I don't even know where to begin tonight I'm sad and disappointed in most of the people I know whether they be friends or family and I've been finding myself pushing away from all of them because I don't want to be let down. Now I understand that not everyone will drop everything to drive four hours at three in the morning to help a friend but I'd like to know someone will drive twenty minutes to be there for me. Or that my friends will be happy for me no matter what I choose to do with my life. So maybe I'm exagerating with my reaction but I feel better pushing everyone away than keeping anyone close.

At the same time I miss having friends. I went out with two friends from highschool a few nights ago and they sat talking about a group of friends that I once belonged to. For whatever reason I was kind of pushed out of the group as we went through highschool and now I only talk to the two of them. These guys get together all the time; now I don't think I even like who any of them have become, but it makes me kind of sad that they decided they didn't want me to be a part of anymore. I feel kind of rejected. I kind of feel like this is happening with my now friends, and I want to push everyone away before they can kick me out, because that hurts too much.

But I guess we grow up and grow apart. We invest time in people and we gain bonds of love and trust, but as time goes by we change and we no longer like who are friends are and they become people that we will always love but can't find ourselves to trust with the important things anymore.

I don't know kids, I need time away from all of this. I can't wait to move, I'm afraid of being alone and ruining the best thing in my life right now, but I can't stand to be in this shit hole anymore.

I find it amazing that I could wake up one day and decide to quit smoking and two months later be smoke free. Amazing that I quit biting my nails, that I cut down on coffee, that I made a decision to treat my body better by eating better and exercising more. I've made big changes in my life in the past few months, figuring out school on my own and getting ready to move to a completely different state where I know one person. Huge changes. Huge life changing decisions. But what I find amazing out of all of this is how I still am not happy, how I'm still the miserable person I've been for as long as I remember.

I've never had a great deal of self esteem, not because I think that I'm a bad person because I don't think that. I honestly think I'm a good person but I don't think that I deserve good things. I think that there are millions of people that deserve good things and happiness before me. I couldn't figure this out for the life of me.

I always knew that I kept ending up in emotionally abusive relationships I guess I never really understood why. I can't remember one specific time when I was happy. I can't remember any of my childhood. I can't remember anything. Because I blocked it out, I blocked it all out. I was a miserable kid, and through lots of talking with the love of my life (yeah yeah) I've come to the conclusion that I had kind of an abusive childhood-not like physically but definitely emotionally. I was never the center of attention, in fact I was always made to feel like my brothers were somehow better than me-deserved more love, attention, whatever than me. I would fade into the background because I didn't think I deserved any attention. The only time I was the center of my parents day was when I was yelled at or blamed for whatever, when I was made the scape goat.

It's a God awful feeling. Feeling like you don't deserve love and it opened me up to dating older men. Men who were outgoing, charismatic, older (which meant wiser and could take care of me)and who had a lot of friend. I wanted inclusion and attention. I wanted to be a part of something-a disgusting desire that has messed with my life more than once. As it turns out all the guys I'm attracted to are actually assholes who I guess subconsciously I want to be with so that they can tell me I'm a piece of shit. (Yeah again with the self esteem.) Unfortunately for my subconscious and fortunately for me I found Dan. But that's not the point.

I don't want to be miserable anymore, it really hurts all day every day. I don't want to be angry with my parents for not knowing how to love their daughter. But I don't know how to move past all that and heal and be happy and like myself. I want to believe that I deserve good things like really believe it. But it is so damn hard and I just don't know how to. I don't know how to be happy.

I guess not the happiest post for the season. Meh.

I don't even know where to begin these past few weeks have been like a roller coaster of stress for me, so much so that I didn't even want to think about my problems let alone write about them. I finally got fed up with my school and decided to just show up at my adviser's office and sit outside her door until she saw me luckily she did see to me and I am registered for enough classes to get housing-something that has been stressing me out the most. Now I just need to be assigned housing

Other than that I guess there isn't a whole lot to talk about.. I haven't been inspired by much lately-just really angry at a lot of people for being unfair or selfish or just mean people. I'll tell you I'm really looking forward to going away to school and moving and getting away from these people and starting over and being able to decide who I want to deal with for myself. Definitely looking forward to a change.

Anyway that's all for now until I'm inspired by something.. love.

Just to live one day in those shoes..

I look to the people around me for inspiration. I look to them for guidance. And I look to the people around me for hope. There is one person in particular that I have always looked up to, who has so many qualities that I aspire to have. She is my neighbor and my cousin’s mother-in-law, and probably one of the most selfless people I have ever had the good fortune to know.

She was there for my family to help organize nearly everything when my uncle died a few years back; she is always around when I need a second opinion or some advice on life; and she seems to always be ready and willing when you need a favor. She is who I think of when I think of a good person or someone I wish to be like.

I want to have the reputation she does-I want to be the person that people call when they need a favor. I want to be the house that neighbors visit when they need a friendly ear. I want to be the person that can walk around and everyone is happy to see them. I just want to be the good person that she is. I don’t want to be famous or powerful or anything like that; I want to be the person that is just as important as the rich famous and powerful, to the few lives that they touch on a day-t0-day basis.

Breath

I'm happy to say that life is back to the way it is supposed to be and that I am breathing again.

Last week was really tough and I don't know if the fact that my brother is "on vacation" has really hit me yet; the goodbye was kind of abrupt: a hug and a kiss and then he was walking away. I guess I just figured he was coming back for a few more minutes or something. But he was just gone. The abruptness is really still kind of shocking but I understand having things to do and not wanting to stick around for a twenty minute sob fest.

But today I went back to work for a double shift and it was really actually nice just to be back in my stride at work of kissing peoples asses, bull shitting with my co-workers and just doing anything to keep myself busy and pass the time as quickly as possible.

Having breakfast and spending time with the boy after work helped to bring normalacy back a lot as well. I really missed that kid. Man. Whatever.

OK so I quit smoking and biting my nails about a month ago now. Now it's on to step two-losing some weight and getting into better shape. I wish it wasn't getting so cold out running in the cold is the worst. My reason for this is because I feel like if I keep doing nice things for myself ie: treating my body better I might start feeling better about myself.

Because I'm super tired of being forgotten, letting myself get put down, and hating myself. I want to be someone worth being, and worth being proud of.

That's all for now I'm too tired to write anymore.

Love.

4 hours..

In three hours my brother will getting changed into his cammies putting his boots on and doing one last mental check to make sure everything is in order.

In three and a half hours we will be in the car driving to Littl.e C.reak Nav.al Base to drop Kyle off on that base with his unit.

In four hours we will be saying goodbye, getting one last hug and kiss before we watch him grab his gear and walk away from us for probably eight months.

I think I'm starting to feel the sadness, it's creeping in and grabbing onto my heart.

It's been a stressful day for everyone, Kyle didn't sleep last night because he was stressing and anxious completely understandable. We ran some errands together and tried to keep the mood light singing songs, joking around, and finding random funny videos on you.tube. It's tough because we've known this was coming for months, this entire year has been leading up to this one day for us and now that it is here Kyle and I both agree that we just wish it was Friday. Friday means that he'll be in country and I'll be back to my normal life.

Friday means breathing again. And I cannot wait.

Three hours thirty eight minutes...

Update

For anyone that cares and doesn't know, I am down in Virginia with my mother and father visiting with Kyle before we have to say goodbye Wednesday at midnight for 6-8 months.

I feel as if my lungs are constricted and refusing to allow oxygen into my body. These past two nights have been sleepless and I have been on the verge of panic each time I lay down in my bed (which by the way I am terrified of sleeping in places that aren't camp. I don't even feel safe sleeping in my own bed at home) I can't swallow and my muscles are tense and making me jumpy at every little movement or sound. I'm falling rapidly towards a breakdown and I just can't slow anything down.

I want to slow down the time that we have to spend with Kyle so that everyone can relax and enjoy the moment instead of making this week uncomfortable-like my father has. He is constantly on edge and letting everyone know how miserable he is and his attitude is not making this trip a memory he's making it a chore. He is making my brother uncomfortable and me wish desperately for Friday when we will have said goodbye and be back in Jersey. I think it is so unfortunate that that is where my mind is at; unfortunate that I am not thinking that every day is a gift that I just want to be back to my normal life of working, reading, and Dan.

I want to be angry with my parents for the shit that they put each other, themselves and me through in the past couple of weeks. I want to be angry at my father for not realizing that it is not all about him that his son might be leaving for 6-8 months but my best friend is leaving for that long too. I want to shout, "how dare you take this away from me?! How dare you act so pathetic?!"

How dare he?

How dare I be this angry during such a time. Every single day is a gift and I'm taking them for granted and I'm miserable and I'm crying and I'm panicking and maybe I think I might be making this all about me. I so badly want to return my life to the normalcy of Jersey where day after day is the same thing where I'm not stuck in a hotel room counting down the hours until I can escape from my parents and the impending breakdown.

I want to be able to breath again.

I don't remember much about my childhood at all I think maybe it is because I forced myself to forget it because I didn't like it, I always felt there was something missing. I remember that I was always a quiet kid and that I never fit in with the girls so instead I played wall-ball with the boys. I think playing with the boys inspired a thirst to prove myself.

Unfortunately being a quiet kid and wanting to prove myself couldn't both be done. I think this made me angry because I remember as I grew older I didn't really have a best friend anymore and throughout the rest of elementary school and middle school I was always butting heads with some of the boys and always avoiding friendships with the girls.

I became a loner until highschool when I found my spot with the diner junkies where I would disappear to for hours drinking dozens of cups of coffee a night, talking about music and just feeling free to be who I was. I remember always envying my new friends who felt comfortable being the center of attention because I was terrified to have all eyes on my and say something wrong and lose these friends. I think that's really where I began to adopt a different persona, one that used more drugs and did "harder" things.

This persona has caused me a lot of grief because I feel it to be a big fake lie. I don't believe that this person is me and I think it has caused me to retract the real me into myself again because people liked me when I was a junkie. People liked me when I was getting clean. But that is not who I am and I am desperate to break the cycle of what people think of me.

I guess I want to start over and make myself a better, more outgoing, more useful, person. I feel like I have no purpose and this barely-doing-anything day after day routine is really helping to make me feel useless and unwanted.

Maybe it's unjustified, I know I'm a good person but I'd really like a clean slate with some of my friends at least. But how am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to come clean? I'm a big fake and it drives me crazy.

And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

I really don't have a clue what is going on anymore. Last night Kyle got in from the bar and filled me in on his theory of my parents having had a make-up session. And you know what? Great. Awesome. Fantastic. I'm glad that they have worked things out to some sick satisfaction. But I am beyond angry right now over the whole thing.

This morning I received a phone call from my aunt (my dad's sister) asking me to fill her in on what is going on-I let it go to voice mail but when I finally got out of bed to tell my dad he needed to call her he gave me attitude asking about him to call his sister!!! Listen I get it that he doesn't want anyone concerned but holy fuck don't you dare take anything out on me. I do not care if I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and found all of this out but I have also been the one that he broke down sobbing to for the past two days.

So a while later my father and brother went to the movies and I went up to my mom and told her that I needed to say something. So I told her that if she ever did anything like that again-she would no longer be my mother. I told her that I had lived these past few days in fear of my father's stability.

I guess all the stress from the past couple of days had just caught up to me this morning when I let that anger out and lashed out on my mother. I think this might be sick but I really got a lot of satisfaction out making her cry. I'm just so angry.

But I really want to thank all the people that have been around to listen to me. Kelsey who, even though I've only met once, sat with me on the phone for like twenty minutes during the phillies game; Kris who put up with my drunken-babbling-bawling at random hours of the day; everyone who has texted me to just say that they love me; and mostly my boy who dealt with a lot of drunken crying and I love yous, and threats if he ever thinks of pulling this shit with me and still wanted to be there and drink beer in my car and sing stupid love songs with me.

I don't know where I would be without any of you. I don't know if I'd survive, without a friend like you in my life..

Thanks everyone.

Megan is feeling...

I'm feeling guilty, neurotic, anxious, confused, scared and who the hell knows what else. So much has gone down in the past few weeks and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it all; I am used to having answers and problem solving and being the person that can step outside of a situation and figure it out. Now I'm stuck, lost and confused about what is going to happen.

Let me recap the past couple of weeks:

Two weeks ago I went down to Delaware to be with Kristen and her family and being there showed me the strength of family and or the individual (her mom) who came out of surgery and was immediately telling jokes. That weekend I decided that, because I never want to be the reason the people I love experience that much sorrow and anxiety over me, I was going to quit smoking. So I had my last cigarette that Sunday and drove the two hours home not smoking at all and still have not had a cigarette.
Let me tell you that my dedication to this decision has probably made all the difference in the world. I don't crave a cigarette when I wake up or after eating or out of boredom or just because it has been ten minutes since my last one. I have lost the desire to smoke. It is amazing.

Moving on...
Kyle is home on leave before his deployment on the 5th. It's been an emotional time for the family as everyone comes to say goodbye and really begin to come to terms with his leaving us again. It's a difficult time and I find myself day-dreaming about having found an apartment so I wouldn't have to be around for this. Because did I mention that not only is my brother leaving oh yeah-my mother is a big cheater. I'm unsure of the exact terms of the affair, it may only be emotional, but that is still cheating. And I'm sorry but if there is something wrong or missing from a relationship-a MARRIAGE than you fucking sit and talk it out. You make it work or you end it. You don't lie, you don't cheat, you don't break your partners heart.

My father already suffers heavily from depression. He takes situations too seriously and somewhere in the back of his mind thinks that no one loves him and now with his son-who he looks at as his buddy, his friend, there is even some hero worship there-being shipped over seas for the next six months, and his wife who is cheating on him but says-things just got carried away and, I'm so sorry and regretful, and I think we can work past this (which by the way I think is very ballsy of her to say)-I really just don't think my dad can survive all of this. And it terrifies me. I want to hide his drugs, I want to dump his booze. I want to put him somewhere he can't hurt himself because I am so afraid for him. I think this might kill him.

I feel guilty because I do not want to be here anymore even though my father needs someone to turn to. I feel like I just don't want to have anything to do with it.

I feel fake because I told Kristen my secret and I think other people deserve to know but I'm feel selfish because I don't want to have those conversations.

I feel sad for my parents and for myself because where is the hope for me in a successful long term relationship if I based everything I know off of my parents and now all that shit is a lie.

I'm so angry yet understandable at the same time with my mother. How could she? How fucking could she do this to my father and then turn around and try to down play it the very next day. But I understand the kind of guy my father is and how there is probably a lot she cannot get from him. But that still doesn't make it OK to do what she did. But I feel dirty for finding some justification in all of it.

My heart is broken. My father was sitting in a corner in his room sobbing today. Completely broken. And right now as I write this my mother is in her nice warm bed while my father is sleeping on the couch. I feel like that's a little twisted.

What I am angry about most of all is the fact that, even though he does, Kyle isn't supposed to know what is going on. How the fuck do they expect me to be able to handle all of this on my own?? I am tempted to sit my mother down and ask for specific details because if I am the one that has to be here walking on eggshells and picking up the broken pieces I want to know all of what happened. And if she isn't willing to give me that much well then... I really don't want anything to do with her anymore.

It's just all so confusing. I wish I could put everything into words.

Still haven't smoked yet though.. that's got to count for something right??


love I guess..
meg

Sure hate to break down here..

I had a bit of a panic attack today as I was cleaning my room, generally I find it theraputic to throw stuff out-my room is so tiny that, occasionally, I start to get overwhelmed and feel trapped with the amount of crap in it so today was cleaning day and I just chucked a whole bunch of stuff. I moved on from my shelves to my closet and began the even harder undertaking of choosing what was worth it to keep and what was just sentimental crap that I needed to get rid of to move on and that's when I found the box. Ted's box. Filled with cards and a teddy bear and jewelery and watch that I gave him for his birthday that he gave back to me, through a friend, after we broke up. Well I taped that box up nicely with duct tape, put it to the side for burning later, and tried to figure out what to do with the watch, I decided to take a hammer to it and about five minutes ago you could find me (as my curious neighbors did) banging the shit out of that hundred and sixty dollar watch with a metal hammer over the sewar grate in the parking lot of my complex.

It was great, theraputic, a moment of growth! Pictures were taken and the moment was shared!

And then I broke down, freaked out, took a valium and hid in my room. Literally hid, behind my bed where no one could find me pulled up blogger and now here I am just waiting for the drugs to kick in before I have to go to work, pretend that I'm fine and, pretend that I care. When today I would rather curl up in a ball and hide from the world and pretend like I don't exist, pretend like the world doesn't exist.

I guess these past few weeks have just been stressful, tiring, full of unpleasant surprises; I guess that box was just the last straw that sent me over the edge.

I just really wish I didn't need to face the world today.
-meg.

I found this through stumble today and it broke my heart in a nice way. It's just a silly little story but it made my day.


Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"
We ALL need someone who Understands!


and this was just funny. enjoy!

for you and for me

He might be a bit of a creeper but the message in this song is amazing. I wish helping others and bringing peace to the world was as easy as letting this song affect you. Peace.

More Videos

capture the moment

I have always been the kind of person that just sits back and watches things happen. I don't mean I don't take action when I feel like I should; I mean I like to observe and try to understand a hidden meaning. I like to capture a moment of time in the clearest of details to recall at my leisure. In fact what I picture as my "happy" place is really just an image of a flower. It's very simple but it brings me peace.

Sometimes when I'm out on my own I will see something like a scene in nature, or a moment shared between two people and I take a snapshot of it in my mind. I almost feel as if I am stumbling upon some secret of the universe and I want to capture the moment and share it with others.

Now, I'm not going to go around taking snapshots of people in their daily lives because that's, well, creepy. But I do think I am seriously going to get into photography and learn how to capture the scene as I see. I want to learn how to manipulate images to just the right detail or leave them naked as they are so that maybe I can let someone else in on a little secret of the universe.

So if anyone has any advice on a camera or book/instructional that would help me let me know.

love.

Someone else's moment.

Man.. I wish I was this creative. Enjoy!

<3 Megan

If you click here you'll be taken to a site with over fifty pictures that show a moment in time in the lives of a hundred different people over the world. There are no comments by any of the pictures in fact anything on the page is written in some completely different language but the lack of words allowed me to just see, understand and feel the many different emotions associated with any single one of these pictures.

It's a site like this where images of human suffering are so casually displayed that makes me reevaluate things in my life; reevaluate the things I take for granted like food, clean water, health care. Things given to me so freely that it is easy to forget how many people suffer. This is a break down of what the world would look like if the 6 Billion people on the earth were reduced to a mere 100 people. I know when I hear random facts and figures I can't really grasp what such a big number is, like 6 billion. It's a big number yeah, but I've never seen or counted or done 6 billion of anything; but 100, yeah I've done a hundred of a lot of things-held the door for someone, hurt someones feelings, been ungrateful, put a smile on someones face. One hundred isn't such a big number and to put things in that perspective is scary!

It makes me wish people were just nicer. Hell, it makes me wish I was nicer. At least I can do one of those two things.

This secret we keep.

I was messing around with Google about a week ago and I happened to come across a reference to "Would you text your secret to a stranger?" I decided to search for that specifically and it ended up leading me to the MySpace of Frank Warren, the creator of post secret. While I was reading through his MySpace blog I was thinking about my dirty little secret-one that has been eating me up inside for years. (I'm not going to tell you what it is, because then it wouldn't really be a secret huh?) I started thinking about how freeing it would be to just tell a complete stranger.

So I told one, then two, and pretty soon I had texted about ten different people! I was absolutely intoxicated with getting this off my chest! It was great, some people sent back their own secret and others sent back words of encouragement.

But one person sent back, "wow."

Because of my own fear and stress of what people, especially my friends, would think of me if my secret got out that "wow" reaffirmed my belief that I never want to tell anyone other than a stranger my secret.

It's one thing to tell a stranger who doesn't know how big of a lie it is, but it's another to tell your family and friends because I am pretty sure it would not be something that anyone could just say "ok" to and move on. So I suppose it is going to stay my secret. Oh well.

Dragging my feet to slow the circle down

This summer has been rough in a few ways, the children, the money, school and moving out have been taking a toll on my mind. It seems that children just aren't wha they use to be, every week I end up with a handfull of seriously nasty children and I can't help but think that parents really need to take a test before they go ahead and start making babies. Some of these children are just mean- they go out of their way to hurt others, physically and emotionally. They scare other children and just really seem to have some complex about being better than everyone else. And then you get the kids whose parents have them so drugged up on unnecessary adhd medicine that they walk around like zombies all day long. And it's a shame because these mean and messed up kids completely overshadow the nice, genuine kids that are really just a pleasure to have around. These mean kids make me think "birth control." Seriously.

I've been having a lot of car problems and by the end of today will have put over 800 dollars into my car in two weeks! It wouldn't seem so bad if I was still waitressing and bartending, 800 dollars is nothing then. But that is more than an entire two weeks salary at camp. I can't help but regret my decision to return to camp this year. I just can't afford living right now.

And I'm stressed out because right now I should be in Long Island looking for apartments but instead I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for my car to be done. It's just frustrating. Almost as frustrating as the whole school situation that got all fucked up and now I'm in a standstill waiting to see what is happening.

Camp isn't so horrible apart from the money aspect but it's like being on a permanent weekend when all the businesses are closed and you can't get anything done. It's near impossible to figure anything out when you are stuck in the middle of the woods.

But most of all I'm stressed because my heart is breaking for everyone around me. My best friends-who I guess I thought were too strong to let anything knock them down-seem to be breaking, and my heart is breaking with them. I feel like such an ass because all I can do is make a bad joke to get a little smile out of them. I use to be so good at giving advice and helping to find a solution but I feel like I'm tugging on a rope that isn't anchored to anything and I'm just falling. I just wish I could help them the way that they have always helped me, it makes me sad that I can't.

I don't know what else to say..
peace.

Keep it real.
(thankyou)

I'm also over the fact that I obviously care more about our friendship than you do, or that it means so much more to me.
I kept your letter in the pocket in my car door and when times were tough I read it just to remember that I had a friend that loved me and that wanted me in their life. It's ok that things fall apart and people drift away but at one point, that letter was the only thing keeping me afloat. Now it's just something to be recycled and you can't possibly relate to feeling like you're drowning on land.

Time is contagious everybody's getting old

I'm kind of over this feeling sorry for myself bullshit. I walk around looking like someone just killed my dog and the world is ending. Well I'm tired of it. I identify myself as a recovering addict and let stupid decisions of my past ruin my present, and give me a bleak outlook on the future. I look for fault in any realationship I'm in, wait for the other shoe to drop because I am so convinced that I don't deserve happiness. And what did I do that was so bad? What did I do that has tainted me so much that I believe nothing good is allowed to happen in my life? Maybe I lied a little here and there. Maybe I hurt a couple feelings and was a nasty bitch from time to time. Maybe I played around with illegal substances and maybe, I lied.

Today. Right now. I don't think any of that means I'm not allowed to be happy. I don't think it means I'm not allowed to have a second chance. Whenever someone I know messes up, or acts like a bitch or is caught in a lie, I give them a second chance or a third and so on. Why is it that all the rules apply to everyone else but me? I don't think I have been gentle on myself, I don't think I've been fair to myself. And for once, I'm the most important person in my life.

So I'm going to cut the crap. Get over it. And let it be. I'm giving myself a clean slate. As of right now I have nothing to identify myself with. I'm not a recovering addict, I'm a girl that experimented with drugs and got over it. I'm not a bitch, I'm a typical girl who has had a few mood swings. I am no better than anyone else, and no one-no one-else is better than me.

It's time I started giving myself a little credit where credit is due and treat myself with the same respect I treat perfect strangers. It's time I stopped living in the past and watching it so much that the present smacks me in the face.

And I'm done.
peace.

Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old
So you can sit on chimneys
Put some fire up your ass
No need to know what you're doing or looking for
But if anyone should ask
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt
La la la la la la la

try not to screw this up again

I'm really starting to think that I'm not stable. It's five in the morning, Dan has just gone home after not talking to be for the past three hours and what am I doing? I'm drinking a beer. I'm crying my eyes out and my body is shaking from the cold and from sobbing.
I don't think that I am healthy. I really think I need help, so this is my admission take it or leave it. I feel like a piece of shit, I feel broken and beaten. I feel like I just want a little love in my life, because it hurts feeling to god damn lonely.
I don't want to sleep because there is no one in the house and because I feel so broken. I want god back in my life, I don't know who abandoned who but I really want serenity in my life.

Maybe I'm just not supposed to be happy. Maybe I'm not healthy enough to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm just a fucking phony. I think I need to go somewhere no one knows me, start over, and come clean. Because these secrets are ripping me apart and I can't tell anyone because they are so set in stone, so many believe them to be my life. My LIFE. But it's all a lie. And it's too late now.

All that I do, comes back to you
So I'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
All I can do, is try not to screw this up again
And just be friends, I'd rather be dead.

we'll sit and sing a song of what we did wrong

This is going to be kind of a long one and kind of a tough one. So bear with me for a moment. There are a few things on my mind that I just want to get out, so the first half is some old shit and the second is some new shit.

It seems that I cannot escape the reality that I used to be an active user and then an actively recovering addict and now I’m just Megan. Saturday night I had a table of girls and I walk up to the table and recognized someone I used to see at meetings. I said “Hi Rosy!” very excitedly-she didn’t recognize me at first which was understandable. But then she ordered a drink and my heart just sank. I couldn’t say no because one, she’s a big girl and can make her own choices and two, I’m not going to sit around refusing to serve alcohol to people-that’s not my responsibility. Well, as I was dropping off the drink she said that she remembered me. And I guess I kind of wish that she hadn’t. I think it would have made things easier.

And today I sat in history class next to this boy that I used to see at the Denville meeting (my home-group) all the time. And we were just chatting and he said that he was thinking about me the other day because the anniversary meeting was coming up for the group was coming up. I got this knot in my stomach because I was selected as one of two speakers at the last anniversary meeting. And I almost felt homesick and I almost want to go back just to say hi and be in that atmosphere again.

I feel like something is missing when I think about going to meetings. It was such a big part of my life for such a long time that it is still hard, to this day to separate myself from it when people bring up people I once knew and called my family.

I know I could go back if I wanted to, the doors are always open. But at the same time I do not think I need what they have to offer me anymore. I think I miss the 24 hour support group and I miss having people that could identify with any situation I was going through. But I do not miss the bullshit and the trash talk and the whispers behind my back that comes along with the meetings. And I do not do not do not want to see him. Never, ever, again.

And the crazy thing is that as I was driving home from class today with all of these thoughts about this old life of mine running crazy in my head-every single song that came on reminded me of him. It was either one that I heard a lot when we first got together, or one he introduced me to.

Life with him was not healthy. It was a sick and bitter relationship based on one-upping each other. I knew from the beginning that it was bad news; and I did not like me, I did not like me and him and I am pretty sure that no one else liked me and him either. And that is what it came down to. But I was blinded by something I thought was good and right and meant happiness-when it really only brought me pain in every aspect and relationship of my life.

So I know that I cannot go back there because I cannot face him. And there are people that I would love to make amends to but I am too afraid of him and what he might do to confront any of them. And that, my friend, is truly sad.
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Now for entry two
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Remember when 9.11 happened and we sat together watching in horror, or when we first began bombing the middle east and again we sat together watching the explosions through the night vision camera footage streaming in and we sat there satisfied that some action was being taken and we cheered for American justice and revenge. Then we started hunting Osama and ended up with Saddam but it was ok because it was a great evil leader and it boosted moral and it was two points for America.

America sat together as one, hand in hand watching the horrors unfold. But we were unified and we cheered on our boys overseas, we put stickers on our cars, we started organizations like adoptasoldier to make certain that none were left alone over there.
Do you know what the number six means to me? It means the number of times, in a three hour period, that 9.11 was dropped on TV last night.

But despite that sense of community and togetherness and despite how we came together to cheer on our troops and to take pride in our country the number zero represents the number of “support our troop” magnets I’ve seen in the past week. Those magnets popped up like a widespread disease and now they are gone-all of them; because America has moved on and forgotten about our boys.

9.11 is now just a term to grab attention. That date is thrown around by politicians for widespread political clout, because even though it seems like America at large has -forgotten the consequences of that date-no one wants to be that guy that is against something when that horrifying day is brought up.

I guess this is all coming up now because Kyle is being deployed again. So is James and so is my cousin Paul-and it is too much for me to handle. The war I do not agree with but I support the men and women over there doing their job-and that is what it is, a job. I don’t mind if America at large wants to say Bush is an idiot or that the war is unnecessary, because I agree whole-heartedly with that. But when these soldiers are still being sent over support, even seven years later, should still be prominent. I think it is disgusting how easily people forget and how quickly casualties turn into another tally on the score sheet of death and how easily people will pass over this number: 4,052 which represent the number of confirmed US deaths from the Iraq war alone. I don’t understand how anyone can look at that number, and then look the other way and take a magnet off their car. I just don’t understand how people could stop caring.

I have not stopped caring once, and I won’t until they all come home. Every single one of them.

Sometimes I wonder if life is out to get me. If it is all just one big conspiracy to make a joke out of me.
I guess I just hope someone is laughing.
More tomorrow?

Lighten up

So I started my second round of observations today at my very own elementary school. It was a heck of a lot of fun but it did kind of make me want to teach high school. But what I want to write about was something that my teacher said to me. I had her for the third and fifth grade so I felt comfortable with her but today she told me that she remembers me as being a solom, intense child that couldn't seem to lighten up about anything. I kind of laughed it off and said that yeah, and I haven't changed much either.

But I don't know, I thought about that all day. I mean, I know I'm sensitive and I know I keep to myself but to be told that I've always been like this? And it's funny because I ran into an old classmate maybe a month ago now who said the same thing to me! I remember being a tomboy and always thinking I was older than I was, and I remember never really being happy at any point in time, the third grade or now even... But it just doesn't sit well with me that I've always been this intense and unhappy.

I need to lighten up. Apparently I've never been able to, and I really don't think I even know how to. I try to stay out of confrontation and I try to laugh at myself but in my mind I always take it that one step foward and analyze every letter, sentence, and punctuation mark to find out what you are "really" saying to me. Haha, it can't be healthy.

But how does someone lighten up? I mean really. I get it that there is only one chance to live, only one chance to leave your mark. But I'm still beating myself up over shit that happened months or even years ago. And because I'm still kicking myself in the ass over those things, I'm trying very hard not to mess anything up anymore. And because I'm trying so hard not to mess anything up anymore, I'm not taking any risks. And without risks I don't think I'm having alot of fun, and I'm intense, and afraid to have fun and I just can't lighten up.

So this is an s.o.s to any of you readers out there.. the ones that I know and the ones that I don't. Please tell me how I can lighten up. Like the things that you know of me that you think prevent me from lightening up. The things that you think I personally need to do or could do to lighten up. Or the things you do. Because I really need some help from everyone, because I don't know how to.

Thanks guys.

sense of belonging

Those of you that have known me for a long time know what this picture is. It's me being "that camper," and making a sandcastle out of lakeweed. Someone pointed out that there is no lakeweed in this picture, don't worry, it came later. Now I usually joke about this picture and making that castle because I was such a dorky camper. But really I can tell you exactly what I was feeling that day.

This was taken my first year as an older girl, I had done ENL when it was still in maple glen. I was the youngest-older-girl there. I remember that on this day we had gone to the state park and I had decided before we left, that I wasn't going to bring my bathing suit because i didn't want to have fun. I knew I wasn't going to want to participate.

I remember it was insanely hot and I was sitting by myself in the burning sand and I built this castle. Wizzy being the ever caring counselor that she was came over and played with me.

I was so freakin lame.

And so today for whatever reason I was thinking about that picture and how I didn't feel like I belonged in that program, or at camp or anywhere. And you've got to understand I was maybe 12. Those are some heavy thoughts for a 12 year old. And then I started thinking about today. And I started thinking about what I was like now, almost eight years later. And I still don't feel like I belong. And I think that is really sad.

I thought about that on the way to school today. Just driving in my car thinking about whatever-people watching. And realizing how I don't really have any friends and I don't really fit in with any group of people. All I do is work. I escape into it because it's easy to say "oh the reason I don't go to parties is because I work too much." When really-I don't have to work as much as I do. I just choose to.
I don't know.


Now on the other hand... I know who I am, I know how I react and I know to stay away from certain situations and whatnot because I will react badly.
Like A few weeks ago at work I had this rediculas melt down because I was really stressed out from getting table after table. Ok. No big deal. I was "in charge" of the other staff, making sure they did their job. Again, no big deal. But then people who tell me that they are my friends start telling me I'm doing my job wrong-that they don't agree with what I do. And you know what? Probably on any other day I wouldn't have been such a melodramatic fuck but I broke down-Dan took me outside and I lost my shit. And see here's the thing: We all react to things differently. Where someone else might curse, break something or try to bring someone down. I just cry or get sick. It's how I deal with stress.

I know I'm emotional. I know I'm sensitive and i know that, with the exception of a few people, I can give it but i can't take it. And those people know who they are and everone else i kind of just avoid confrontation with. Maybe that's why people think i'm not fun....

But anyway. So that whole thing happened maybe three weeks ago now. And you know what? people, the key people from that night, are still talking about it! it's like.. just get over it!! I'm done with it. I had moved past it. I even tried making amends to the one person I flipped out on. I apologized for being overdramatic.

And I guess it's silly or just proving their point to get emotional over being called emotional. But It just makes me want to shut down.
You know.. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not too hard to tell if I'm having a good or bad day.
And to shut down means that I'm not going to be able to have the same relationships I had with these work people.
But I almost feel like it's the only way to survive. Because you know what.. like one of the people that was talking about it still-turns around and tells me I'm one of her favorite people at work. And that's cool and all-but that's not what I call a good friend.
Good friends don't sell you out. They have your back. No matter what. End of story. If you are my friend and you want to call me out on something. Tell me. Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Don't tell the biggest asshole in the restuarant. That's bull shit.

So I feel like shutting down.
When I cant get keep from getting down
And I grow tired of hangin round
I become invisible, unlivable
Just dysfunctional
Shut down

the end.

Graduating class of 2006

The graduating class of 2006. Finally done with highschool drama, crying in the girls room, running home to our parents to tattle on our class mates. Being a narc. (see that's funny because i've been accused of being a narc like seven times from highschool and still today. and it's funny because I never was. I used dope for five years and I didn't give a shit about anyone else, I didn't even care to be friends with anyone else that used. so yeah-obviously I was the narc. just wanted to get that out there.)
Well i thought that i was done with high school. but apparently no one else notices that. and i'm really getting tired of all the bullshit drama and i'm really thinking that i should reevaluate my "friends" because 1. i don't think i should be walking on eggshells around my friends. 2. im pretty sure friends aren't supposed to treat eachother the way that some of us do. And these are work friends and camp friends. but see the difference between work and camp friends is like work-it's a job, you're there for a few hours to make money and there are no rules so you have to be tough to get through.
but camp friends-these are the ones that i'm kind of disappointed in and i really dont care who that upsets. What i don't understand abotu camp friends is that we became friends because of camp. because we loved being in the woods singing songs being dirty and making a great environment for the girls to have a summer in.
But now it's gotten made into being a power-tripping environment where everyone thinks it's about them and people cant get past change and people that they don't like. and that's gross. it really is. like friday. people, myself included, went out of their way to make her feel unwelcome. and you know what? she did suck. but she had just as much right to be there as I did. i think somewhere along the line we all forgot why we work at camp, why we became friends in the first place. We all started doubting that our boss was right and started thinking that we could do it better than she could.
I'm done with it.
I'm going back to camp this year and I'm doing my job to the best of my ability. If i have to make new friends to do that i will. but I'm sick of this bullshit that's been flying around for the past eight ish months. camp used to be my favorite place and i'm not going to dread going back there because people want to act like five year olds.
So stop bringing me into your drama. As of now I've made up with everyone. I'm on good terms with everyone. and i'm not taking sides anymore i don't care who you are or how far back we go.

On a lighter note, I just got home from visiting Copper and Mac in North Carolina today. And it was really good to see them even if we didn't do much. we tried to get an ID but that fell through and since you two read this i just want you to know that that wasn't my reason for the visit i really just wanted to see two of my favorites.

anyway taco thursday has arrived. then the bar! love.

How to be happy.

I think it's funny that I need to be told to think nice things about myself. Dan actually gave me a homework assignment to write down one thing I like about myself. He told me that I needed to be able to look into the mirror and not hate what I thought I saw. And you know what I heard from that whole conversation? Yeah I heard what he was saying to me, but what I really heard were my own insecurities saying that I'm a stupid child playing grown up games. In my mind I'm just not good enough for anything and I feel like I'm obligated to let other people know that I'm not good enough for them either.

They never believe me. Not ever. And then I let them down and they act suprised. I don't get it.
And then I went and told Dan what I did at the bookstore the other day-yeah I legit spent twenty minutes looking for "the book" that would make me happy. I'm lame I know. But seriously I had this hope that I would be able to find that 200 page book that would fix me. And you know what he told me then? That I was trying to find something to fix me from the outside-in when really I needed to be fixed from the inside-out.

And when he said that I felt so lost. It was just like being hit in the face with lost-ness, if that's even a word. I'm so lost in my life right now.

And I just need to get this out for any of you that remember the Pauline story-long story short she was the new girlfriend of an ex boyfriend. I had called him on his birthday and she flipped the fuck out on me and made death threats and whatnot. Fucking scary shit-went to the cops about it and everything.

Well Ms. Pauline showed up at work today and sat at the bar and had a little chat with, of all people, Dan about how there was someone that worked there that she wanted to beat the shit out of at one point, but that she was over it now. And then she started listing people who she knew that worked there.

Now.. Dan didn't find it important to tell me that there was someone there that knew me and used to have a desire to beat someone up that worked there, until we were off of work. And let me tell you-I have all this anger coming back full force.

Like, when this shit went down I was still in the program. And I HAD to get over it. Like did all this fucking step work bullshit to work through it. I guess I didn't do it right because now I am just angry. I am so angry and just fantasizing about this bitch hitting me so that I could just pound her fucking face in.
Man I am so angry.

I'm so twisted. I'm sick. I need help. I really do.
Because you know what? Now I'm on the verge of tears. Because I'm day dreaming about when I'm 21 and Dan promising to a. mix me my first legal drink and b. be there to kiss me on my 21 (and yes I understand that it is a year and a fucking half away, that just makes me all the more crazy) but I'm thinking about how tonight he told me that he would never ever serve me. And you know what I just see myself at a bar on my 21st birthday looking for a pinky promise to be kept, crying my eyes out because I'm not getting what I want.

And I'm getting upset thinking about it. Thinking about being let down.
It's not like it would be the first time.
It would just be one more time of me 1. not getting what I want and 2. being disappointed.

And I don't know why I let it affect me soo much. Really I mean you think I would learn.
And I know I'm insane and I know I need to get my shit together.
But I don't know how and I need help. I need a lot of help. How am I supposed to be happy. I'm so depressed and I think really it's a defense mechanism because you can't upset me if I'm already upset.

But guess what?
I'm tired of being such a miserable fucking human being with no concept of self worth, no self esteem, no nothing. And I'm tired of that.
I want to be a happy person but I really don't know how. I don't want to depend on anyone else to make me happy. I just want me to be happy on my own terms.
How do I make that happen?

Today I'm...


Disgusted with myself for being to co-dependant and needy.
For seeing stupid chick flicks and getting myself upset.
For thinking no one will ever love me except for the fucking 45 year old man.
Cool huh?
And every thought of him makes me queezy. Every time I find something of his or that belongs to him I actually want to throw up and give myself to a hazmat team to clean. I hate it.
And i don't want to live with regrets but even writing this I has a sneer on my face.
And I can't stand it.
And I'm over him and wondering if I made the right choice.
Because I did.

But it makes me sad that no one will love me the way he did.
And really I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for commitment.
I was just kind of hoping that I could find just one person without baggage.

Just one person that actually wanted me.
Not my 19 year old body.
Not my bubbly personality.
Not my existance to help them get over someone else.

I just want someone to want me.

I guess I'm just in one of those moods again.
<3

Today I am happy.

Actually happy.

Not a drug induced, co-dependant, someone made my day kind of happy.

Just happy and at peace with my life. Because I guess I'm not such a terrible person after all.

And even though I might hate myself again tomorrow, I thought it might be healthy to let someone know that for today I'm ok with myself.

The end.
<3