So when I get excited I can't sleep. And when I can't sleep I start having these awful daydreams about my family dieing and how I could possibly deal with that. It's fucking morbid and I hate it. I think something is wrong with me.
But tonight, in addition to thinking about my families untimely deaths I've been thinking about Ted again. I've been thinking about if I made the wrong decision, and if I will in fact ever find someone that loves me as much as he does. What if I don't? What if I just tossed away my "soul mate"? I don't know what to do. I love him so much and it kills me to be tearing him apart like this. He's cried to me, actually cried and I just can't comprehend that I could possibly mean so much to anyone.
I always did the 19 year old girl routine while we were dating-saying I love you and, I want to marry you and, I only want to spend the rest of my life with you. But like as time went by I decided that as much as I love this man, he isn't the kind of guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I think... that might have been a bad decision. I don't know. Maybe I'm just experiencing an emotional hangover. But god I miss him so much. And I'm just not sure of anything right now.
Dealing with this makes me just not want to function like a normal human. I feel myself slipping into the mindset I had when I was still using heroin. I just want to hurt myself. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm just obsessed with thoughts of Ted. I just want to know if I made the right choice you know? I want to know if I was right for leaving for the reasons I did.
But if I was right, why do I still think about him so much? Why do I take his calls, and text him when he asks me to, and visit when he asks me to? Why do I still tell him that I love him, but I wish it could be easier?
I just want to know if I made the right choice for me and all the things that I get for not being with him. Or if maybe I just walked away from the greatest thing there ever was.
This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with a 45 year old guy. I wasn't supposed to be a drug addict. I wasn't supposed to be a 19 year old girl with no control over her life.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
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Hi you. I'm sorry that I couldn't really talk this weekend... I think I got a total of about 10 hours of sleep for all three nights, and on top of that, I got a horrible cold and my meds made me so out of it! AND on top of that, I was pretty drunk for about 40% of the trip...the bride is Italian haha ;)
Anyway...I'm worried about you. I don't want you to not function .. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I don't know how to make it better, except that I just hope you know that choices are choices, we make them and sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong, but it just takes time to figure out which is which. It might feel like the wrong decision now, but in 3 months you might feel like it's the best decision you have ever made.
You said, "if i made the right decision, then why do i still do this and that, and love him.." but of course, that is the reason why. I think that when you love someone, a part of you loves them for some time after you're not together anymore. It's that security blanket. It's like, just because that title "boyfriend" isn't there anymore doesn't mean that the love is gone, you know?
And none of it is supposed to happen meg. But it does.. to everyone. shit happens. people get hurt, people hurt themselves. people do unspeakable acts to others who trust them. it all happens, but all we can do is learn to live, right?
i love you so much.. call me soon.
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