Some days I'm a hopeless romantic. And I day dream about someone dropping all that they have just to be with me. I imagine being swept off my feet and proposed to in a movie-kind of way.

Some days I'm ok with being alone. I enjoy the freedom of not being responsible for anyone else. And I enjoy the freedom of not feeling guilty about pushing my insanity on someone else.

Some days I'm the loneliest person that's ever lived. I think of how undesireable I am. I think of all the happy couples around me and I think of how I'll never have that. On those days I usually cry. A lot.

Some days I just want to be used. I want to feel like I'm desired enough by someone to just be used for a hour or so. Because I don't think anyone will ever want me. So that hour is a decent amount of time for me.

I drive myself crazy though-I over analyze everything. I can't seem to allow myself to just let shit go long enough to be happy or look at it realistically. And I don't know why that is. I don't know why I can't just be happy on my own. This is the first day in a few weeks that I haven't been fucked up on something. And the only reason I'm not is because I can't stand the dreams I have when I'm high. I usually don't remember my dreams but since I started getting high in earnest again and since I stopped smoking-these dreams are just terrible. They are so sad. Because everything is ok in the dream and everything is perfect. And I'm happy.
But then I wake up.
And I have to cry myself to sleep. Because nothing is ok and nothing is perfect and I'm not happy.

And it's not anyones fault.
no ones.
not bush. not the guy at the gas station. not my boss at work. not the jerk at table twenty. not my best friend. not my family.
I'm just broken.

And for a while I had a band-aid on. And I was "ok." And I got awefully good at putting a smile on my face and pretending. But the band-aid fell off and the wound ripped open.
And I'm broken again.

I'm sorry this is so miserable. I don't mean to bring anyone down. It's not important anyway.

ps. i'm too miserable to be allowed.

So I've decided I'm the most pathetic person that's ever lived.
Reasons. . .
1. I'm so nice to everyone that all I get is walked all over. Like I'd do anything for anyone but there are very few people who would drop what they are doing to help me out. But unfortunately they all live at least two hours away most of the time. That's cool huh?
2. I'm so lonely. Deep down so very lonely. And I tell myself that I don't need a relationship to make me happy. But I keep ending up in one anyway. And I tell myself I'm ok. And I play this little game about how many people I can please in one day. And it's a fun game and I convince myself that if I people-please I'll Megan-please.
3. And about the previously mentioned relationships. . . I have the shitty-est timing for anything. I mean seriously-Ted. Pretty awesome but oh wait he was 45 with 3 kids. Yeah that was destined to fail. Matt. Haha right. I was just a piece of ass to him. I must give him credit though. I never saw it coming. Dan. Amazing? yeah. Puts up with my insanity. Is learning to understand me. But wait! Technically he's still married. And oh yeah he's moving away. See a theme? Yeah. I think God is trying to tell me something. Like "you're destined to be alone."
4. I'm just a miserable person and all I do anymore is cry.
5. I'm so lame.

whatever.

So that last post about being a silly little girl with a really big heart... yeah. Turns out that's what I am. And it makes me sick. Physically sick.

It's not fair. I'm just so defeated.

Matt flew me out to vegas. I was amazed-the tickets and the room in all was $750. He told me, assured me that I didn't know how much I meant to him. How much he just wanted to see me before he left for deployment.
But he spent the whole time texting his ex. And maybe it's lame but I checked his phone. It was filled with texts about how much he loves and her misses her and how things are going to be ok. And pictures. Of her.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.
And he tells me how much he cares about me.
And he lies.
And lies.
And he fucking lies to my face.
Again.
And Again.

And I believed it. Every single word. I knew what was going on wasn't right but I believed it.

I called my brother-they're pretty tight. And he said he saw this coming, because he knew Matt wasn't over his ex. He knew that I'm a sweet girl with a really big heart and he knew that Matt was just looking for a quick fix.
Matt was planning on proposing to his ex this summer.
And he tells me he doesn't want her.

I'm so fucking dumb. I'm blind and I let this happen again and again and again. I don't fucking learn. I just get hurt.

And I'm fucking lame because I have a guy here at home that enjoys seeing me. And I love spending time with him. He's sweet. He's funny. He cares about me. Oh yeah.. he's still fucking married. I mean he has the divorce papers but seriously. I really know how to pick them. And yet I know I'll stick with him until he decides I'm not worth it too. I can see the story's end but I'm going to read it anyway.

Why do people think I'm smart and that I have answers. I can't even deal with my own shit why do people trust me with theirs?

I can't fucking stand myself.
I'm just sick of me.

Life was so much easier two years ago. When the only thing that mattered was the heroin. I'm not saying I want to go back to that. Because I don't, but that lifestyle seems to seductive right now.

I just want to be numb.

I'm just a silly little girl with a really big heart.

I think the hardest thing about life is caring about other people, because it's tearing me up inside.

Recap-
My brother just got home from Iraq a week or so ago. I was just able to stop worrying. But now Matt who is just the most amazing person I've ever met, is being deployed on the 18th. It's like I was able to take a deep breath. Just one, and now my chest is constricting again. And it's getting really hard to breath. And like... I'd do a heck of a lot for this kid. And he came up for the weekend and it was really very nice but it's the last time I'll get to see him. For more than eight months. And that's a long time. And I've said that I would wait for him and he told me he'd never ask me to do that. So because I'm a glutton for punishment I asked if he would even consider having anything with me when he got back. And I got the answer I knew I'd get that-eight months is a long time. And things change in eight months. And it's still early.

And I knew I was going to hear that. But it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I've thought of this guy for more than two years just waiting for an opportunity to be with him. But of course my timing sucks. And of course it's just crazy of me to expect anything.

And I know this. But my chest is still crushing in on my lungs and my heart might explode. And there is no oxygen getting to my brain and I'm just so sad.

I miss hickory hill and making a best friend who after one night was there is sit with me as I cried.

And I'm really just a silly little girl with a really big heart.

And I'm pretty sure that heart is going to shatter.

Shine your light down on me,
lift me up so I can see.
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on.

Sometimes those lyrics are all that can get me through the day.
Eric Roppenecker 10/11/2006.. imissyou.

Man I don't know when i've ever been so fucking miserable. I'm lonely. All of my friends are hours away, and the friends that I have here, all three of them, just blow me off. Like I'll call and text and flat out say I'm lonely and they just disappear. And it hurts. And the person I want to be with, wants to be with me but he's "confused" and "doesn't want to hurt me." And that just hurts more.
I just want to feel wanted. And I know people care but it's really hard to be all the way over here when all the people I care about are all the way over there with new friends and going out and doing things.
All I do is lay in my fucking bed depressed as hell and my heart aches and my stomache hurts and I just want a friend and i just want to be needed.
I'm just so miserable and it just hurts so much.

Can't sleep

So when I get excited I can't sleep. And when I can't sleep I start having these awful daydreams about my family dieing and how I could possibly deal with that. It's fucking morbid and I hate it. I think something is wrong with me.

But tonight, in addition to thinking about my families untimely deaths I've been thinking about Ted again. I've been thinking about if I made the wrong decision, and if I will in fact ever find someone that loves me as much as he does. What if I don't? What if I just tossed away my "soul mate"? I don't know what to do. I love him so much and it kills me to be tearing him apart like this. He's cried to me, actually cried and I just can't comprehend that I could possibly mean so much to anyone.

I always did the 19 year old girl routine while we were dating-saying I love you and, I want to marry you and, I only want to spend the rest of my life with you. But like as time went by I decided that as much as I love this man, he isn't the kind of guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I think... that might have been a bad decision. I don't know. Maybe I'm just experiencing an emotional hangover. But god I miss him so much. And I'm just not sure of anything right now.

Dealing with this makes me just not want to function like a normal human. I feel myself slipping into the mindset I had when I was still using heroin. I just want to hurt myself. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm just obsessed with thoughts of Ted. I just want to know if I made the right choice you know? I want to know if I was right for leaving for the reasons I did.

But if I was right, why do I still think about him so much? Why do I take his calls, and text him when he asks me to, and visit when he asks me to? Why do I still tell him that I love him, but I wish it could be easier?

I just want to know if I made the right choice for me and all the things that I get for not being with him. Or if maybe I just walked away from the greatest thing there ever was.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with a 45 year old guy. I wasn't supposed to be a drug addict. I wasn't supposed to be a 19 year old girl with no control over her life.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Alright so time for an update.

So I decided to go to a meeting tonight and it was hard. Like very painful for me and very confusing. I got to the meeting and announced that I was "coming back" and got a lot of hugs from all of my friends which was nice. I shared about how I just wasn't so sure anymore if this was right for me. I felt so uncomfortable like, on the verge of a panic attack because you see, this meeting is my home group but it is also Ted's home group so I basically spent the whole time looking over my shoulder everytime someone opened the door. I also felt vey uncomfortable because Mike, who is Ted's best friend, and who has always been friendly towards me, didn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. It was very awkward and I felt like a stupid little kid who was doing something wrong. So I guess basically I don't know if I'm going to be going back tomorrow or next monday. This is something I feel unsure of about because like I said, I don't know if this is really what I need, and I'd rather work out my misery and keep drinking than go back to what I know and just be paranoid and end up being the cause of drama when I do see Ted again. I really wish I could just talk to him and see how he was doing. I miss my best friend you know?

But on a lighter note my weekend was great. I spent some quality time with my dad and the deleware river for an overnight. We stopped along the way at tri-state monument somewhere a little past Milford beach I think. It's the one place where New York, Pennsylvania and New Jersey all meet. So yeah basically I was in three places at once.

so here's me at tri state monument.. attractive huh?

Later that night my dad and I just hung out. I took a nap because the river sucks all my energy right out of me. But I woke up to a thunderstorm and it was POURING! But we still made dinner. IN A DUTCH OVEN! And it was probably the best stew I ever had. See CLHH taught me something alright.

Me and my dad with our kick-ass tripod for our dutch oven. I took like two hours to cook but it was AMAZING!

So I got home and blah-de-blah-blah and I'm just astounded with the drama that still infilrates my life even though I'm 19 and so very done with highschool.

Alright, I guess one more area to talk about because it's important to me at least. I'm kind of afraid that I might just be becoming a little tramp. Haha no joke! So an ex of mine, from like two years ago, and I have been talking and we are going to hang out on Thursday. I asked what are we going to do and he said 'naughty things.' Now I asked all the right questions like 'am i just a piece of ass.' and he said no, but really other than that I don't really have any reserves about screwing him and then the next day having my 'doctor friend' up for a visit and having you know... a physical. :) does this make me a tramp? Oh man I don't even know... I don't think I'm getting myself into any bad situations but I don't know if I'm going down a path I'm not sure I want to go down.

I guess we'll see where it goes.

Anyway. I need to get to sleep. It's great to have Mondays off but that means I need to wake up and go to class on Tuesday so I'd better get to bed because I'm fading fast.

lots of love.

always.

meg.

I don't know about today but maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

So I figured I would try out a different blog because my other one has been invaded by campers. I'm hoping they don't find this one. Who knows if anyone will read this anyway. But I've just got to write and pretend that maybe someone might read this and pretend that maybe someone cares because I'm kind of just a mess right now.
I gave up my sobriety. A year and four months of it. And I was happy. But now I'm not so sure if I made the right choice. Maybe it's just because so much is going on and so much has changed since my little vacation at camp. I'm OK with my choice because I want to be normal and do things normal kids my age do-drink with friends, go to parties, hang out with people who are drinking even if I'm not. I like not feeling like there is something wrong with me.
But at the same time I think this might be a problem. I'm so torn in my own head because I still don't know what's real anymore and if I just think I have a problem because I did some drugs and went to meetings for so long that I just ended up brainwashed into believing that yeah I'm an addict. I don't know if I can do the social drinking, I was having such and episode yesterday that I actually had to pour myself a drink to calm down. That is not fucking normal.
I'm hurting so much because I came back from camp and now I don't have my boyfriend, I'm not going to meetings; I'm just burying myself in school work and trying to find a job as a waitress because I know that if I can just keep myself busy enough I can isolate and forget all my problems and convince myself that I, in fact, don't have any problems at all.
I don't know if I'm an addict. I guess I never worked a first step well enough. Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac and assume I have problems. I was even accused once of not being a true recovering addict and that I was just playing a role to fit in somewhere. I don't know about that but what if that's really what I've been doing for the past year and a half?
I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask for help. I'm afraid to keep living the way I'm living. I'm afraid this will escalate into more even though I don't ever want to do dope again. And I've got these things called pride and ego that won't allow me to get help again if it was offered. I'm just so messed up and hurt and lost and confused.

always.
meg