I don't remember much about my childhood at all I think maybe it is because I forced myself to forget it because I didn't like it, I always felt there was something missing. I remember that I was always a quiet kid and that I never fit in with the girls so instead I played wall-ball with the boys. I think playing with the boys inspired a thirst to prove myself.

Unfortunately being a quiet kid and wanting to prove myself couldn't both be done. I think this made me angry because I remember as I grew older I didn't really have a best friend anymore and throughout the rest of elementary school and middle school I was always butting heads with some of the boys and always avoiding friendships with the girls.

I became a loner until highschool when I found my spot with the diner junkies where I would disappear to for hours drinking dozens of cups of coffee a night, talking about music and just feeling free to be who I was. I remember always envying my new friends who felt comfortable being the center of attention because I was terrified to have all eyes on my and say something wrong and lose these friends. I think that's really where I began to adopt a different persona, one that used more drugs and did "harder" things.

This persona has caused me a lot of grief because I feel it to be a big fake lie. I don't believe that this person is me and I think it has caused me to retract the real me into myself again because people liked me when I was a junkie. People liked me when I was getting clean. But that is not who I am and I am desperate to break the cycle of what people think of me.

I guess I want to start over and make myself a better, more outgoing, more useful, person. I feel like I have no purpose and this barely-doing-anything day after day routine is really helping to make me feel useless and unwanted.

Maybe it's unjustified, I know I'm a good person but I'd really like a clean slate with some of my friends at least. But how am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to come clean? I'm a big fake and it drives me crazy.