Time is contagious everybody's getting old

I'm kind of over this feeling sorry for myself bullshit. I walk around looking like someone just killed my dog and the world is ending. Well I'm tired of it. I identify myself as a recovering addict and let stupid decisions of my past ruin my present, and give me a bleak outlook on the future. I look for fault in any realationship I'm in, wait for the other shoe to drop because I am so convinced that I don't deserve happiness. And what did I do that was so bad? What did I do that has tainted me so much that I believe nothing good is allowed to happen in my life? Maybe I lied a little here and there. Maybe I hurt a couple feelings and was a nasty bitch from time to time. Maybe I played around with illegal substances and maybe, I lied.

Today. Right now. I don't think any of that means I'm not allowed to be happy. I don't think it means I'm not allowed to have a second chance. Whenever someone I know messes up, or acts like a bitch or is caught in a lie, I give them a second chance or a third and so on. Why is it that all the rules apply to everyone else but me? I don't think I have been gentle on myself, I don't think I've been fair to myself. And for once, I'm the most important person in my life.

So I'm going to cut the crap. Get over it. And let it be. I'm giving myself a clean slate. As of right now I have nothing to identify myself with. I'm not a recovering addict, I'm a girl that experimented with drugs and got over it. I'm not a bitch, I'm a typical girl who has had a few mood swings. I am no better than anyone else, and no one-no one-else is better than me.

It's time I started giving myself a little credit where credit is due and treat myself with the same respect I treat perfect strangers. It's time I stopped living in the past and watching it so much that the present smacks me in the face.

And I'm done.
peace.

Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old
So you can sit on chimneys
Put some fire up your ass
No need to know what you're doing or looking for
But if anyone should ask
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt
La la la la la la la

try not to screw this up again

I'm really starting to think that I'm not stable. It's five in the morning, Dan has just gone home after not talking to be for the past three hours and what am I doing? I'm drinking a beer. I'm crying my eyes out and my body is shaking from the cold and from sobbing.
I don't think that I am healthy. I really think I need help, so this is my admission take it or leave it. I feel like a piece of shit, I feel broken and beaten. I feel like I just want a little love in my life, because it hurts feeling to god damn lonely.
I don't want to sleep because there is no one in the house and because I feel so broken. I want god back in my life, I don't know who abandoned who but I really want serenity in my life.

Maybe I'm just not supposed to be happy. Maybe I'm not healthy enough to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm just a fucking phony. I think I need to go somewhere no one knows me, start over, and come clean. Because these secrets are ripping me apart and I can't tell anyone because they are so set in stone, so many believe them to be my life. My LIFE. But it's all a lie. And it's too late now.

All that I do, comes back to you
So I'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
All I can do, is try not to screw this up again
And just be friends, I'd rather be dead.

we'll sit and sing a song of what we did wrong

This is going to be kind of a long one and kind of a tough one. So bear with me for a moment. There are a few things on my mind that I just want to get out, so the first half is some old shit and the second is some new shit.

It seems that I cannot escape the reality that I used to be an active user and then an actively recovering addict and now I’m just Megan. Saturday night I had a table of girls and I walk up to the table and recognized someone I used to see at meetings. I said “Hi Rosy!” very excitedly-she didn’t recognize me at first which was understandable. But then she ordered a drink and my heart just sank. I couldn’t say no because one, she’s a big girl and can make her own choices and two, I’m not going to sit around refusing to serve alcohol to people-that’s not my responsibility. Well, as I was dropping off the drink she said that she remembered me. And I guess I kind of wish that she hadn’t. I think it would have made things easier.

And today I sat in history class next to this boy that I used to see at the Denville meeting (my home-group) all the time. And we were just chatting and he said that he was thinking about me the other day because the anniversary meeting was coming up for the group was coming up. I got this knot in my stomach because I was selected as one of two speakers at the last anniversary meeting. And I almost felt homesick and I almost want to go back just to say hi and be in that atmosphere again.

I feel like something is missing when I think about going to meetings. It was such a big part of my life for such a long time that it is still hard, to this day to separate myself from it when people bring up people I once knew and called my family.

I know I could go back if I wanted to, the doors are always open. But at the same time I do not think I need what they have to offer me anymore. I think I miss the 24 hour support group and I miss having people that could identify with any situation I was going through. But I do not miss the bullshit and the trash talk and the whispers behind my back that comes along with the meetings. And I do not do not do not want to see him. Never, ever, again.

And the crazy thing is that as I was driving home from class today with all of these thoughts about this old life of mine running crazy in my head-every single song that came on reminded me of him. It was either one that I heard a lot when we first got together, or one he introduced me to.

Life with him was not healthy. It was a sick and bitter relationship based on one-upping each other. I knew from the beginning that it was bad news; and I did not like me, I did not like me and him and I am pretty sure that no one else liked me and him either. And that is what it came down to. But I was blinded by something I thought was good and right and meant happiness-when it really only brought me pain in every aspect and relationship of my life.

So I know that I cannot go back there because I cannot face him. And there are people that I would love to make amends to but I am too afraid of him and what he might do to confront any of them. And that, my friend, is truly sad.
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Now for entry two
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Remember when 9.11 happened and we sat together watching in horror, or when we first began bombing the middle east and again we sat together watching the explosions through the night vision camera footage streaming in and we sat there satisfied that some action was being taken and we cheered for American justice and revenge. Then we started hunting Osama and ended up with Saddam but it was ok because it was a great evil leader and it boosted moral and it was two points for America.

America sat together as one, hand in hand watching the horrors unfold. But we were unified and we cheered on our boys overseas, we put stickers on our cars, we started organizations like adoptasoldier to make certain that none were left alone over there.
Do you know what the number six means to me? It means the number of times, in a three hour period, that 9.11 was dropped on TV last night.

But despite that sense of community and togetherness and despite how we came together to cheer on our troops and to take pride in our country the number zero represents the number of “support our troop” magnets I’ve seen in the past week. Those magnets popped up like a widespread disease and now they are gone-all of them; because America has moved on and forgotten about our boys.

9.11 is now just a term to grab attention. That date is thrown around by politicians for widespread political clout, because even though it seems like America at large has -forgotten the consequences of that date-no one wants to be that guy that is against something when that horrifying day is brought up.

I guess this is all coming up now because Kyle is being deployed again. So is James and so is my cousin Paul-and it is too much for me to handle. The war I do not agree with but I support the men and women over there doing their job-and that is what it is, a job. I don’t mind if America at large wants to say Bush is an idiot or that the war is unnecessary, because I agree whole-heartedly with that. But when these soldiers are still being sent over support, even seven years later, should still be prominent. I think it is disgusting how easily people forget and how quickly casualties turn into another tally on the score sheet of death and how easily people will pass over this number: 4,052 which represent the number of confirmed US deaths from the Iraq war alone. I don’t understand how anyone can look at that number, and then look the other way and take a magnet off their car. I just don’t understand how people could stop caring.

I have not stopped caring once, and I won’t until they all come home. Every single one of them.

Sometimes I wonder if life is out to get me. If it is all just one big conspiracy to make a joke out of me.
I guess I just hope someone is laughing.
More tomorrow?

Lighten up

So I started my second round of observations today at my very own elementary school. It was a heck of a lot of fun but it did kind of make me want to teach high school. But what I want to write about was something that my teacher said to me. I had her for the third and fifth grade so I felt comfortable with her but today she told me that she remembers me as being a solom, intense child that couldn't seem to lighten up about anything. I kind of laughed it off and said that yeah, and I haven't changed much either.

But I don't know, I thought about that all day. I mean, I know I'm sensitive and I know I keep to myself but to be told that I've always been like this? And it's funny because I ran into an old classmate maybe a month ago now who said the same thing to me! I remember being a tomboy and always thinking I was older than I was, and I remember never really being happy at any point in time, the third grade or now even... But it just doesn't sit well with me that I've always been this intense and unhappy.

I need to lighten up. Apparently I've never been able to, and I really don't think I even know how to. I try to stay out of confrontation and I try to laugh at myself but in my mind I always take it that one step foward and analyze every letter, sentence, and punctuation mark to find out what you are "really" saying to me. Haha, it can't be healthy.

But how does someone lighten up? I mean really. I get it that there is only one chance to live, only one chance to leave your mark. But I'm still beating myself up over shit that happened months or even years ago. And because I'm still kicking myself in the ass over those things, I'm trying very hard not to mess anything up anymore. And because I'm trying so hard not to mess anything up anymore, I'm not taking any risks. And without risks I don't think I'm having alot of fun, and I'm intense, and afraid to have fun and I just can't lighten up.

So this is an s.o.s to any of you readers out there.. the ones that I know and the ones that I don't. Please tell me how I can lighten up. Like the things that you know of me that you think prevent me from lightening up. The things that you think I personally need to do or could do to lighten up. Or the things you do. Because I really need some help from everyone, because I don't know how to.

Thanks guys.

sense of belonging

Those of you that have known me for a long time know what this picture is. It's me being "that camper," and making a sandcastle out of lakeweed. Someone pointed out that there is no lakeweed in this picture, don't worry, it came later. Now I usually joke about this picture and making that castle because I was such a dorky camper. But really I can tell you exactly what I was feeling that day.

This was taken my first year as an older girl, I had done ENL when it was still in maple glen. I was the youngest-older-girl there. I remember that on this day we had gone to the state park and I had decided before we left, that I wasn't going to bring my bathing suit because i didn't want to have fun. I knew I wasn't going to want to participate.

I remember it was insanely hot and I was sitting by myself in the burning sand and I built this castle. Wizzy being the ever caring counselor that she was came over and played with me.

I was so freakin lame.

And so today for whatever reason I was thinking about that picture and how I didn't feel like I belonged in that program, or at camp or anywhere. And you've got to understand I was maybe 12. Those are some heavy thoughts for a 12 year old. And then I started thinking about today. And I started thinking about what I was like now, almost eight years later. And I still don't feel like I belong. And I think that is really sad.

I thought about that on the way to school today. Just driving in my car thinking about whatever-people watching. And realizing how I don't really have any friends and I don't really fit in with any group of people. All I do is work. I escape into it because it's easy to say "oh the reason I don't go to parties is because I work too much." When really-I don't have to work as much as I do. I just choose to.
I don't know.


Now on the other hand... I know who I am, I know how I react and I know to stay away from certain situations and whatnot because I will react badly.
Like A few weeks ago at work I had this rediculas melt down because I was really stressed out from getting table after table. Ok. No big deal. I was "in charge" of the other staff, making sure they did their job. Again, no big deal. But then people who tell me that they are my friends start telling me I'm doing my job wrong-that they don't agree with what I do. And you know what? Probably on any other day I wouldn't have been such a melodramatic fuck but I broke down-Dan took me outside and I lost my shit. And see here's the thing: We all react to things differently. Where someone else might curse, break something or try to bring someone down. I just cry or get sick. It's how I deal with stress.

I know I'm emotional. I know I'm sensitive and i know that, with the exception of a few people, I can give it but i can't take it. And those people know who they are and everone else i kind of just avoid confrontation with. Maybe that's why people think i'm not fun....

But anyway. So that whole thing happened maybe three weeks ago now. And you know what? people, the key people from that night, are still talking about it! it's like.. just get over it!! I'm done with it. I had moved past it. I even tried making amends to the one person I flipped out on. I apologized for being overdramatic.

And I guess it's silly or just proving their point to get emotional over being called emotional. But It just makes me want to shut down.
You know.. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not too hard to tell if I'm having a good or bad day.
And to shut down means that I'm not going to be able to have the same relationships I had with these work people.
But I almost feel like it's the only way to survive. Because you know what.. like one of the people that was talking about it still-turns around and tells me I'm one of her favorite people at work. And that's cool and all-but that's not what I call a good friend.
Good friends don't sell you out. They have your back. No matter what. End of story. If you are my friend and you want to call me out on something. Tell me. Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Don't tell the biggest asshole in the restuarant. That's bull shit.

So I feel like shutting down.
When I cant get keep from getting down
And I grow tired of hangin round
I become invisible, unlivable
Just dysfunctional
Shut down

the end.

Graduating class of 2006

The graduating class of 2006. Finally done with highschool drama, crying in the girls room, running home to our parents to tattle on our class mates. Being a narc. (see that's funny because i've been accused of being a narc like seven times from highschool and still today. and it's funny because I never was. I used dope for five years and I didn't give a shit about anyone else, I didn't even care to be friends with anyone else that used. so yeah-obviously I was the narc. just wanted to get that out there.)
Well i thought that i was done with high school. but apparently no one else notices that. and i'm really getting tired of all the bullshit drama and i'm really thinking that i should reevaluate my "friends" because 1. i don't think i should be walking on eggshells around my friends. 2. im pretty sure friends aren't supposed to treat eachother the way that some of us do. And these are work friends and camp friends. but see the difference between work and camp friends is like work-it's a job, you're there for a few hours to make money and there are no rules so you have to be tough to get through.
but camp friends-these are the ones that i'm kind of disappointed in and i really dont care who that upsets. What i don't understand abotu camp friends is that we became friends because of camp. because we loved being in the woods singing songs being dirty and making a great environment for the girls to have a summer in.
But now it's gotten made into being a power-tripping environment where everyone thinks it's about them and people cant get past change and people that they don't like. and that's gross. it really is. like friday. people, myself included, went out of their way to make her feel unwelcome. and you know what? she did suck. but she had just as much right to be there as I did. i think somewhere along the line we all forgot why we work at camp, why we became friends in the first place. We all started doubting that our boss was right and started thinking that we could do it better than she could.
I'm done with it.
I'm going back to camp this year and I'm doing my job to the best of my ability. If i have to make new friends to do that i will. but I'm sick of this bullshit that's been flying around for the past eight ish months. camp used to be my favorite place and i'm not going to dread going back there because people want to act like five year olds.
So stop bringing me into your drama. As of now I've made up with everyone. I'm on good terms with everyone. and i'm not taking sides anymore i don't care who you are or how far back we go.

On a lighter note, I just got home from visiting Copper and Mac in North Carolina today. And it was really good to see them even if we didn't do much. we tried to get an ID but that fell through and since you two read this i just want you to know that that wasn't my reason for the visit i really just wanted to see two of my favorites.

anyway taco thursday has arrived. then the bar! love.