Sunday, November 29, 2009
I don't get my hopes up anymore. Promises of things to do, days to come, happiness, fulfillment, love-whatever it is it's just a disappointment. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm tired of being so open and loving towards the people in my life because it always comes around to just kick me in the gut when I'm down, right after I've just given a little too much of myself to take back. So no more expectations unless low. No more giving of myself so freely. I'm running out of things to give and I am just so tired.
Monday, November 23, 2009
breath.
I don't take compliments very well. I don't need to be told I'm a good person, friend, girlfriend, daughter etc. I think that deep down I know these things. Like I know that if my friends need me that I'll be there at three in the morning for them. I know that I respect the people in my life to the fullest I am able to. I know that I put everyone before myself.
I think I get so down on myself because I am so willing to do the right thing and be the best type of person I can be; the problem comes in when I just can't be there to do the right thing or I decide that for once I'm going to put myself and my needs before those of someone else. I always feel uncomfortable doing so, like I'm being selfish. And that mentality eats at me and I think that I'm just not doing right by the people in my life. I beat myself down so much that I start thinking I'm a shitty person.
This past month most of what I have done has been for me. In the process I have pushed people away because they have drama and they don't want to hear my solution and I just can't bring myself to listen to them bitching or even venting because they just don't want the help and advice I have to offer.
I've had a handful of low moments in the past weeks-missing my life, missing my ex, missing my friends; I've also had plenty of happy moments where I'm running or doing yoga, writing or reading where I just feel at peace because I'm doing something for myself. I've been putting myself first.
It's a struggle because it goes against my nature to put everyone else second but I think I've finally reached a healthy place.
I've always wanted to be like my Aunt Mare. She is such a strong women that has always been there for our family in times of crisis. When I was younger she was there to listen to my lame teenage woes. It's just how she is. But I am beginning to realize that Aunt Mare puts her needs, responsibilities and herself first. She always makes sure that her life is at the proper place to walk away from before she goes off and helps people.
That's not to say that in times of crisis she won't drop everything she is doing to help out but she seems to have found a balance where she is bettering herself and making her own life work while still enriching the lives of those around her.
I'm finding my balance. And even though situations and feelings like to get in the way I'm starting to be happy and satisfied with my life as it is. We all have setbacks. Plans that don't work out. People that just aren't supposed to be in our lives the way we want them to. I'm learning how to deal with all that and still keep smiling.
And just for today I am happy.
I think I get so down on myself because I am so willing to do the right thing and be the best type of person I can be; the problem comes in when I just can't be there to do the right thing or I decide that for once I'm going to put myself and my needs before those of someone else. I always feel uncomfortable doing so, like I'm being selfish. And that mentality eats at me and I think that I'm just not doing right by the people in my life. I beat myself down so much that I start thinking I'm a shitty person.
This past month most of what I have done has been for me. In the process I have pushed people away because they have drama and they don't want to hear my solution and I just can't bring myself to listen to them bitching or even venting because they just don't want the help and advice I have to offer.
I've had a handful of low moments in the past weeks-missing my life, missing my ex, missing my friends; I've also had plenty of happy moments where I'm running or doing yoga, writing or reading where I just feel at peace because I'm doing something for myself. I've been putting myself first.
It's a struggle because it goes against my nature to put everyone else second but I think I've finally reached a healthy place.
I've always wanted to be like my Aunt Mare. She is such a strong women that has always been there for our family in times of crisis. When I was younger she was there to listen to my lame teenage woes. It's just how she is. But I am beginning to realize that Aunt Mare puts her needs, responsibilities and herself first. She always makes sure that her life is at the proper place to walk away from before she goes off and helps people.
That's not to say that in times of crisis she won't drop everything she is doing to help out but she seems to have found a balance where she is bettering herself and making her own life work while still enriching the lives of those around her.
I'm finding my balance. And even though situations and feelings like to get in the way I'm starting to be happy and satisfied with my life as it is. We all have setbacks. Plans that don't work out. People that just aren't supposed to be in our lives the way we want them to. I'm learning how to deal with all that and still keep smiling.
And just for today I am happy.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
No matter where you go you take yourself with you.
It's a hard concept, no matter where you go you take yourself with you. I feel like I've been running for the past couple years. Running from bad decisions, lost memories, terrible relationship after terrible relationship, my thoughts, my actions-whatever else. I've been running; each time I stopped for a breath a new place I felt energized and ready to start something new. Each time life and my relationships started solid and people thought I was great and people wanted to chill with me and get to know me. But just like after a run, every single time I got tired and worn down. When you're running you don't think. When you're running you just go, left right left right in out in out: pace yourself. When you stop running and the energy wears off for the day everything has time to catch up to you and take it's toll on you because you're too tired to fight back and it yells at you for trying to get away and you can't escape again until you run again.
Every time I've stopped running life has caught up to me. It sees me for who I am regardless of the color I dye my hair, or piercings, or tattoos, or diets, friends, habits, fads....
No matter where you go you take yourself with you. Even I can't escape that.
Every time I've stopped running life has caught up to me. It sees me for who I am regardless of the color I dye my hair, or piercings, or tattoos, or diets, friends, habits, fads....
No matter where you go you take yourself with you. Even I can't escape that.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I miss this. . It's a look I got often.
The past week has been different than any in the past two years. It's not that I dont feel ok with my decisions it's just that it's strange to me that I check my phone still every twenty minutes and there is never a text waiting for me. I wonder if it's strange for him too. Walking away from the biggest part of my life was heartbreaking. I did what was right for me though and I need to respect myself and my decision if I'm going to grow in the way I want and need to.
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