Just to live one day in those shoes..

I look to the people around me for inspiration. I look to them for guidance. And I look to the people around me for hope. There is one person in particular that I have always looked up to, who has so many qualities that I aspire to have. She is my neighbor and my cousin’s mother-in-law, and probably one of the most selfless people I have ever had the good fortune to know.

She was there for my family to help organize nearly everything when my uncle died a few years back; she is always around when I need a second opinion or some advice on life; and she seems to always be ready and willing when you need a favor. She is who I think of when I think of a good person or someone I wish to be like.

I want to have the reputation she does-I want to be the person that people call when they need a favor. I want to be the house that neighbors visit when they need a friendly ear. I want to be the person that can walk around and everyone is happy to see them. I just want to be the good person that she is. I don’t want to be famous or powerful or anything like that; I want to be the person that is just as important as the rich famous and powerful, to the few lives that they touch on a day-t0-day basis.

Breath

I'm happy to say that life is back to the way it is supposed to be and that I am breathing again.

Last week was really tough and I don't know if the fact that my brother is "on vacation" has really hit me yet; the goodbye was kind of abrupt: a hug and a kiss and then he was walking away. I guess I just figured he was coming back for a few more minutes or something. But he was just gone. The abruptness is really still kind of shocking but I understand having things to do and not wanting to stick around for a twenty minute sob fest.

But today I went back to work for a double shift and it was really actually nice just to be back in my stride at work of kissing peoples asses, bull shitting with my co-workers and just doing anything to keep myself busy and pass the time as quickly as possible.

Having breakfast and spending time with the boy after work helped to bring normalacy back a lot as well. I really missed that kid. Man. Whatever.

OK so I quit smoking and biting my nails about a month ago now. Now it's on to step two-losing some weight and getting into better shape. I wish it wasn't getting so cold out running in the cold is the worst. My reason for this is because I feel like if I keep doing nice things for myself ie: treating my body better I might start feeling better about myself.

Because I'm super tired of being forgotten, letting myself get put down, and hating myself. I want to be someone worth being, and worth being proud of.

That's all for now I'm too tired to write anymore.

Love.

4 hours..

In three hours my brother will getting changed into his cammies putting his boots on and doing one last mental check to make sure everything is in order.

In three and a half hours we will be in the car driving to Littl.e C.reak Nav.al Base to drop Kyle off on that base with his unit.

In four hours we will be saying goodbye, getting one last hug and kiss before we watch him grab his gear and walk away from us for probably eight months.

I think I'm starting to feel the sadness, it's creeping in and grabbing onto my heart.

It's been a stressful day for everyone, Kyle didn't sleep last night because he was stressing and anxious completely understandable. We ran some errands together and tried to keep the mood light singing songs, joking around, and finding random funny videos on you.tube. It's tough because we've known this was coming for months, this entire year has been leading up to this one day for us and now that it is here Kyle and I both agree that we just wish it was Friday. Friday means that he'll be in country and I'll be back to my normal life.

Friday means breathing again. And I cannot wait.

Three hours thirty eight minutes...

Update

For anyone that cares and doesn't know, I am down in Virginia with my mother and father visiting with Kyle before we have to say goodbye Wednesday at midnight for 6-8 months.

I feel as if my lungs are constricted and refusing to allow oxygen into my body. These past two nights have been sleepless and I have been on the verge of panic each time I lay down in my bed (which by the way I am terrified of sleeping in places that aren't camp. I don't even feel safe sleeping in my own bed at home) I can't swallow and my muscles are tense and making me jumpy at every little movement or sound. I'm falling rapidly towards a breakdown and I just can't slow anything down.

I want to slow down the time that we have to spend with Kyle so that everyone can relax and enjoy the moment instead of making this week uncomfortable-like my father has. He is constantly on edge and letting everyone know how miserable he is and his attitude is not making this trip a memory he's making it a chore. He is making my brother uncomfortable and me wish desperately for Friday when we will have said goodbye and be back in Jersey. I think it is so unfortunate that that is where my mind is at; unfortunate that I am not thinking that every day is a gift that I just want to be back to my normal life of working, reading, and Dan.

I want to be angry with my parents for the shit that they put each other, themselves and me through in the past couple of weeks. I want to be angry at my father for not realizing that it is not all about him that his son might be leaving for 6-8 months but my best friend is leaving for that long too. I want to shout, "how dare you take this away from me?! How dare you act so pathetic?!"

How dare he?

How dare I be this angry during such a time. Every single day is a gift and I'm taking them for granted and I'm miserable and I'm crying and I'm panicking and maybe I think I might be making this all about me. I so badly want to return my life to the normalcy of Jersey where day after day is the same thing where I'm not stuck in a hotel room counting down the hours until I can escape from my parents and the impending breakdown.

I want to be able to breath again.

I don't remember much about my childhood at all I think maybe it is because I forced myself to forget it because I didn't like it, I always felt there was something missing. I remember that I was always a quiet kid and that I never fit in with the girls so instead I played wall-ball with the boys. I think playing with the boys inspired a thirst to prove myself.

Unfortunately being a quiet kid and wanting to prove myself couldn't both be done. I think this made me angry because I remember as I grew older I didn't really have a best friend anymore and throughout the rest of elementary school and middle school I was always butting heads with some of the boys and always avoiding friendships with the girls.

I became a loner until highschool when I found my spot with the diner junkies where I would disappear to for hours drinking dozens of cups of coffee a night, talking about music and just feeling free to be who I was. I remember always envying my new friends who felt comfortable being the center of attention because I was terrified to have all eyes on my and say something wrong and lose these friends. I think that's really where I began to adopt a different persona, one that used more drugs and did "harder" things.

This persona has caused me a lot of grief because I feel it to be a big fake lie. I don't believe that this person is me and I think it has caused me to retract the real me into myself again because people liked me when I was a junkie. People liked me when I was getting clean. But that is not who I am and I am desperate to break the cycle of what people think of me.

I guess I want to start over and make myself a better, more outgoing, more useful, person. I feel like I have no purpose and this barely-doing-anything day after day routine is really helping to make me feel useless and unwanted.

Maybe it's unjustified, I know I'm a good person but I'd really like a clean slate with some of my friends at least. But how am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to come clean? I'm a big fake and it drives me crazy.

And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

I really don't have a clue what is going on anymore. Last night Kyle got in from the bar and filled me in on his theory of my parents having had a make-up session. And you know what? Great. Awesome. Fantastic. I'm glad that they have worked things out to some sick satisfaction. But I am beyond angry right now over the whole thing.

This morning I received a phone call from my aunt (my dad's sister) asking me to fill her in on what is going on-I let it go to voice mail but when I finally got out of bed to tell my dad he needed to call her he gave me attitude asking about him to call his sister!!! Listen I get it that he doesn't want anyone concerned but holy fuck don't you dare take anything out on me. I do not care if I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and found all of this out but I have also been the one that he broke down sobbing to for the past two days.

So a while later my father and brother went to the movies and I went up to my mom and told her that I needed to say something. So I told her that if she ever did anything like that again-she would no longer be my mother. I told her that I had lived these past few days in fear of my father's stability.

I guess all the stress from the past couple of days had just caught up to me this morning when I let that anger out and lashed out on my mother. I think this might be sick but I really got a lot of satisfaction out making her cry. I'm just so angry.

But I really want to thank all the people that have been around to listen to me. Kelsey who, even though I've only met once, sat with me on the phone for like twenty minutes during the phillies game; Kris who put up with my drunken-babbling-bawling at random hours of the day; everyone who has texted me to just say that they love me; and mostly my boy who dealt with a lot of drunken crying and I love yous, and threats if he ever thinks of pulling this shit with me and still wanted to be there and drink beer in my car and sing stupid love songs with me.

I don't know where I would be without any of you. I don't know if I'd survive, without a friend like you in my life..

Thanks everyone.

Megan is feeling...

I'm feeling guilty, neurotic, anxious, confused, scared and who the hell knows what else. So much has gone down in the past few weeks and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it all; I am used to having answers and problem solving and being the person that can step outside of a situation and figure it out. Now I'm stuck, lost and confused about what is going to happen.

Let me recap the past couple of weeks:

Two weeks ago I went down to Delaware to be with Kristen and her family and being there showed me the strength of family and or the individual (her mom) who came out of surgery and was immediately telling jokes. That weekend I decided that, because I never want to be the reason the people I love experience that much sorrow and anxiety over me, I was going to quit smoking. So I had my last cigarette that Sunday and drove the two hours home not smoking at all and still have not had a cigarette.
Let me tell you that my dedication to this decision has probably made all the difference in the world. I don't crave a cigarette when I wake up or after eating or out of boredom or just because it has been ten minutes since my last one. I have lost the desire to smoke. It is amazing.

Moving on...
Kyle is home on leave before his deployment on the 5th. It's been an emotional time for the family as everyone comes to say goodbye and really begin to come to terms with his leaving us again. It's a difficult time and I find myself day-dreaming about having found an apartment so I wouldn't have to be around for this. Because did I mention that not only is my brother leaving oh yeah-my mother is a big cheater. I'm unsure of the exact terms of the affair, it may only be emotional, but that is still cheating. And I'm sorry but if there is something wrong or missing from a relationship-a MARRIAGE than you fucking sit and talk it out. You make it work or you end it. You don't lie, you don't cheat, you don't break your partners heart.

My father already suffers heavily from depression. He takes situations too seriously and somewhere in the back of his mind thinks that no one loves him and now with his son-who he looks at as his buddy, his friend, there is even some hero worship there-being shipped over seas for the next six months, and his wife who is cheating on him but says-things just got carried away and, I'm so sorry and regretful, and I think we can work past this (which by the way I think is very ballsy of her to say)-I really just don't think my dad can survive all of this. And it terrifies me. I want to hide his drugs, I want to dump his booze. I want to put him somewhere he can't hurt himself because I am so afraid for him. I think this might kill him.

I feel guilty because I do not want to be here anymore even though my father needs someone to turn to. I feel like I just don't want to have anything to do with it.

I feel fake because I told Kristen my secret and I think other people deserve to know but I'm feel selfish because I don't want to have those conversations.

I feel sad for my parents and for myself because where is the hope for me in a successful long term relationship if I based everything I know off of my parents and now all that shit is a lie.

I'm so angry yet understandable at the same time with my mother. How could she? How fucking could she do this to my father and then turn around and try to down play it the very next day. But I understand the kind of guy my father is and how there is probably a lot she cannot get from him. But that still doesn't make it OK to do what she did. But I feel dirty for finding some justification in all of it.

My heart is broken. My father was sitting in a corner in his room sobbing today. Completely broken. And right now as I write this my mother is in her nice warm bed while my father is sleeping on the couch. I feel like that's a little twisted.

What I am angry about most of all is the fact that, even though he does, Kyle isn't supposed to know what is going on. How the fuck do they expect me to be able to handle all of this on my own?? I am tempted to sit my mother down and ask for specific details because if I am the one that has to be here walking on eggshells and picking up the broken pieces I want to know all of what happened. And if she isn't willing to give me that much well then... I really don't want anything to do with her anymore.

It's just all so confusing. I wish I could put everything into words.

Still haven't smoked yet though.. that's got to count for something right??


love I guess..
meg