Butterfly

I wonder, quite often, how different my life would have been if I had been more outgoing or had friends in high school, you know-if I had been popular. I wonder if maybe I’d have 700 pictures on facebook from all the times my friends wanted to snap a picture of us; I wonder if I’d be prettier, skinnier, more capable. I’m not deluded I know having crazy outgoing friends or playing a sport or having all those pictures on facebook doesn’t guarantee happiness or good looks. I know that it is just silly to think that the popular life is blessed with shitting gold. But I’ve always felt left out.

I look at my roommate and her friend and they are just so involved with life playing sports and goofing around with their friends and I feel old. I feel out of place on my whole floor, I feel like some one is looking over my shoulder and watching me the whole time. Not like the paranoid someone is coming to get me but I guess I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like some kind of idiot weirdo because I just follow my 18 year old roommate around. She’s cool but definitely just out of high school if you know what I mean. I just feel like I should be able to take care of myself. I really really need to start working so that I can make some friends that are like me.

I understand that view point is crazy and that I one, can’t expect to know where everything or anything is in this brand new state and two that you can never tell just what someone is going through by how they act but some part of me still can’t helping wishing I was a little bit more like them and a little bit less like me. I guess I’m really just a little more than miserable living in this dorm room. I will never live on campus again it depresses me already.

 

ugh.

Change

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

Today is a day of change all around and I am thrilled! I was so excited to see a HUGE American flag hanging from the GWB I would have stopped to take a picture but the bridge is not a place to stop and take pictures. But I stole this picture from Google. This picture doesn’t do this simple act of hanging a flag justice. The sun was shining and driving up to see this flag hanging above imposing and radiant was breathtaking.

I spent the whole morning scanning the AM radio stations for inaugural coverage and found one that I followed religiously for hours. I was furious that the timing of check-in at school today took place between ten and two and I showed up around eleven. I tried to rush getting everything done so I could catch the inauguration but I only made it in time for the beginning of God Bless America, so as I write this I am watching Obama’s speech, getting chills as he talks about peace and prosperity. We may not be ready yet but I believe under Obama we will be able to lead once more. For the world has changed and we must change with it.

On another note I made a big change today as I moved into my dorm room. I have a very nice (freshman) roommate who seems pretty chill, her friend Alexa(?) is pretty chill too. I feel like I’m walking into something a little late, this probably would have been more fun if I was a freshman too but I guess you take what you can get right? It’s difficult to move to such a new area I feel lost! I don’t know where a damn thing is! This campus is pretty big and I walked around like an idiot for about fifteen minutes after moving my car just trying to find my dorm again. It was nuts and I called two different people to talk me through my trip.

I am not looking forward to trying to find my 830 class tomorrow morning, but I do have a three(?!) hour break in between my first and second classes so I’ll probably take that time to figure out where all my classes are and buy some notebooks before coming back to take a nap, something I’m already looking forward to.

The Curse

Honest to God I believe that I am somehow cursed. Every time I really want to do something or need to go somewhere something goes wrong with my car. Since I'm moving on Tuesday why am I not surprised to find that the power steering on my car is shot and something with the air-conditioning cooling system or whatnot is dying too. Pretty cool huh? Heaven forbid I get a fucking break, right when the stress over having a dorm and having classes is resolved Huey breaks. I just need someone to throw me a bone here! I'm not getting the car back until Monday (keep your fingers crossed that everything goes right) and it's not even going to be totally fixed because my father decided to not fix the cooling part. I told him he can pay off my loan when my car blows up.

I'm just so frustrated because I am moving and I don't want my car to break down and get myself stuck in the middle of nowhere. I want to scream and get a fucking break. Fucking hell.

Let your troubles roll by

 

So just an update from yesterday:

My friend Dave came into work today (I used to work and go to meetings with him) and I told him about my star.bucks encounter yesterday and he told me that D. actually used to ask about me all the time when Dave and I worked together. He told me not to worry and that I have to let go of this idea that my old friends don’t want to have anything to do with me because I no longer go to meetings. I found a balance in my life and meetings really messed with my balance and brought a lot of unneeded insanity into my life.

I feel so relieved to know I wasn’t rejected by my family-it was really tearing me up for a little bit there.

 

Here’s a song for you all I hope it speaks to you too.

Hurt..

So most people who read this know what kind of meetings I spent most of my nights in for about two years up until a year ago. You know how important they were to me and how they molded me into the person I am today. When I was there I met a lot of great people that really touched my life. These people showed me what strength was, what it meant to suffer and overcome. These people were my family and I will love them forever.

Today I ran into one of my favorite people. We’ll call him D. D was a constant in my recovery he was always around, always had a smile, would listen to me whenever I needed someone and once told me that if I stayed clean in a few years, when I was looking for a teaching job he’d be happy to help me out. I’ll tell you that that really meant a lot to me-to hear someone having faith in my abilities to be a successful productive member of society.

But so I saw him today and I was so happy! I was so excited that I saw D one of my most favorite people ever! And he said hi and I said hi and I got up to give him a hug, not realizing he was walking away and then I realized he was leaving and he realized I was standing and stopped to look at me and I was already sitting down and it was so awkward! So I said “oh I was just going to get up and give you … but it’s fine I’ll see you around.” He responded with “I would but I’m just running late.” Maybe I imagined it but just the way he said it made me feel like he was just saying it. That kind of hurt and I nearly cried, in the middle of star.bucks with one of my best friends while I was on the phone with my boyfriend and oh I don’t know..

I just felt hurt that someone I looked up to so much would write me off that quickly because I don’t go to meetings anymore=I must be getting high=I’m not worth it. And it just hurt.

I don’t need that place to be a part of my life any longer. I don’t need the insanity that those rooms brought to my life. I have found a balance in my life plus alcohol minus drugs; it’s a balance that I have worked hard for, brings me happiness and I am satisfied with. But I miss the people that became my family, and it hurts when your family rejects you.



(ps...dan's awesome)