just going to get up and give you … but it’s fine I’ll see you around.” He responded with “I would but I’m just running late.” Maybe I imagined it but just the way he said it made me feel like he was just saying it. That kind of hurt and I nearly cried, in the middle of star.bucks with one of my best friends while I was on the phone with my boyfriend and oh I don’t know..

I just felt hurt that someone I looked up to so much would write me off that quickly because I don’t go to meetings anymore=I must be getting high=I’m not worth it. And it just hurt.

I don’t need that place to be a part of my life any longer. I don’t need the insanity that those rooms brought to my life. I have found a balance in my life plus alcohol minus drugs; it’s a balance that I have worked hard for, brings me happiness and I am satisfied with. But I miss the people that became my family, and it hurts when your family rejects you.



(ps...dan's awesome)

I don't even know where to begin tonight I'm sad and disappointed in most of the people I know whether they be friends or family and I've been finding myself pushing away from all of them because I don't want to be let down. Now I understand that not everyone will drop everything to drive four hours at three in the morning to help a friend but I'd like to know someone will drive twenty minutes to be there for me. Or that my friends will be happy for me no matter what I choose to do with my life. So maybe I'm exagerating with my reaction but I feel better pushing everyone away than keeping anyone close.

At the same time I miss having friends. I went out with two friends from highschool a few nights ago and they sat talking about a group of friends that I once belonged to. For whatever reason I was kind of pushed out of the group as we went through highschool and now I only talk to the two of them. These guys get together all the time; now I don't think I even like who any of them have become, but it makes me kind of sad that they decided they didn't want me to be a part of anymore. I feel kind of rejected. I kind of feel like this is happening with my now friends, and I want to push everyone away before they can kick me out, because that hurts too much.

But I guess we grow up and grow apart. We invest time in people and we gain bonds of love and trust, but as time goes by we change and we no longer like who are friends are and they become people that we will always love but can't find ourselves to trust with the important things anymore.

I don't know kids, I need time away from all of this. I can't wait to move, I'm afraid of being alone and ruining the best thing in my life right now, but I can't stand to be in this shit hole anymore.

I find it amazing that I could wake up one day and decide to quit smoking and two months later be smoke free. Amazing that I quit biting my nails, that I cut down on coffee, that I made a decision to treat my body better by eating better and exercising more. I've made big changes in my life in the past few months, figuring out school on my own and getting ready to move to a completely different state where I know one person. Huge changes. Huge life changing decisions. But what I find amazing out of all of this is how I still am not happy, how I'm still the miserable person I've been for as long as I remember.

I've never had a great deal of self esteem, not because I think that I'm a bad person because I don't think that. I honestly think I'm a good person but I don't think that I deserve good things. I think that there are millions of people that deserve good things and happiness before me. I couldn't figure this out for the life of me.

I always knew that I kept ending up in emotionally abusive relationships I guess I never really understood why. I can't remember one specific time when I was happy. I can't remember any of my childhood. I can't remember anything. Because I blocked it out, I blocked it all out. I was a miserable kid, and through lots of talking with the love of my life (yeah yeah) I've come to the conclusion that I had kind of an abusive childhood-not like physically but definitely emotionally. I was never the center of attention, in fact I was always made to feel like my brothers were somehow better than me-deserved more love, attention, whatever than me. I would fade into the background because I didn't think I deserved any attention. The only time I was the center of my parents day was when I was yelled at or blamed for whatever, when I was made the scape goat.

It's a God awful feeling. Feeling like you don't deserve love and it opened me up to dating older men. Men who were outgoing, charismatic, older (which meant wiser and could take care of me)and who had a lot of friend. I wanted inclusion and attention. I wanted to be a part of something-a disgusting desire that has messed with my life more than once. As it turns out all the guys I'm attracted to are actually assholes who I guess subconsciously I want to be with so that they can tell me I'm a piece of shit. (Yeah again with the self esteem.) Unfortunately for my subconscious and fortunately for me I found Dan. But that's not the point.

I don't want to be miserable anymore, it really hurts all day every day. I don't want to be angry with my parents for not knowing how to love their daughter. But I don't know how to move past all that and heal and be happy and like myself. I want to believe that I deserve good things like really believe it. But it is so damn hard and I just don't know how to. I don't know how to be happy.

I guess not the happiest post for the season. Meh.