Megan is feeling...

I'm feeling guilty, neurotic, anxious, confused, scared and who the hell knows what else. So much has gone down in the past few weeks and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it all; I am used to having answers and problem solving and being the person that can step outside of a situation and figure it out. Now I'm stuck, lost and confused about what is going to happen.

Let me recap the past couple of weeks:

Two weeks ago I went down to Delaware to be with Kristen and her family and being there showed me the strength of family and or the individual (her mom) who came out of surgery and was immediately telling jokes. That weekend I decided that, because I never want to be the reason the people I love experience that much sorrow and anxiety over me, I was going to quit smoking. So I had my last cigarette that Sunday and drove the two hours home not smoking at all and still have not had a cigarette.
Let me tell you that my dedication to this decision has probably made all the difference in the world. I don't crave a cigarette when I wake up or after eating or out of boredom or just because it has been ten minutes since my last one. I have lost the desire to smoke. It is amazing.

Moving on...
Kyle is home on leave before his deployment on the 5th. It's been an emotional time for the family as everyone comes to say goodbye and really begin to come to terms with his leaving us again. It's a difficult time and I find myself day-dreaming about having found an apartment so I wouldn't have to be around for this. Because did I mention that not only is my brother leaving oh yeah-my mother is a big cheater. I'm unsure of the exact terms of the affair, it may only be emotional, but that is still cheating. And I'm sorry but if there is something wrong or missing from a relationship-a MARRIAGE than you fucking sit and talk it out. You make it work or you end it. You don't lie, you don't cheat, you don't break your partners heart.

My father already suffers heavily from depression. He takes situations too seriously and somewhere in the back of his mind thinks that no one loves him and now with his son-who he looks at as his buddy, his friend, there is even some hero worship there-being shipped over seas for the next six months, and his wife who is cheating on him but says-things just got carried away and, I'm so sorry and regretful, and I think we can work past this (which by the way I think is very ballsy of her to say)-I really just don't think my dad can survive all of this. And it terrifies me. I want to hide his drugs, I want to dump his booze. I want to put him somewhere he can't hurt himself because I am so afraid for him. I think this might kill him.

I feel guilty because I do not want to be here anymore even though my father needs someone to turn to. I feel like I just don't want to have anything to do with it.

I feel fake because I told Kristen my secret and I think other people deserve to know but I'm feel selfish because I don't want to have those conversations.

I feel sad for my parents and for myself because where is the hope for me in a successful long term relationship if I based everything I know off of my parents and now all that shit is a lie.

I'm so angry yet understandable at the same time with my mother. How could she? How fucking could she do this to my father and then turn around and try to down play it the very next day. But I understand the kind of guy my father is and how there is probably a lot she cannot get from him. But that still doesn't make it OK to do what she did. But I feel dirty for finding some justification in all of it.

My heart is broken. My father was sitting in a corner in his room sobbing today. Completely broken. And right now as I write this my mother is in her nice warm bed while my father is sleeping on the couch. I feel like that's a little twisted.

What I am angry about most of all is the fact that, even though he does, Kyle isn't supposed to know what is going on. How the fuck do they expect me to be able to handle all of this on my own?? I am tempted to sit my mother down and ask for specific details because if I am the one that has to be here walking on eggshells and picking up the broken pieces I want to know all of what happened. And if she isn't willing to give me that much well then... I really don't want anything to do with her anymore.

It's just all so confusing. I wish I could put everything into words.

Still haven't smoked yet though.. that's got to count for something right??


love I guess..
meg