sense of belonging

Those of you that have known me for a long time know what this picture is. It's me being "that camper," and making a sandcastle out of lakeweed. Someone pointed out that there is no lakeweed in this picture, don't worry, it came later. Now I usually joke about this picture and making that castle because I was such a dorky camper. But really I can tell you exactly what I was feeling that day.

This was taken my first year as an older girl, I had done ENL when it was still in maple glen. I was the youngest-older-girl there. I remember that on this day we had gone to the state park and I had decided before we left, that I wasn't going to bring my bathing suit because i didn't want to have fun. I knew I wasn't going to want to participate.

I remember it was insanely hot and I was sitting by myself in the burning sand and I built this castle. Wizzy being the ever caring counselor that she was came over and played with me.

I was so freakin lame.

And so today for whatever reason I was thinking about that picture and how I didn't feel like I belonged in that program, or at camp or anywhere. And you've got to understand I was maybe 12. Those are some heavy thoughts for a 12 year old. And then I started thinking about today. And I started thinking about what I was like now, almost eight years later. And I still don't feel like I belong. And I think that is really sad.

I thought about that on the way to school today. Just driving in my car thinking about whatever-people watching. And realizing how I don't really have any friends and I don't really fit in with any group of people. All I do is work. I escape into it because it's easy to say "oh the reason I don't go to parties is because I work too much." When really-I don't have to work as much as I do. I just choose to.
I don't know.


Now on the other hand... I know who I am, I know how I react and I know to stay away from certain situations and whatnot because I will react badly.
Like A few weeks ago at work I had this rediculas melt down because I was really stressed out from getting table after table. Ok. No big deal. I was "in charge" of the other staff, making sure they did their job. Again, no big deal. But then people who tell me that they are my friends start telling me I'm doing my job wrong-that they don't agree with what I do. And you know what? Probably on any other day I wouldn't have been such a melodramatic fuck but I broke down-Dan took me outside and I lost my shit. And see here's the thing: We all react to things differently. Where someone else might curse, break something or try to bring someone down. I just cry or get sick. It's how I deal with stress.

I know I'm emotional. I know I'm sensitive and i know that, with the exception of a few people, I can give it but i can't take it. And those people know who they are and everone else i kind of just avoid confrontation with. Maybe that's why people think i'm not fun....

But anyway. So that whole thing happened maybe three weeks ago now. And you know what? people, the key people from that night, are still talking about it! it's like.. just get over it!! I'm done with it. I had moved past it. I even tried making amends to the one person I flipped out on. I apologized for being overdramatic.

And I guess it's silly or just proving their point to get emotional over being called emotional. But It just makes me want to shut down.
You know.. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not too hard to tell if I'm having a good or bad day.
And to shut down means that I'm not going to be able to have the same relationships I had with these work people.
But I almost feel like it's the only way to survive. Because you know what.. like one of the people that was talking about it still-turns around and tells me I'm one of her favorite people at work. And that's cool and all-but that's not what I call a good friend.
Good friends don't sell you out. They have your back. No matter what. End of story. If you are my friend and you want to call me out on something. Tell me. Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Don't tell the biggest asshole in the restuarant. That's bull shit.

So I feel like shutting down.
When I cant get keep from getting down
And I grow tired of hangin round
I become invisible, unlivable
Just dysfunctional
Shut down

the end.