It's a Wonderful Life

Things have been super crazy hence the lack of updates. It seems like everything is coming at me in quick waves of awful events and honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can hold up my side of the street. There is so much to do that today I'm sitting back and realizing how much I've missed doing the stuff that I really enjoy doing like pleasure reading, listening to music, writing this blog, calling friends and emailing my family. There just hasn't been enough time in the day for all of it. I have been reading a lot of different blogs lately and though I don't have much of a message-if any-to carry, reading them makes me miss writing here.
I have a lot of friends that over the years have been able to rely on me for anything and I don't regret helping them one bit but our problems are getting so much harder and much more personal that as time goes by we're around if we need each other for sure but I think we're more afraid of reaching out and asking for help.
That fear reminds me of my stint in the program and always being afraid of asking for help because I didn't want anyone to know how bad or not bad I was. I was afraid of never measuring up to the "worst" addict in the room that I probably didn't get as much help as I could have. But I always felt like I was stealing from them anyway.

Moving on.

My dad has prostate cancer-a very slow progressing and curable cancer. But still scary. Cancer. Scary word, puts knots in my stomach, gives me panic attacks, makes me want to sleep instead of face the day. The doctors say the scan showed everything was contained and that surgery should fix it and chemo won't be necessary. And isn't that a breath of relief. My dad's best friend has cancer but his prognosis isn't so promising. The lung cancer went undetected for a while so well.. you know. In situations like this I always find myself looking at both sides I look at Wayne and his wife Dawn and I look at my mom and dad and I wonder if Dawn is cursing the injustice, and then if she's cursing herself for wishing the roles were reversed because who would wish that on someone else?
I look at people a lot. I feel for them often. I try to put myself in their shoes, I try to understand what they are thinking and lately that empathy has led me to a lot of emotional anguish. I really feel for people and all that feeling really makes me sad. I need a way to deal with all these emotions. I need a way to allow things to just be and not effect me so much. Maybe a way to not feel so much?

Next.

School. Pretty lame. Lots of reading a few papers here and there but not much to say on top of that in the academic department. Dorming sucks. It's not going to get better and I don't want to hear it, I mean come on I'm being FINED because a couple of children on my floor had a party and got sloppy. Not cool.
I guess an upside is, not that I've ever lacked the ability to speak out, but I'm learning the self reliance needed to live away from home. I actually had a conversation with my RA to express my... concern with this fine. It's not that paying the five dollars would have really set me back it's the principle of the thing. One, I guarantee 97% of the people on this campus are here on financial aid or have mommy and daddy paying for anything. Two, I work close to 40 hours a week to pay back every single penny of my loan. Three, I avoid this place like the plague, I wasn't on campus for six days starting the day before the 'incident' happened. I go to class, go to work, see my boyfriend, come back go to my dorm, do my homework and am generally asleep by midnight on school nights. When would I possibly have had time to make a mess with my hall mates. Because really I'm the social butterfly that made friends with a bunch of partying fools. Yeah that's me. Seriously. Not.

I'm just looking forward to being a big kid and living on my own, and being able to keep creepy people out of my house. I mean for real these kids just walk into my room. Have you heard of knocking? Let's be serious.

College is like a different world and I want the next train home please.


Peace out.