Last night around 230 a bunch of us from work hung out after closing and had a couple beers and talked about this and that. The topic came up about prom and when you're from Jersey prom means the jersey shor.e. I mentioned that after my own prom I didn't go down the shore because no one had invited me to join them. I told them how I, in fact, haven't been down the shore since elementary school when I went with my family because, again, no one has ever invited me. Since my friends are jersey born and raised this was of course met with gasps of disbelief and my buddy telling my that was it and that I was going down the shore with him this coming summer.

It makes me happy now that I have some good friends at work that actually want to spend time with me. At the same time however, it makes me sad for my childhood; the child that was left out , the child who for a long time only found friend in stories and cartoons. I just wonder how things would be different. Maybe I would be open to more relationships with people today instead of being such an awkward adult.

This is a picture from the last party I was invited to. It's somewhere around the third or forth grade. I found it on facebook today and it made me awfully sad.

I don't get my hopes up anymore. Promises of things to do, days to come, happiness, fulfillment, love-whatever it is it's just a disappointment. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm tired of being so open and loving towards the people in my life because it always comes around to just kick me in the gut when I'm down, right after I've just given a little too much of myself to take back. So no more expectations unless low. No more giving of myself so freely. I'm running out of things to give and I am just so tired.

breath.

I don't take compliments very well. I don't need to be told I'm a good person, friend, girlfriend, daughter etc. I think that deep down I know these things. Like I know that if my friends need me that I'll be there at three in the morning for them. I know that I respect the people in my life to the fullest I am able to. I know that I put everyone before myself.

I think I get so down on myself because I am so willing to do the right thing and be the best type of person I can be; the problem comes in when I just can't be there to do the right thing or I decide that for once I'm going to put myself and my needs before those of someone else. I always feel uncomfortable doing so, like I'm being selfish. And that mentality eats at me and I think that I'm just not doing right by the people in my life. I beat myself down so much that I start thinking I'm a shitty person.

This past month most of what I have done has been for me. In the process I have pushed people away because they have drama and they don't want to hear my solution and I just can't bring myself to listen to them bitching or even venting because they just don't want the help and advice I have to offer.

I've had a handful of low moments in the past weeks-missing my life, missing my ex, missing my friends; I've also had plenty of happy moments where I'm running or doing yoga, writing or reading where I just feel at peace because I'm doing something for myself. I've been putting myself first.

It's a struggle because it goes against my nature to put everyone else second but I think I've finally reached a healthy place.

I've always wanted to be like my Aunt Mare. She is such a strong women that has always been there for our family in times of crisis. When I was younger she was there to listen to my lame teenage woes. It's just how she is. But I am beginning to realize that Aunt Mare puts her needs, responsibilities and herself first. She always makes sure that her life is at the proper place to walk away from before she goes off and helps people.

That's not to say that in times of crisis she won't drop everything she is doing to help out but she seems to have found a balance where she is bettering herself and making her own life work while still enriching the lives of those around her.

I'm finding my balance. And even though situations and feelings like to get in the way I'm starting to be happy and satisfied with my life as it is. We all have setbacks. Plans that don't work out. People that just aren't supposed to be in our lives the way we want them to. I'm learning how to deal with all that and still keep smiling.

And just for today I am happy.

No matter where you go you take yourself with you.

It's a hard concept, no matter where you go you take yourself with you. I feel like I've been running for the past couple years. Running from bad decisions, lost memories, terrible relationship after terrible relationship, my thoughts, my actions-whatever else. I've been running; each time I stopped for a breath a new place I felt energized and ready to start something new. Each time life and my relationships started solid and people thought I was great and people wanted to chill with me and get to know me. But just like after a run, every single time I got tired and worn down. When you're running you don't think. When you're running you just go, left right left right in out in out: pace yourself. When you stop running and the energy wears off for the day everything has time to catch up to you and take it's toll on you because you're too tired to fight back and it yells at you for trying to get away and you can't escape again until you run again.

Every time I've stopped running life has caught up to me. It sees me for who I am regardless of the color I dye my hair, or piercings, or tattoos, or diets, friends, habits, fads....
No matter where you go you take yourself with you. Even I can't escape that.

Beautiful sunset for you all

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I miss this. . It's a look I got often.




The past week has been different than any in the past two years. It's not that I dont feel ok with my decisions it's just that it's strange to me that I check my phone still every twenty minutes and there is never a text waiting for me. I wonder if it's strange for him too. Walking away from the biggest part of my life was heartbreaking. I did what was right for me though and I need to respect myself and my decision if I'm going to grow in the way I want and need to.

I've been escaping lately into my work, or solitude, or drinking, or sleep. Collectively they bring me money, recognition, promotion, thinking time, head aches, peace, nightmares, and above all escape. I'm exhausted, I have nothing left to give to anyone. I am empty and tired of trying to fill up that emptiness with people and things. I'm just tired and done.

Past experience has shown me that distancing myself from a situation brings clarity. Camp three years ago gave me the space I needed to re-evaluate my relationship with Ted and to come to the conclusion that it was a pretty shitty situation that I needed to get out of. Camp this year showed me that I did not want to live in Long Island, that in fact it brought me a heavy cover of depression which I associated not only with the place but with Dan who was at the core of my life there. In the two weeks since I have returned home I have felt greater inner peace I attributed to being away from a place and situation but lately the depression has settled back over my life and I spend most of my day missing the one person that has brought me the greatest happiness and comfort for the past two years that I have ever had.

I was so desperate to be happy that I decided that everything about Long Island had to go. Now I am wondering why I ever wanted to break up with Dan. I think the reason was in the place, my attitude towards everything changed when I was there and I made it impossible to be happy with anything. But for the past two weeks I have fallen asleep waiting for him to come home and crawl into bed with me. Having him be the last person I talk to before I fall asleep is very comforting but only a consolation to the real thing.

I keep wishing for him to move back out here because I believe that we could have a real chance at something permanent in a place that is safe for myself. But I am terrified that I won't be satisfied with anything. I'm afraid that he won't be enough to keep me happy or content with life. I am afriad that I will grow up to be a miserable person who breaks down, who isn't satisfied, who lets depression rip apart my family. I don't want to bring that into his life because he means that much. I'm overwhelmed by how important he is to me. I feel like it must be too soon in my life, that it could never work, but at the same time I miss him every single day and things are just better when he is around. Is that insane? I want a magic eight ball to tell me what to do because I am just weighed down by all of the options.

I am a wretched cunt rag.

I am a wretched cunt rag. the way I treat Dan is not only disrespectful it's mean and wrong. I am so rude to him that all I end up doing is picking fights that I really don't mean to. It's not like I want to fight to get out anger-I can go for a run for that; I just don't know why I'm so mean to him I'm just so damn tired of being sad. But I think not being able to express what's wrong with me when I break down in tears plus picking on him for everything is just killing him. I wouldn't blame him at all if he decided to just give up, say fuck you, and leave.

I want to be happy, honestly happy. I want to not be a piece of shit ex-roommate/ex-girlfriend. I want to be the best friend to him that he is to me. He deserves so much more than I can give to him and I think it fucks up my mind that much more that I get so lost in myself and all I can do is apologize and hear him doubt me over and over.

I don't know how to fix my life and I can't even fix anything with him-I'm just a piece of shit. Super.

I don't know where to start I feel like I'm just spiraling downward, being sucked back into that black hole that I finally escaped back in senior year. It's like all that I have is just not enough. I have a nice apartment that i can afford, a job and I have an education that I'm heading back to tomorrow. I have friends that I can call to chat about anything and a family that loves me. But it's just not enough. It's like when you are on a steep hill in the snow and you just keep sliding down not gaining any ground, not moving in the right direction-and these people and things in my life are like branches I can grab onto to keep from slipping. But the branches always break or get up-rooted and I just fall down again.

My days are consumed with dreams of forgetting everything, hiding myself, and losing myself. Awful awful thoughts just consume me and it literally feels like I am stuck in a black hole that's just closing in getting tighter and smaller and more suffocating every morning I wake up.

It is the worst feeling. I feel so helpless, powerless, defeated. I just hate it. I hate everything and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to sleep and not wake up and just have peace again.

I feel as if I've re-entered my downward spiral that I fought so hard to get out of. There is a piece of me that is ready to do the things I want to do without anyone relying on my to come home in one piece mentally and physically; I am unsure if I can be that whole. I've been comfortable with my life, and have felt whole as a person when I have been Meg+somebody. It was Meg+Ryan+Teddy+Ted+Dan. The security of Dan and his willingness to love and look past my flaws, the enthusiasm he has shown towards building a life together and the never ending patience and understanding he offered whenever I had a problem or messed everything up had put me in a place of feeling more complete then I ever had in my life. There is no good reason not to want to be with him other than not wanting to be with anyone. He has been compassionate and generous in all that he has done and in return all I have been is a wretched cunt rag.

I don't know when it happened but I just fell out of love with him. I hate myself for that because Dan is safe; Dan is home base, a lifetime of love, a fallout shelter in the shit show of a mortar attack. He was the glue that delicately put me back together when I was nothing but shards of glass and ground up powder. I honestly do not know how well off I would be without him in my life.

I feel like I owe him a lifetime of smiles and laughs, sweet messages on his phone, notes that say I will always love you.. I owe him eternal gratitude in the form of always lending an ear, rubbing his feet after a long night at work and a hot cup of soup when he's sick.

The problem is not being able to fall back in love with him because he's perfect and I'm sure having him back in my life, at my side, would be all it took, but I feel and would always feel that he deserves something so much better than I could ever give him. Call me a martyr to his eternal happiness but I can't allow myself back into his life feeling like the piece of shit that I do.

I should be happy with him. I should build a family with him. I just have the inopportune feelings of wanting to find out who Meg+no one is, of making a selfish choice finally for me. I'm terrified that I am pushing aside the greatest love I will ever have for a chance to be alone. It breaks my heart to think that when I eventually do move away it will be away from him and without him.

It's pathetic because at the end of the day there is nothing I would like to do more than crawl up into bed with him and have him kiss away the doubts and pet away the insecurities and whisper promises of it all working out and falling asleep in the safe haven of his arms and waking up holding onto a man that has pulled me out of drowning in an ocean of shit.

I want to stop being such a bitch, because it's my habit to push away push away push away and look for discord because I think that that will somehow help the situation into a more digestible outcome. I hate that I hurt him every fucking time I open my mouth because all he does is give and give and try and try and all I do is act like a shitty human being and shoot him down. It's not that he has done anything wrong, in fact he hasn't changed at all, I'm the one that changed. I'm the one that suddenly isn't satisfied and I'm the one pushing away.

But I wish I wasn't and that I was content with wonderful life with a wonderful man. On the other side I just wish that he would call me a scumbag and a worthless piece of shit, or on the other other side entirely I wish this just felt better. I've got a knot in my stomach that twists every time I open my mouth and talk about leaving and then again every time I talk about staying.

I just don't know what the answer is here, I don't know if I should go left or right. I just want to be happy, Dan makes me happy but I want Megan to make me happy too. I just can't believe that this is the right decision when it feels so dirty, I just don't.

Being a dolt sucks.

7:50 wake up to crying cat
7:52 feed crying cat
7:54 go back to bed
7:54 cat jumps on head
8:30 cat head butts me (aka. wake up again)
8:45 jump in the shower
9:30 let Verizon man in
10:30 search for missing receipt
10:45 still searching
11:00 go dumpster diving and find missing receipt
11:30 say goodbye to Verizon man and hello to cable and Internet (aka $115 bill for the rest of my life)
11:45 say goodbye to boy who looks all smart leaving for work in his shirt and tie
11:55 gather piles of dirty laundry and H.&.M bag to return and throw it all in the car
12:05 head out on errands (buying screws for the t.v. stand that didn't have any, laundry, get gas, return shorts that are too small for my big ass)
3:00 finally get to laundromat
4:30 FINALLY get home from laundromat
4:35 screw t.v. together and feel seriously uncomfortable with the way it sways
4:38 turn on t.v. to see that it says "no video input" (ps how do I fix that?)
4:40 settle down for a little blogging.

When I went to the hardware store today I saw a washer and dryer on clearance and seriously contemplated buy them, I didn't A. because I don't think my landlord would be ok with that and B. because I just don't have that kind of cash anymore. But what I wouldn't give to have my very own washer and dryer!
And at this it occurs to me that being an adult sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks! I work all the time to pay bills to live in the apartment that I'm too busy working to enjoy with the cat that wakes me up at 7:50 in the morning crying only to jump on my head after I feed it. Most of the time spent in this house is occupied by some sort of cleaning; the bathroom, kitchen, bed, bedroom floor, litter box, vacuuming the thousands of bits of Styro.foam the cat tore up while we were trying to assemble the t.v. last night... the list goes on and on and on!

I'm feeling insanely grown up with too many responsibilities and bills! oh the bills just keep adding up!

And yet, that cat has finished shredding the new couch and has cuddled up to me, the laundry is folded (though not quite put away) and I have a few minutes waiting for the rain to stop before I venture outside to clean my car, Dan will be coming home to me in five hours and ten minutes and life is good!

Marbles

I feel like my life is scattered like a bag of marbles that has been unceremoniously dropped onto the kitchen table. Bits of me have scattered very fast flying off that table to land somewhere under the refrigerator or over just to be forgotten, one catching the attention of the cat and being smacked into the next room and down the stairs just to cause discomfort to some one's foot later, some flew-smacking into the wall before losing momentum and stuttering back to the table as if giving up and the rest are still on that table going too fast headed towards the tables edge and I'm not sure if I can stop them from falling yet. I just want everything bag and held tight together again, everything tied securely in the bag and then reinforced because I feel like I'm losing it. I need friends and some stability in my life and I don't have it and I feel like I'm slowly going insane.

Chapter 3

Things have changed a lot in the past few weeks I finally escaped from hell and now I'm living with the boyfriend. And let me tell you! Whew things are different on this side of the street or bed if you will. We work together, we live together and sometimes we spend time together but I feel like as much as we are around each other it's like there is no Megan and Dan time. At work we don't really talk because he's the big bad mean manager and I'm just a lowly server and by the time we get home we're just ready for bed. It's strange living with someone else that isn't family, or camp, or a roommate because things just got so, I don't know, serious? Minus a little argument over how I don't like the way he treats the servers while he's pretending to be a manager, I mean really-don't forget where you came from right-we've been pretty alright. And I think we'll be ok because I'll be gone the whole summer and then we probably (hopefully?) won't be working together when I get back, I think that space will be good.
And at the same time bad because between my school and work and his work when are we ever going to see each other?
I just don't know, this was a huge step and I'm happy because he is the one I want to build my life with.
I'm just terrified he's going to wake up next to me one morning and decide that's not what he wants from me. Not saying at all that I don't think he wants me just maybe not what I want and it kind of makes my stomach turn. I want some reassurance maybe.

Going Home

I'm moving out of this hell hole in about and hour and a half-and I think that's pretty great. This school has kept me so depressed since day one. Here's a little recap on how fucked up this place is:

1. Two underage, drunken (on a dry campus) white girls beat up on this Black guy for sitting on "thier" bench. He takes it.. and takes it.. and finally turns around and smacks one of them. He's kicked out of the dorm and put on probation. The girls punishment? For being drunk and starting fights you get a minor slap on the wrist. Because it was a black man that hit a white girl.
2. My professor tells me that she gave everyone in the class an A on a report that she gave me a C on, even though we had the same quality of work. Because she was trying to "help" them out. Maybe I should point out I'm one of three white kids in the class? And what did going to the Dean of Students get me? Nothing. Not even a response.
3. I'm entrenched in this overly racist society that is making me a bad person. I wasn't racist before I got here, I judge a lot now. I'm not happy about it.

A couple of good things have happened since moving here

1. I made a couple friends at my new work. Where, sure the managers are dicks, but they do their jobs right at least.
2. I experienced living in a dorm, which I knew from the beginning I'd hate (and I do) and had at least one crazy college kid night.
   
3. I found out what's really involved with being a big kid. Lots of bills, that's what.
   

But now I'm going home. I'll finish packing up my car in about an hour, hand over my room key and mailbox key (which I've checked maybe three times all semester.) And I'll head over to work to kill some time, maybe eat, before working the night shift. Then I'll hop in my car and drive to Jersey to stay there until Friday (remember I have nowhere to stay in about an hour) and then I'll come back bright and early Friday morning to move into my apartment with the greatest guy I've ever met. (Though he hates the idea of living with me so so much. I am crazy I guess.) And I'll have a home again.

A home that I never play rap music in. Because it sucks and I've heard enough of it to last me forever and then some. I'm very excited to move into a new home with my boy and my cat and have our little family all in one place. I'm excited to have a stove so I can cook food that has nothing to do with TGI.Frid.ays. I can clean my little apartment as much as I want. There will always be toilet paper and I won't be living with people who are so proud of what they leave in the toilet that they... leave it in the toilet.

I'm just relieved that this hell is finally over and that I never ever need to come back here for anything other than a transcript.

Thank God.

I have so much to write about it feels like my soul is just going to explode if I don't get it out.

But I have no time at all. But when I do it's all going to be about:
Life
Death
Apartments
Changes
Residency
Stress
Family
and how fucked my life is.

love.

Be serenity

I love days like today where I find the inner peace that generally evades me daily. I love the happy thoughts about where my life is, and the excitement to see someone I finally had a little tiny chance to miss. I've really just had a great weekend, I think my parents and I have begun to settle into a more relaxed relationship of grown up mother/father/daughter instead of mother/father/child-who-needs-to-be-taken-care-of-constantly. It's a nice feeling just to have them off my back really.

It's back to reality though now that school has started up again, I need to start seriously looking into finding an apartment, save money for the security, brokers fee (which I really feel the person WITH the apartment should have to pay) and first months rent (which at 1400 for each-split two ways comes to a whopping 2100!) figure out money for next semester, (around 5-6000) figure out Dan's birthday present and if it's going to be big or not ($?) make sure I have money for disney (between 600-1000) and it's just all adding up. I feel really guilty that I just bought an I.pod shu.ffle, I think I'm going to return it (good thing I brought the receipt/packaging back with me) I mean it wasn't too expensive considering but I need to be saving money for other things.

Despite the growing concern for having enough money.. I still feel peaceful and content. It's amazing. I know it's going to leave soon enough and slide back into depression but it's a nice feeling for now. I guess you take what you can get right?

Get it out..

Life has been a roller coaster for the past few weeks. months. years.. whatever. I feel as if everything has built up to some kind of maximum like it has reached to point where it is pushing against this barrier and the barrier is just a whisper away from snapping; I'm a whisper away from snapping.

• I need my brother to come home; his approximate return date is the middle of May. That's like what-six weeks? The anxiety is building as the date gets closer, every day I grow more terrified that something will happen to ... delay his return. I need him here, he is by far my best friend and I miss being able to call him at retarded hours, to tell him the stupid dramas of my life, to hear about his stupid training missions. I miss him and having someone that really understood my mind inside and out on speed dial.

• Talking to the old man (forgive me I don't want to taint this blog with the name anymore than I may have in the past) gave me some closure that I think I really needed but had pushed to the side thinking I was never going to be able to have it. I believe it was good. I believe that it reminded me that he didn't always suck that I did love a guy that had some compassion and that, while he fucked me up, he did care about me and he will until the day he dies. I did mean something.... Pause.

• I feel like I've regressed back into the miserable fuck I used to be; feelings of worthlessness and sadness are back full force, not that they ever really left. I know he'd tell me I'm stupid, but I feel like my own boyfriend just puts up with me because I moved here to be with him, because he feels obligated to make me happy. I feel distant from him, from reality? From my life, I feel like I'm watching it and tapping on the glass trying to get my own attention to tell myself to snap out of it. To fucking wake up and live. And then I think why the hell can't I just wake up and say "fuck it let's be happy," but whenever I do it's just fake. I feel like any progress I made over the past few months in the happiness department has just dissolved like a thin layer blown away by the stress and loneliness of the past few months.

Today I think I suck, and I hate that. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just let shit roll off of me and move on? I need to know the recipe...

The world will laugh a little less.

This morning my dad's best friend Wayne died. Wayne was one of the funniest guys to ever walk this planet-always getting into some kind of mischief. He had a great presence about him in sheer size and personality. He was diagnosed with stage four non small cell lung cancer a few months back, by that point it was just a matter of months. But I didn't expect to hear it today. I am just crushed. Wayne was the guy that, god forbid, anything should happen to my own father would be walking me down the aisle. He's the one that when my parents are gone and my car breaks down, comes out at eight in the morning to diagnose the problem. He's the one always cracking jokes and keeping moral up. I think he just got too tired. If you had the chance to meet him, you've been blessed; if you never got that chance then you missed out on something really great and once in a life time.

God Bless Mister Wayne Miller. The world will be laughing a little less without you in it.

SE#5

So in response to cops LTLYM posts I've decided to do self-esteem guided writing post here when I don't have anything to write about. I have, and have always had, a very low self esteem. In previous posts I've written about not being a happy kid or having people tell me they thought I was miserable. So a few months ago I bought "The self-esteem guided journal: a ten week program" by Matthew McKay. I did four enteries and then kind of forgot about the whole project. Buuuut I hate myself so much I'm going to keep up on it here.

So day five says, "Nonjudgment with parents and Relatives. Today we're asking you to focus your efforts on parents and other relatives. Think about and visualize your parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and other members of your family. Try to hold and image of each person in your mind. As you focus on each family member, be aware of their traits, tendencies and anything significant you know about their history. Now make a real effort to see that person withough judgment, without any thoughts of good or bad. Explore in your journal how this exercise feels and what it's like attempting to shift your fovus from judgment to acceptance."

I'm not too sure how to go about doing this, so little numbers are going to have to do. I think I'll leave the hardest for last but I'm going to keep this relatively short.

1. Kyle- My brother Kyle is my best friend we used to never get along but when he went away to boot camp we got very close. He breaks my heart though because he is that nice guy that always gets the raw end of the deal. I think he is the easiest one to see in a non-judging way because I would do anything for him in a heartbeat. Whenever he is upset or something is going on in his life I have no problem just accepting it for what it is and helping him work through it in the best way I can. Thoughts about him making the "wrong" decision or anything like that don't enter my mind when it comes to Kyle.
2. Ken- My other brother, Ken is a little harder not to judge because he is different from your typical 27 year old. I accept him because he is my brother and we grew up together. It's a little harder not to think of him as a dork or, as I affectionately call him, the missing link when he gets excited about going to a concert showcasing his favorite video game music.
3. Mom- I have never been able to get into my mother's head. And I will never understand what ever compelled her to do some of the things she has done in the past. She is hard to accept because I grew up thinking everyone else's mom was a lot more affectionate than my own. Maybe she just isn't that kind of person. But it's hard to think outside the stereotypes of what "mom" is and accept that that is just not who my mom is.
   
4. Uncle Jimmy- This is tough. My uncle Jimmy died two summers ago. He basically drank himself to death. Out of all of my aunts and uncles I was closer to him and my Aunt Robin because I babysat their daughter, my cousin Maddie from pretty much the day she was born until 2007 when I got a higher paying job. You never expect divorce or alcoholism or death to disrupt a small family so quickly. It broke my heart hearing Maddie ask for daddy. And for a long time I was angry at Jimmy for leaving his daughter like that. But now two years later Maddy is growing up so quickly and involved in so many things that the lose of her father has not restricted her in anyway. And there is my acceptance for Jimmy. My time in the rooms showed me that some people just cannot handle life. Some people just don't want to get better or are afraid to try. Jimmy was one of them. I still think it's unfair that he's gone, but I find a little more acceptance every time I talk about it
5. Dad- Dad is another tough one because even though we lived in the same house my whole life, he just wasn't around. He seemed more interested playing with the boys than interacting with his daughter. I don't think I've ever gotten over that and I think it may have fucked me up more than it should have/needed to/I thought. On top of this my dad suffers from depression and has for as long as I can remember. The sound of his depressed sighs never meant anything good for the sound level in my house. If you know of the events of late last year you know why I think my dad is just pathetic, and now he has cancer and I don't know if I take that back. No, I do not think he could survive this on his own without going insane, but I still don't know how much I think he should have stayed with her after all that. My dad is tough and maybe the hardest to just accept because I am a lot like him and lord knows I can't accept myself.

Accepting people especially family for who they are is tough because I want them to be how I want them to be or how I think they should be or how society thinks they should be. And it's crazy to me to see how differently I turned out compared to all of them and still be able to accept who they are at the end of the day.
Non judgement is a hard thing huh..

Skin.

I'm going home to Jersey on Sunday morning afternoon for my father's surgery. And I'm starting to feel a little anxious. I understand that prostate cancer is very curable and this surgery is probably one of those "whatever" kind of procedures so I don't think it's the surgery that I'm nervous about exactly I think it's more so the drama.

That's probably selfish. Fucked up.

But I just hate drama and I love love my father but I don't want to go home to a pity party. I want to show support and I want to be there to give him a hug before the procedure and I want my mom to have someone to lean on. I don't want anyone to talk about my dad having cancer, or the months of recovery, or the long term effects.

Being there for other people seems a lot easier than being there for myself. I have no problems showing up for someone else. Dealing with another family, mine just frustrates me to no end, so while I'd like to stay there forever and help out with anything, three days sounds long enough to me.

I wonder if that makes me a sucky person?

It's a Wonderful Life

Things have been super crazy hence the lack of updates. It seems like everything is coming at me in quick waves of awful events and honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can hold up my side of the street. There is so much to do that today I'm sitting back and realizing how much I've missed doing the stuff that I really enjoy doing like pleasure reading, listening to music, writing this blog, calling friends and emailing my family. There just hasn't been enough time in the day for all of it. I have been reading a lot of different blogs lately and though I don't have much of a message-if any-to carry, reading them makes me miss writing here.
I have a lot of friends that over the years have been able to rely on me for anything and I don't regret helping them one bit but our problems are getting so much harder and much more personal that as time goes by we're around if we need each other for sure but I think we're more afraid of reaching out and asking for help.
That fear reminds me of my stint in the program and always being afraid of asking for help because I didn't want anyone to know how bad or not bad I was. I was afraid of never measuring up to the "worst" addict in the room that I probably didn't get as much help as I could have. But I always felt like I was stealing from them anyway.

Moving on.

My dad has prostate cancer-a very slow progressing and curable cancer. But still scary. Cancer. Scary word, puts knots in my stomach, gives me panic attacks, makes me want to sleep instead of face the day. The doctors say the scan showed everything was contained and that surgery should fix it and chemo won't be necessary. And isn't that a breath of relief. My dad's best friend has cancer but his prognosis isn't so promising. The lung cancer went undetected for a while so well.. you know. In situations like this I always find myself looking at both sides I look at Wayne and his wife Dawn and I look at my mom and dad and I wonder if Dawn is cursing the injustice, and then if she's cursing herself for wishing the roles were reversed because who would wish that on someone else?
I look at people a lot. I feel for them often. I try to put myself in their shoes, I try to understand what they are thinking and lately that empathy has led me to a lot of emotional anguish. I really feel for people and all that feeling really makes me sad. I need a way to deal with all these emotions. I need a way to allow things to just be and not effect me so much. Maybe a way to not feel so much?

Next.

School. Pretty lame. Lots of reading a few papers here and there but not much to say on top of that in the academic department. Dorming sucks. It's not going to get better and I don't want to hear it, I mean come on I'm being FINED because a couple of children on my floor had a party and got sloppy. Not cool.
I guess an upside is, not that I've ever lacked the ability to speak out, but I'm learning the self reliance needed to live away from home. I actually had a conversation with my RA to express my... concern with this fine. It's not that paying the five dollars would have really set me back it's the principle of the thing. One, I guarantee 97% of the people on this campus are here on financial aid or have mommy and daddy paying for anything. Two, I work close to 40 hours a week to pay back every single penny of my loan. Three, I avoid this place like the plague, I wasn't on campus for six days starting the day before the 'incident' happened. I go to class, go to work, see my boyfriend, come back go to my dorm, do my homework and am generally asleep by midnight on school nights. When would I possibly have had time to make a mess with my hall mates. Because really I'm the social butterfly that made friends with a bunch of partying fools. Yeah that's me. Seriously. Not.

I'm just looking forward to being a big kid and living on my own, and being able to keep creepy people out of my house. I mean for real these kids just walk into my room. Have you heard of knocking? Let's be serious.

College is like a different world and I want the next train home please.


Peace out.

Butterfly

I wonder, quite often, how different my life would have been if I had been more outgoing or had friends in high school, you know-if I had been popular. I wonder if maybe I’d have 700 pictures on facebook from all the times my friends wanted to snap a picture of us; I wonder if I’d be prettier, skinnier, more capable. I’m not deluded I know having crazy outgoing friends or playing a sport or having all those pictures on facebook doesn’t guarantee happiness or good looks. I know that it is just silly to think that the popular life is blessed with shitting gold. But I’ve always felt left out.

I look at my roommate and her friend and they are just so involved with life playing sports and goofing around with their friends and I feel old. I feel out of place on my whole floor, I feel like some one is looking over my shoulder and watching me the whole time. Not like the paranoid someone is coming to get me but I guess I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like some kind of idiot weirdo because I just follow my 18 year old roommate around. She’s cool but definitely just out of high school if you know what I mean. I just feel like I should be able to take care of myself. I really really need to start working so that I can make some friends that are like me.

I understand that view point is crazy and that I one, can’t expect to know where everything or anything is in this brand new state and two that you can never tell just what someone is going through by how they act but some part of me still can’t helping wishing I was a little bit more like them and a little bit less like me. I guess I’m really just a little more than miserable living in this dorm room. I will never live on campus again it depresses me already.

 

ugh.

Change

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

Today is a day of change all around and I am thrilled! I was so excited to see a HUGE American flag hanging from the GWB I would have stopped to take a picture but the bridge is not a place to stop and take pictures. But I stole this picture from Google. This picture doesn’t do this simple act of hanging a flag justice. The sun was shining and driving up to see this flag hanging above imposing and radiant was breathtaking.

I spent the whole morning scanning the AM radio stations for inaugural coverage and found one that I followed religiously for hours. I was furious that the timing of check-in at school today took place between ten and two and I showed up around eleven. I tried to rush getting everything done so I could catch the inauguration but I only made it in time for the beginning of God Bless America, so as I write this I am watching Obama’s speech, getting chills as he talks about peace and prosperity. We may not be ready yet but I believe under Obama we will be able to lead once more. For the world has changed and we must change with it.

On another note I made a big change today as I moved into my dorm room. I have a very nice (freshman) roommate who seems pretty chill, her friend Alexa(?) is pretty chill too. I feel like I’m walking into something a little late, this probably would have been more fun if I was a freshman too but I guess you take what you can get right? It’s difficult to move to such a new area I feel lost! I don’t know where a damn thing is! This campus is pretty big and I walked around like an idiot for about fifteen minutes after moving my car just trying to find my dorm again. It was nuts and I called two different people to talk me through my trip.

I am not looking forward to trying to find my 830 class tomorrow morning, but I do have a three(?!) hour break in between my first and second classes so I’ll probably take that time to figure out where all my classes are and buy some notebooks before coming back to take a nap, something I’m already looking forward to.

The Curse

Honest to God I believe that I am somehow cursed. Every time I really want to do something or need to go somewhere something goes wrong with my car. Since I'm moving on Tuesday why am I not surprised to find that the power steering on my car is shot and something with the air-conditioning cooling system or whatnot is dying too. Pretty cool huh? Heaven forbid I get a fucking break, right when the stress over having a dorm and having classes is resolved Huey breaks. I just need someone to throw me a bone here! I'm not getting the car back until Monday (keep your fingers crossed that everything goes right) and it's not even going to be totally fixed because my father decided to not fix the cooling part. I told him he can pay off my loan when my car blows up.

I'm just so frustrated because I am moving and I don't want my car to break down and get myself stuck in the middle of nowhere. I want to scream and get a fucking break. Fucking hell.

Let your troubles roll by

 

So just an update from yesterday:

My friend Dave came into work today (I used to work and go to meetings with him) and I told him about my star.bucks encounter yesterday and he told me that D. actually used to ask about me all the time when Dave and I worked together. He told me not to worry and that I have to let go of this idea that my old friends don’t want to have anything to do with me because I no longer go to meetings. I found a balance in my life and meetings really messed with my balance and brought a lot of unneeded insanity into my life.

I feel so relieved to know I wasn’t rejected by my family-it was really tearing me up for a little bit there.

 

Here’s a song for you all I hope it speaks to you too.

Hurt..

So most people who read this know what kind of meetings I spent most of my nights in for about two years up until a year ago. You know how important they were to me and how they molded me into the person I am today. When I was there I met a lot of great people that really touched my life. These people showed me what strength was, what it meant to suffer and overcome. These people were my family and I will love them forever.

Today I ran into one of my favorite people. We’ll call him D. D was a constant in my recovery he was always around, always had a smile, would listen to me whenever I needed someone and once told me that if I stayed clean in a few years, when I was looking for a teaching job he’d be happy to help me out. I’ll tell you that that really meant a lot to me-to hear someone having faith in my abilities to be a successful productive member of society.

But so I saw him today and I was so happy! I was so excited that I saw D one of my most favorite people ever! And he said hi and I said hi and I got up to give him a hug, not realizing he was walking away and then I realized he was leaving and he realized I was standing and stopped to look at me and I was already sitting down and it was so awkward! So I said “oh I was just going to get up and give you … but it’s fine I’ll see you around.” He responded with “I would but I’m just running late.” Maybe I imagined it but just the way he said it made me feel like he was just saying it. That kind of hurt and I nearly cried, in the middle of star.bucks with one of my best friends while I was on the phone with my boyfriend and oh I don’t know..

I just felt hurt that someone I looked up to so much would write me off that quickly because I don’t go to meetings anymore=I must be getting high=I’m not worth it. And it just hurt.

I don’t need that place to be a part of my life any longer. I don’t need the insanity that those rooms brought to my life. I have found a balance in my life plus alcohol minus drugs; it’s a balance that I have worked hard for, brings me happiness and I am satisfied with. But I miss the people that became my family, and it hurts when your family rejects you.



(ps...dan's awesome)